June 8, 2021

Empty Mind

8:03 AM

I woke up at around 5 AM this morning, after falling asleep at around 11 PM last night. I don't get why I always wake up after 6 hours of sleep, but there is seemingly nothing I can do about it. I don't think it matters how early I sleep or how late I sleep, I just pretty much always get 6 hours.

Anyway I got a lot of stuff done this morning. Maybe. I mean thinking back, I guess it wasn't much. I mainly just sent some emails this morning. I sent one email to a support ticket for a website host provider. I tried to complete my application acceptance for this very important thing I applied for and got accepted for. I have to sign the acceptance for it, and I read through the terms and conditions, but I had some questions on filling it out, so I sent an email about that. I also emailed another person, telling them of my progress in moving here. And I emailed my real estate agent, asking them what would happen to my $3250 deposit if the sales contract expired and I still don't have the mortgage loan approved?

I guess that was doing "a lot" to me. I still haven't done any chores yet or my strength workouts either though. I'm planning on going to the bank right now, so I can see if I can get a mortgage approved here faster for the property I want to buy. But I don't think there's a big rush for it anymore. I can choose to buy a different home if I wanted. There are other properties in a similar price range, and some of them are real houses. I might prefer a real house to a condominium actually.

Anyway I am going to the bank right now and seeing if I can get a mortgage loan approved with them much faster than the current banker I am working with.

8:45 AM

So anyway I spoke out loud earlier and my voice sounded so weak. I think it's because I haven't drank any water at all, and only drank fruit juices the past day. No solid foods either. So I wanted to juice first before I left. I washed the dishes, and started juicing. I juiced some oranges and some carrots, and it came up with this vibrant orange drink. I also weighed myself before I washed the dishes, and I weighed 202.4 pounds. I dropped 4.4 pounds in one day just from juicing. I think most of that is just junk and gunk from my intestines that was pushed out through juicing.

Anyway I just drank that juice, and I now weigh 203.6 pounds. So I added 1.2 pounds of weight just from drinking all that juice. Anyway my voice does sound a lot better now. It sounded really weak earlier, probably because I was thirsty, but now it's good.

Anyway I haven't gotten on any social media all day and I've just been getting things done. Aloe's advice about getting off social media really works, though I still want to keep in touch with her and see her again. I'm still waiting for any replies to emails I sent today and yesterday to any of the people I sent emails to.

8:10 PM

Okay it's been about 12 hours later. I've been through some ups and downs throughout the day. I was planning on going to the bank today to deposit a check and to see whether I could get a mortgage approved there faster, I was planning on just walking there, but it rained a lot. So I just stayed at home.

I did a decent amount of work today, getting to the second last page of this long document of things I needed to complete. I think there's about 40 pages of content in there. My boss tells me to get it done by tomorrow, so okay. I might have to work on it tonight to make sure that it's all completed by tomorrow, but I don't mind.

Also I couldn't help but eating some solid foods today. I just got some urges to and started doing that.

So my banker calls me a bit before 7 PM, and tells me that my mortgage loan was rejected because I needed to establish a two year income history with my company before they could consider me for a 30 year mortgage. She tells me that it would be the same story for every bank out there, so that was all. That was a painful rejection. I think I am forced to buy it in cash. It will be the biggest purchase of all time that I ever make, I don't think I will make any bigger cash purchase than this in the rest of my entire life, to be completely honest.

I got my mom's blessing that it was okay to buy it in cash though. So okay, I am buying it cash baby. This condominium I am buying is one of the cheapest on the entire island by the way, it is rank #60 or so, if all the condominium properties were listed by price, it is rank #60 cheapest, or around there, on the entire island. So whatever, I'm just gonna buy it. If every bank will tell me the same thing, that I need a 2 year income history with my company before I can buy a property, then screw it, I'll just buy it now. So I emailed my realtor telling her okay, I will just buy it in cash.

Also I got an email saying that for my recently approved application for something, I need to get the acceptance notarized and dropped off at their office. So I will do that. The problem is that I have to complete this project thing by tomorrow. I don't know if I can make any time for it tomorrow.

8:48 PM

I just emailed them some more questions and that I would have it signed and notarized on Thursday.

That's basically it today. I don't know what else to do today or what else to write about. I did touch myself three times tonight, just because I was excited and stressed. I couldn't help it. I experienced bliss three times tonight. Now I'm bored and sleepy.

I chat with @Miya-Miya a few times today through our journal entries. She gives me good and reasonable advice on things. One of them was on the times I should enjoy myself, which should be just be at night, because it will just tire me out and demotivate me if I do it during the day. The other was on Aloe and how I should basically just let her go, because I've been enamored by her, and just obsessed, so I need to dial that down to zero and just let her go. If she wants to reach out and get in touch and hang out again, I'm okay with that, but I'm not going to obsess over her anymore. If she does not like me for whatever reason, I can't make her.

So now I don't know what to do. I think I'm going to read one of the Spanish books I bought and just try to go to sleep. Tomorrow the only thing I have planned is to complete the work assigned to me.

I think I asked a lot of stupid questions today in the emails I sent, I don't know why I ask so many questions that I likely already know the answer to, but I just wanted to make sure. Some questions did not turn out so stupid after all though, like I asked if I should go to the bank to get my acceptance letter notarized, and they said I should go to a licensed notary, which not all banks have. But I just sent another wave of like 5 different very simple questions like that and I think I'm very annoying.

One surprising thing about me is that I don't have much going on in my head most of the time. I sometimes have thoughts, like a voice in my head, but the majority of the time it's empty, there are no thoughts. Everyone I have spoken to tells me that they can't get their brain to shut up. I am the opposite, my brain is basically quite 99% of the time. There's very rare circumstances when I am thinking about anything, like I remember washing some dishes today and I thought about something, though I don't remember what I thought about. It's just quite rare.

As I'm writing this now, the only thoughts going through my head, are what is being put on the screen as I type. There are no other thoughts. If I stop typing, I only hear sound of things in the background, my own breathing, and basically the emptiness within my own head. Literally. People meditate and try to silence their minds, when my mind is already silent 99% of the time. It is impossible to prove though, who else can access another person's brain? But yeah, when I stop typing, like right now, I'm going to hold down the period button and that's how long I stopped typing for, and after that I will write down every thought that comes to my mind......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................

Okay so I held the period button for a few seconds. You know what thoughts came to my mind? Nothing. I just heard the stuff happening in the background, the crickets chirping and dogs barking. I heard my breath, or felt it. And that was it. No thoughts. Nothing. I think this is how I can fall asleep instantly. I just lie down, and I am sleeping instantly. Because I do not think of anything. Ever. I have such a quiet mind. It is very still, very quiet. I don't think there is much to think about.

Also all my actions are automatic. I don't know how to describe it, but even me writing down these words, it's all spontaneous. I'm not planning ahead of time what to write, I just write. If I stand up and go outside, or if I walk down the hall, or I go to the bathroom, it's all automatic movement. I literally don't think "I need to go to the bathroom", before I use the bathroom, it just happens. It just literally happens. Like just now, I scratched my left ear. Something itched there, and my left hand automatically lifted up, and started scratching it. It was automatic. Every action I have is like that. Even when I touch myself, I don't think, "oh I want to touch myself", it's all automatic. I don't think.

Alright so you couldn't see that, but I stopped typing for around 30 seconds, and I yawned, I breathed a lot, I moved my arms underneath my chin, I looked down on the floor, I closed my eyes, I felt my heart rate, I opened my mouth, I bit my finger as if thinking, I touched my teeth with my fingers I heard my neighbors speaking and the crickets chirping, but I didn't think a single thought. How I even recalled all that, was that I just remembered the sensations and tried to recreate them. All those movements were automatic. I didn't intentionally make myself do ANY of that.

Just now my right foot became exposed underneath the blanket, so my both legs automatically adjusted itself to put my foot back underneath the blanket. My left leg and feet automatically lifted themselves up to raise the blanket over the right foot, so it could be put back inside. I didn't plan or think of anything while it was doing that. It was all automatic.Literally all my movement is automatic. If I open up my email, it wouldn't be because I thought of doing that, I don't know, it just happened. If I yawn, it just happened.

I think due to me having a blank mind. I am really stupid when it comes to formulating sentences in real life and describing things that are currently happening. Like if an event happens, everyone already has their opinion of it and can say it out loud. For me, I literally have no opinions of pretty much anything that happens, so I can't describe it in words that well, and I'm not able to say any opinion of it. Like while watching movies, people will comment "hey why didn't this character do this instead?" where as for me, I can't come up with that on the spot as it's happening, because I'm not thinking of anything while watching the movie.

It's weird, people tell me they are thinking while watching a show or movie or something, that they have thoughts in their head as the program is playing. For me, there are no thoughts. I can laugh and enjoy and experience the movie as well as anyone, or be scared and frightened, or be in suspense and whatever else, but my mind is literally completely blank during movies and shows and other programs. When reading books, the only thing I read are the words, and that's it. I can read quietly too without an audio voice in my head, but I don't retain the information as well.

When music is playing, especially if I know the song, it's basically impossible for me to think any other thoughts. The music drowns out any thoughts I would have. I also have many songs in my memory just saved. I can play and repeat them or whatever, at any time. I have like this portable MP3 player in my brain. I can start a song from the beginning and just have it play through, or I can just play the chorus of songs over and over. I don't have too much control over it though, sometimes I can't play the songs I want, and sometimes I can't start it off in the beginning like I want. Other times though I can play whatever.

Like "The Sweet Escape" by Gwen Stefani, I can play that song over and over in my head and rock out, but I can't necessarily always start from the beginning. "If I can escape, and recreate a place in my own world, own wooorld where I could be your favorite girl, forever, perfectly together, now tell me boy now wouldn't that be sweet? sweeet, I know I've been a real bad girl, bad girlll, I didn't mean it for you to get hurt forever, we can make it better, now tell me boy now wouldn't that be sweet? Wooohooo Yeeehooo. Woohooo. Yeehoooo. "

I love that song so much. It's so good. Okay here's another random song, "the bass, the rock, the mic, the treble. I like my coffee black just like my metal with the bass, the rock, the mic, the treble, I like my coffee black just like my metal and I can't wait for you to knock me up in a minute minute, in a fucking minute, I can't wait for you to knock me up in a minute minute, in a second. I can't wait for you to shut me up and hit me like badass"

And another song... "Piranha piranha, puh puh piranha, piranha, puh puh piranha. Teeth, ripped, razor sharp, high bite power, tear you apart. Teeth, ripped, razor sharp, high bite power, tear you apart. Piranha puh puh piranha."

Another song "You, get, a head, just day by day now before it's too late, find big happiness. Let it go. Echo. We can help. Uh huh. Please don't care, I know I don't. I don't try to..." or something.

Another song "you and I escaping from earth, all these years and all that it's worth, apart from each other joined by a thought, can you believe it. Still sitting pretty with a pistol in hand, living to live you would you be my man. If I begged, if I plead, would you please please please satisfy me. Anything goes in this cosmic dance, anything goes so we'll make it. Can you hear my heart beat to your lies, listen close, sweet love of mine."

Another song "I've done everything that you say, I followed your rules without question. All along I thought it would help me see things clearly. But instead of helping me to see, I look around and it's like I'm blinded. I'm spinning out of control out of control, I'm spinning out of control out of control. Where should I go? What should I do? I don't understand what you want from me. 'Cause I don't know, if I can trust you, I've done everything you've said to me. And I may never know, the answer to this savage mystery. I'm spinning out of control, out of control, I'm getting out of control out of control, I'm spinning out of control out of control"

I can't actually control when these songs play that well. I thought I could, but I can't. They just play randomly it seems. Okay let me try to load up a song in my mind, which song? I'm gonna name a song and then try to have it play in my head, and then I'll type down the lyrics as they come.

Okay let's try Last Resort by Papa Roach. "Cut my life into pieces, this is my last resort. Suffocation, no breathing, don't give a fuck if I cut my arm bleeding. This is my last resort. Cut my life into pieces, I've reached my last resort suffocation no breathing. Something something something chances are that I might, mutilation out of sight, and I've contemplated suicide. I'm losing my sight, losing my mind, wish somebody would tell me I"m fine. Losing my sight, losing my mind, wish somebody would tell me I'm fine. Nothing's alright, nothing is fine. I'm running and I'm cryiinng. I'm cryiiiing. I'm cryiiing. I'm cryiiing. I'm crying. I. Can't. Go. On. Living. This. Way. Can't go on. Living this way. Nothing's all.. RIGHT!"

Let's try Rob Zombie's Can't Stop Me "You think you know me.... Here in my Durango number 95, take me to your home getting booze and I'm ultra light yeah heaven, that's a horror show, knock it nice and smooth step back and watch it blow yeah. Never gonna stop me, never gonna stop. Never gonna stop me, never gonna stop."

Rednex the Way I mate "The way I mate, way I mate, way I way I way I mate. I call a gally gally in a wehoo I call a gally gally in a wehoo. The way I mate, the way I mate, the way the way the way I mate. The way I mate. The way I mate. Happy happy. I call it happy happy. Eep eep eep. Eep eep eep girl. Come on let's have a good time it's a day to get wild. Do you feel like going down, mating season's in heat come on get to your feet. To get laid we eep eep eep time to go go way oh way oh."

Another random song uhh... Own Little World by Celldweller. "Own little world. Your sight. Your sound. Your struggle, for safe ground. It's safe to say they'll try to take from me, I'm just another one for them to bring down. I'm in denial of the daily grind, dream up of a world for me and my kind. It's safe to stay in the alternate reality, so stick your standards where the sun doesn't shine. They're for themselves it doesn't matter what they say, promise the world then take the universe away. They'll bring you down, make the division fade away. It's time to go! Get out of my space. Welcome to my world where the air I breathe is mine, nothing can overwhelm me nothing can blown my mind, anyone can do anything I'd ever want to try, time doesn't exist here I will never die."

10:52 PM

To type up the lyrics to these songs, I often have to wait for the instrumental beginning to finish, before the lyrics starts.

Here's an example, Mr. Man by Exilia, they have a long guitar chord opening before any lyrics appear. So I have to let it play in my mind first. "I've run and lost everything. I cried and screamed to the heavens. I've seen the blackest of nights. I've kicked the wall to the ground. Nothing's ever been easy, nothing's even been so real for me. Nothing's ever been easy, nothing's ever been so real for mee. Every time I had to cry, I had to believe even stronger. Even had to watch you walk away. Every time I had to fall, I had to get up on my own. That's the only way to be myself. For every promise you broke, Mr. Man you should know, no tears, no fears, still here. For every day that you stole, Mr. Man you should know, for every promise you broke, yes I think you should know, no tears, no fears. Still here."

Anyway, yes. I've stayed up until 11 PM just writing song lyrics and playing songs in my head. I'm really sleepy now.

Anyway yeah, I have a blank mind by default. I literally think no thoughts the majority of the day. Other people have an endless dialog in their head all the time, I can't even imagine that. I don't know what that is like. Like it's weird, if I just stare down a hallway, I am just staring down a hallway, the only thing I notice is what I see, and I don't make any comments on anything I see. Nothing. I am thinking no thoughts. When I am walking down the store or whatever, I have no thoughts. If I just stare at the ceiling, I am just staring at the ceiling with no thoughts. If I stare at a wall, I am just staring at a wall. I am not thinking about anything.

What is there to even think about, to be honest? What would I think about, while staring at a wall? What would I think about, while staring down a hallway? I only bring those examples up, because I looked away from the computer, and I saw a hallway here, and a wall there. I stared at them, but thought nothing. Anyway I am so sleepy. Good night.

Written by JustMegawatt

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