A Bad Day That Wasn't So Bad

9:53 PM

Well throughout the day today I've been considering today the worst day, just from waking up until now. Reflecting back on it all, I don't think it was such a bad day at all. I still hated today, but it honestly wasn't that bad.

Okay so last night I fell asleep at around 12 AM, maybe even later and as I wrote in yesterday's entry, I touched myself again that night. I woke up this morning and I woke up with a large amount of regret having realized what I did the night before. I woke up at around 4 AM today too, so I barely got any sleep whatsoever. I worked on yesterday's entry, and that was the first thing I did today.

After that, I was still feeling horny in the morning, so I touched myself yet again. I'm doing this in the living room by the way, and I'm out in the open, and my parents are in their room. There's nothing hiding me, and last night their door opened a few times as I was doing it, and I scrambled hard to get my pants back on both times. Because as soon as they walked out of their door, I would be completely visible, since I'm in the living room and right in front of the hallway to their door too.

So today was off on a bad start already. The only thing I did that morning was eat a bunch of food while watching South Park in Spanish. I was trying my best to recover everything I had lost from touching myself twice in a short time period, once last night and once again this morning. I also went to sleep again at around 8 AM, or tried to, taking a nap for a bit.

I felt so completely drained and unmotivated today, unlike yesterday and the several days before. It was a completely different night and day difference in feeling. Work was so boring, I didn't feel like working but I obviously had to. So I did what I could, and got a decent amount of work done.

At around 11 AM though, I went out to the bank to have them activate the pin for my business bank visa card. The lady told me to go online and just enter this username she gave me, and it would work. i got home and tried it, and it didn't work. So I went back to the bank and she re-explained i had to make a new account and use that same username, not just try to log in with that username, oh okay. So I tried that, and it worked, so my online bank account for my business was finally set up and also I have a visa bank card now.

The rest of the workday was alright. My dad watched The God of High School on the TV the entire day basically, while I worked.

At around 6 PM, I went out for a walk, but I really wanted to go out to go run. I wore my dad's Nike Zoom AlphaFly Next% which are Nike's flagship shoes that cost $275. The shoes were nice and bouncy, they were the bounciest shoes I have ever worn. Wearing them felt like I had springs in my shoes, and so I wore those outside, mainly walking for around 20 minutes with them. Along the way I would attempt to kick stuff that was high up in the air, mainly branches and leaves of trees, and I was able to kick a few of them.

6:03 AM (of Friday, June 4th 2021)

Today is still Thursday, June 4th, and anyway, I just kept walking outside for 20 minutes. After that I started jogging and it was fun and easy. I kept my heart rate under 140, or tried to, as I ran. I just went up and down this one street, there is basically no where else to run. There's no nature trails or anything where I'm at in the middle of the city, it's all buildings and roads here, so I inhaled exhaust from cars and trucks as they drove by, that I could smell the scent of even as I wore a mask. I think I need to find a better place to jog, one without so many cars.

Going downhill this road was fine, and I kept my heart rate under 140 pretty easily even jogging at a decent pace. Turning around and having to climb back up though, my heart rate went to 160 and I had to slow down to a jogging pace that was just slightly faster than walking to get it back down. Though there was this guy powerwalking in front of me, and he was walking faster than my jogging. So in my opinion, I did a stupid thing by increasing my pace a little, and passed him, making my heart rate go back up to 160. So annoying. I had to slow back down a lot again to slow it back down.

Anyway I didn't jog for that long apparently, just 15 minutes. I wanted to find a better place without so many cars and so much exhaust. I wasn't having that much fun jogging knowing that the air I was breathing in wasn't clean and clear. I can't jog in my neighborhood either because the air quality also isn't great, though probably better here than where I jogged, maybe. Yeah there is no place to jog here that doesn't have a bunch of buildings and roads and cars, there is not much vegetation where I am at.

When I got back home, I finished God of High School with my dad, which he was watching on HBO Max the whole day. I have no idea what happened throughout most of it, I was only there to catch the ending. This show started off with some guys doing a basic martial arts tournament and ended with them and a lot of other people having godlike abilities enough to destroy cities.

At night I just ate a bunch more food and watched Spies in Disguise with my parents as we ate. I need to eat more like my parents, they just rarely eat anything. They eat very small amounts of food, which is great. I ate more at night time than they have the entire day probably. And this is probably why I gained weight and jumped back to 205.6 pounds as of tomorrow morning when I'm writing this. I have told them before that they should give me my serving size so I could eat like them, but no, they're like "Megg you have to control your own eating, do it yourself." It's true though, I know how to do it myself, and I can do it myself.

Tinder has gotten really boring and slow. After my initial day of having signed up, I got around 16 likes that first 24 hours, and then 4 the next day, and then nothing every other day since. I only have one woman who still replies to me now, though I also stopped replying to some of the other ones. This one I'm talking to is interested in a date, but she says she has a respiratory illness and wants people around her to get vaccinated. She told me this after she asked if I had the vaccine yet, and I told her that if I did get Covid-19, my immune system could likely fight it off pretty well. I don't remember being sick for a single day with anything, for the past 5 years. The last time I remember being sick was in 2016 early in the year during a heavy winter snow day, and I took off two days off work from that.

People think that just because you encounter a virus, like the rhinovirus which people blame for the cold, means that you will get a cold. I don't think it works like that, I have been around sick people who have a cold or whatever, a few times these past 5 years and I didn't catch any sickness from them. I have co-morbidities right now too, mainly that I am obese at 205 pounds and that I have high blood pressure, and yet I still rarely get sick. I think those are it though.

Another factor is waist to hip ratio, depending on a person's body shape you can actually see if they're healthy or not. I think it's based on the kinds of fats people eat, whether unhealthy fats from dead animals and processed foods or healthy fats from whole fruits and vegetables, these gets stored differently in the body. But yeah, people who have a low waist to hip ratio, preferably under 0.85 for males and under 0.75 for females, have very low risk of any health issues in the future such as heart disease, cancer, diabetes, etc. And even though I am obese, I have a 0.88 waist to hip ratio as a male, I just measured right now, I have a 38 inch waist and a 43 inch hip, the ratio is 0.88, I am above average in male waist to hip ratio despite being obese.

For obese males such as myself, the average waist to hip ratio is over 0.95. For healthy weighted males, the average is is 0.90 to 0.95. My waist to hip ratio is 0.88, which is even better than most people's who are at a normal weight. That is pretty incredible. I attribute my healthy waist to hip ratio to my diet, I'm not obese from eating dead animals, I'm obese from eating too much plant foods and processed foods too, over 4000 calories of food a day. Of course it's hard to get 4000 calories in if I just ate healthy whole foods, because you would feel so full after just 500 calories in a meal, so a lot of my weight gain is processed foods for me.

Actually, so waist to hip ratio is another indicator of "obesity", and according to this, I am at a healthy weight. If we only used the waist to hip ratio chart for obesity, I am not considered obese even though my BMI is over 30. Anything over 1.00 waist-to-hip ratio is considered obese, if we only used waist to hip ratio, and I am 0.88, which is considered very good and I'm basically at risk for no chronic health illnesses that plague most other people, primarily because of their lifestyle choices. Most people just don't think. I think most of us already know meat significantly increases risk of heart disease, diabetes, cancers, etc, and that we slaughter billions of animals and that we don't even need meat at all, and that meat is not cheap and it's also not good for the environment, yet people still keep paying for it when it's entirely unnecessary. We humans are not just stupid, but destructive.

I'm really stupid too for letting my weight go up this high. Obviously I don't make completely optimal choices either because if I did, I'd be jogging out every morning. I certainly have more than enough energy to do so, and without drinking any coffee at all either. Our society is totally screwed, people think it's normal to feel tired and groggy after a meal, or that being tired and groggy is a normal feeling, so that they drink coffee just to stay awake. I don't drink any coffee and no matter how much I eat, I always feel energized after every meal, the opposite of most people. People's arteries are so normalized to getting clogged and bogged down after every meal that they don't even realize that's supposed to be abnormal. Compassion for animals too is very rare in our society, it's normalized to slaughter and eat them every single day, when there is entirely no reason to do so.

Anyway I just messaged a few friends on Facebook at night, and just chat for a little bit. When my parents went to their room at around 10 PM, as I was writing the beginning part of this entry, I was just in the living room touching myself again. I couldn't help it. I just visited a porn site out of habit, and I got instantly turned on as soon as I saw any of the thumbnail photos. I probably touched myself for two hours, but one good thing is that I felt fatigued. So I would switch to this journal tab every now and then and write a bit, and then switch back, and then write a bit, and that wore me down. It wore me down enough so that when I felt like I would climax, I was like, screw it, I'm just going to sleep, and I shut down my computer and went to sleep instantly.

Oh yeah, I get an instant sleep every night. But I also get terrible hours of sleep, on average I think I get 6 hours or slightly less, and often I would sleep for under 6 hours. Like this entry I'm writing right now, I started it at 6:03 AM, which means I woke up at like 5:40 AM or so, but I went to sleep last night at around 12 AM, so that's under 6 hours of sleep. People tell me that as long as I'm not feeling sleepy or tired in the morning, that's probably all the hours of sleep I need, but I want more hours of sleep. I don't want to just sleep for 6 hours and wake up.

One person I know who showed me his Fitbit, sleeps for 11 hours a night. He also has to take a lot of sleeping medications to go to sleep and he complains of sleep insomnia, but at least he sleeps for a long time. I am envious of that. I don't know how anyone sleeps for that long, my body automatically wakes me up after around 6 hours of sleep and it feels like I can't do anything about it. If I do sleep earlier though, I tend to get more sleep, so I will just try to sleep earlier forever onwards. I don't have any alarm clocks or anything, and I never feel tired or groggy after waking up. I'm just awake, full of energy, let's get out of bed and tackle the day sort of feeling.

Anyway I drafted a message to send to Aloe tonight too. She put up some new photos and videos in her story and she is very physically attractive. She's hot. She hasn't messaged me in a week though and the last voice messages she sent me, she was pissed. I think she's overall been just annoyed with me and not felt any physical attraction to me. That's just how I see it based on her rarely responding to my messages and her not inviting me out to any more events after telling me she would. Because of the few messages I sent her and always wanting to hang out, she said I was needy. Also she said she would only want to have sex with the person she wants to marry too, and if I just wanted that, to find someone else.

I actually don't ever want to get married. Divorce rates are really high and the risks such as divorce and alimony and the depression and sadness that come after, aren't worth it. I mean every marriage starts off with the idea that it would always be forever. The fact that any end, is super depressing. People in my birth country never divorce, mainly because it's illegal to do so. It's illegal to divorce in the Philippines. Once you are married, you are stuck for life. I think I would like that more than whatever we have in the U.S.

For Aloe, I was drafting that I wanted an emotional bond and deep connection with someone, which I really do want. She is just extremely independent though, like she doesn't want anything from anyone and just lives alone taking care of herself. Meanwhile I am the needy one here, I feel lonely and want a close female friend, pretty desperately. Someone like Aloe who has compassion for animals and the planet, is extremely rare in our society, so my attraction for her is leaps and bounds more than any other people. She's awesome, please date me.

Anyway that was my whole day today. Throughout the entire day I was just thinking of how a bad day it was, because I had so much regret from touching myself last night and this morning, but honestly nothing else bad even happened today. I even went out for a jog. I got my commerical banking account set up. I even printed out some checklist template sheets and filled them in with some To Do items that I need to complete. I also got some work done at work today. Overall yeah, not a bad day, so I don't know why I titled it as a bad day, or why I was thinking "today is the worst day" throughout the whole day.