Told My Personal Trainer My Personal Problem

9:31 PM (of Friday, April 9th 2021)

Today is Wednesday, April 7th 2021 and it was a very normal, very okay day. I had a terrible day yesterday though, "messing up" probably 3 times that day, just wrecking myself entirely for no good reason.

Well I've written about it a bunch of times in this journal in the past, and often times I don't even write about it. I alluded to it before as "messing up", but that's just a euphemism for doing an inappropriate activity to pleasure myself. I've done that basically daily for the past 13 years or so, at least once a day, if not more. It's become a regular routine that's lately been destroying me. Well it's always been destroying me, but lately it's been sabotaging other activities I want to do, like working out for example.

So I signed up with a personal trainer about two weeks ago, and it's very basic. He just gave me some exercises to do every other day, and daily things I need to complete such as my calorie consumption count, daily steps, and daily weight. If I just hit certain metrics every day, I'd lose a bunch of weight. If I just did the exercises he prescribed me every other day, I'd build a toned body. It's good that I signed up for a personal trainer and joined his fitness group, because it really puts things in focus for me seeing everyone else in the group hit their goals. I want to be a part of that too.

So I messaged him on Messenger, confessing why I haven't been doing the workouts lately and why my progress has been really bad. I confessed that it's likely due to me pleasuring myself, because after doing that, I lose inhibition for doing anything else productive that day. I also feel really hungry, thirsty, and even sleepy afterwards, all at the same time. So I satisfy those urges by drinking a lot, eating a lot, and then just sleeping, not caring about anything else. Since it's such a pleasurable activity, nothing else I do in the day can give me as much pleasure so I lose any motivation to do things.

I mean so far it's not really wrecked me that much, maybe. I still somehow functioned perfectly well in school, society, etc, despite doing it daily at least once if not more than once a day. I say this sabotaged me because I know I could have accomplished more, had I not had this self-harming addiction. It has never gotten old. I don't know why it hasn't gotten old. I never tire of watching the same videos or imagining the same thoughts, of course I can't do them multiple times in a row, but I can go a few weeks without certain videos or imagination because they do get stale, watch some other videos or have other imaginations instead, but then I come back after a few weeks and those prior videos and imaginations are novel again. It's a cycle.

So my personal trainer gave me some good advice regarding it. Rewire my brain to do something else when the impulse arrives, possibly do a dopamine fast, and think about second-order decisions. The thing with personal trainers is they don't do everything for you, you have to do everything. They can only advise and tell you what to do, and if you do what they tell you, you get good results. But, you have to do it. And I didn't do it. So I didn't get good results. Yet.

Anyway I would "mess up" one last time today. Yes, after hearing the advice. Really stupid, yeah. But again, I just have to follow the advice and it'll work out. It's that simple.

Other than that, today I worked. I barely remember what I did though, seriously. Every work day feels the same. Nothing different. So, I don't know. I may have played a game one last time today, but I decided not to later. I need to uninstall those games next time I turn on that computer with the games on it.

Anyway that was my day today.