Gone

I left the house on the 17th. Brett came around noon and he and Tony helped me move the last of my belongings to Brett's car and then to storage. I managed to get my food processor and Keurig back from Jena, albeit with missing pieces... I gave Tony a long hug goodbye. He said he misses me. I think he was waiting to see if I would kiss him, but I didn't. I'm not sure if I should have or not.

I saw Jena stand up and walk along the porch, following and watching me as we loaded the stuff into the car and we drove off. They were probably pissed because they told me I needed to apologize to their son via letter and told me exactly what to say. Unfortunately, I only do sincere, honest apologies, so I said nothing about it and left the group chat as soon as I left the house to avoid harassment.

After that I had a few choices: go to a hotel and complete my plan, go to the behavioral hospital, or go to the regular hospital to treat my wounds because the same day I had my stitches removed and the right arm was NOT ready... It hurt like hell to have those stitches removed because they had to tear off the thick scab. They swabbed it with iodine and put a regular bandaid on it which didnt cover the whole thing. Brett gave me some clear adhesive covers to keep germs out, but when I decided to go to the medical hospital first, they told me not to use those because the material traps in moisture, but then they refused to rewrap it...

Despite the pain I'm in and high risk of reinfection now that I'm homeless, they didnt want to admit me. They asked where I would go because I said I was homeless and I told them I'd go back to the behavioral hospital. Yeah, that was a dumb move. They took all of my clothes and belongings, putting me in huge paper scrubs. I've talked to them multiple times about how this was a mistake and I'm fine. Just because I have a plan doesn't mean I'm going to self harm in any way possible. I did my research.

I got my phone and charger back for "good behavior" I guess? (but still no Mang because stuffed animals are SUPER DANGEROUS apparently now lemme go shove my phone and cord under the sink. ...dumbasses)

Supposedly they've been trying to get me a room at the behavioral hospital, but they only started calling after 7pm tonight because only one person does their job here. I asked why they weren't contacting the behavioral hospital earlier since I've been here since 4pm yesterday and they couldn't give me a solid answer. I guess "no one wants to work anymore" also applies to hospitals.

Apparently the behavioral hospital is full for the next few days. I do have the option of leaving because the medical hospital because the doctor and behavioral health staff don't take me seriously and don't see me as dangerous and so have cleared me to leave if I choose to, but according to the staff here that might make it harder for me to get in (for some reason) and I know that if I just went there myself they definitely would not let me leave and I'd be stuck in their waiting room for days (it's happened before, last time I was in the waiting room at the particular behavioral hospital that I want to go back to for a day and a half, sleeping on two pushed together chairs).

At some point I finally fell asleep in the isolation room and was woken up around 4am because they wanted to put someone else in that room and told me they didn't consider me to be "high priority." They did not wake me up to give me ANY of my night meds prior to this and they actually FOUGHT over giving them to me after waking me up because it was "too late" ...the sleep meds I can understand, but my other meds, especially pristiq?? I NEED that. It's half life is very short and I very easily go into absolutely horrible withdrawal from missing a single dose. I expressed this to the nurse, who didn't give a shit. Eventually I bitched about it enough that someone else gave me everything anyway.

The room they moved me to is just a spare room. I'm sleeping on a transport gurney which is super uncomfortable. I made a layer of pillows to sleep on which sort of helps. I can't move at all though because the "bed" is barely wider than I am. I put the rails up so I don't roll off in my sleep.

For keeping me here because they're afraid I'm suicidal they sure don't give a fuck. I didn't get breakfast or my morning meds. I think they actually forgot I was here until I went and stood in the hallway so I could ask someone what the fuck is going on. They also ignored my request to cover my open wound which was painfully rubbing against everything and collecting germs (my orthopedic surgeon told me very specifically to use the iodine swabs and bandages they gave me there), so I looked around and found a little gauze and some of that stretchy stuff that sticks to itself and I wrapped it myself. I spent the entire day by myself in this room with the same tension migraine I've had since I got here and no one checked in on me all day.

Eventually the shift changed and I was brought lunch and dinner at almost the same time (both cold) and because of the doxycycline, I ended up just throwing it all up, but they won't change the antibiotic I'm on. They only gave me something for nausea AFTER I threw up my medicine even though it's scheduled before meals, along with the omeprazole they didn't give me.

Even with all of this, the doctor came in and very snarkily told me that I "don't need to be here," telling me I should go to Philly or someplace else. I'm guessing because of the homelessness issues Philly has. They're not very subtle in their prejudice. He was asking me questions like why am I in Lancaster and repeatedly told me I should go to another city.

Either way I've decided to stay here because at least my insurance pays for this...and someone in my position can honestly just refuse to pay medical bills ever. A hotel would be too expensive, especially not knowing when LBHH would have space for me. I did consider sleeping outside somewhere. That's still an option tbh. Grass is softer anyway.

Now that someone pointed out the thing I thought was a medical monitor of some kind is actually a tv on a long moveable arm and I got my phone back I care a lot less though. I just couldn't stand being in complete isolation with my thoughts right now. It was making me feel way worse than when I came here.

Keep going one day at a time... I'll probably be in the regular hospital for a few more days before I get into anywhere. Doesn't make the process of getting into a shelter seem any easier, I bet it's going to be much harder...

As I was writing, around 1am, I had to go stand out in the hall while they swapped the gurney out of my room for an actual hospital bed, which is much better. I don't know why they didn't do that to begin with or why so late. It really seems like only the night shift people do their jobs... They only swapped them because these beds have an alarm and I'm not allowed to get up, but I won't complain.

Well, it's late now and my meds are kicking in so I better sleep while I can before people start coming in and waking me up.