Hopefully The Last Time

11:02 PM

I woke up at around 4 AM today and I had no plans for today except for work. I think that's why I messed up so badly today. I blew out my dopamine receptors. So yesterday I recorded my new 24 hour vlog video. It was a great day, I was standing up for over 8 hours, and I danced for around 3 hours, and I did a bunch of strength workouts too. I decided not to upload that 24 hour vlog attempt though because it did stop recording on its own at around 10 AM and that ruined my attempt.

So today I woke up at 4 AM. What is anyone to do at that time? I felt like it was too early to get up and do chores. Too early to chat with anyone. Too early do anything, really, especially because I had nothing planned today. If there was some project I was working on, or something I was studying, or maybe even a book I was reading, or anything really, I would have probably done that. Instead, I felt there was nothing for me to do.

So for around 4-5 hours, I basically just did "That". I watched adult videos, and entertained myself, for 4-5 hours, never peaking until a bit before work would start, and I just let it all out. What a relief too. I have no idea if I am exceptional or anything, since I only have myself to compare to, but yeah I was, let's say, "awake" most if not the entirety of those 4-5 hours.

Again this is the main issue and addiction I have in my life. Plagued me since I was 13 probably, doing it once to two times a day on average since I first started with basically no periods of sobriety. I've alluded to this activity in many early entries last year, but I never went as explicit as now. I just called it "messing up". I want to stop, but it's difficult. It's not like other addictions like weed or alcohol or even games. I don't need anything external to touch myself. I don't even need a video or whatever, because I have my own imagination I can use, and I can do it anywhere. I have total privacy in my home, so I can touch myself at anytime and I only have myself to stop me.

I was impaired at work today. It's similar to doing alcohol or weed or playing video games right before work would start. I think these activities impair the user, cause them to lose concentration and focus and interest, and that happened to me too.

After work, I wasn't done. I did "That" again, yes, for like an hour. Apparently the 4-5 hour session in the morning wasn't enough. I had to keep going.

The reason I'm overweight now, I would largely blame on this activity. I can feel three symptoms after peaking; sleepiness, hunger, and thirst. I don't feel all symptoms each time I peak, sometimes I feel none, other times I feel all. However, I speculate that I lose vital nutrients each time I peak, which I refill by just forcing myself to eat extra, drink a bunch of water, and even taking a B12 if I hadn't already taken it that day or yesterday.

When this activity becomes very bad, is when I peak more than once in a day, then I feel like I have to eat much much more, and I force myself to do it even if I'm not feeling hungry. So that's how I would easily get in 4000+ calories in a day, because even if I didn't feel hungry after peaking, I'd force myself to eat more, and if I peaked more than once then I'd eat much much more than usual.

Even as I'm writing this, and I've already done it two times today, I would have no problem doing it a third time. I just woke up from a two hour nap after tiring myself out that last time. I don't want to do it a third time, but it is so easy to do. There are no barriers to prevent me from doing it. The reason I didn't do it yesterday was because I was filming another 24 hour vlog and I had a camera recording me the whole day. If that wasn't there, yesterday would have been much like today. I mean I've been doing it twice a day on average, probably for the past month.

I want to abstain for as long as I can, but something always seems to break the streak after a day or two. Well, nothing breaks the streak except me. I'm the cause of this.

Anyway hopefully this is the last time. I mean the 4-5 hour session was quite exceptional. Though, I'm probably used to lasting two hours just because I've done it so many times for so long. Peaking is under my control entirely.

To make sure it's the last time, I should have a plan for tomorrow. I plan on just not eating anything the whole day, and maybe doing no videos too. I'll read some books or something instead. No videos. No music? Just work and books, and no food. Sounds like a good idea. I don't know what I'll read, but I'll have to find something.

I've heard people read books like The Hobbit in just one day. When I was in middle school and the book Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows just came out, a friend told me his mom read the entire book in one day. Wtf. Maybe I am a slow reader, but I recall that book taking me "Forever" to read. Though, I would say that a middle school kid would consider a few days as being "forever" too. I don't really know how long it took me to read, but it felt like a long time.

Shout out to my friend in my freshman year of high school who summarized the entire The Hobbit book to me during lunchtime, for free, for fun, we were the only two people in the entire table, because I hadn't read the book over the summer break and it was one of our summer reading books. I feel really special now, that he'd taken the time to do that. The entire book, he summarized from beginning to end for me and we were the only two people who sat at our table. Did I ask him to do that for me? I don't know how or why he did it, but it was a very beneficial favor. He also got me into Boy Scouts and helped me get my Eagle Scout which only 1% of boy scouts get, and I was able to get it with his help even though I joined "late" (I joined at 15, the average join age I think is 10). This kid is like one of the coolest most self-less kids ever.

Yeah I'm gonna do a dopamine detox for tomorrow.