June 22, 2021

My mom is visiting

And I hate it. I realized I am so appalled by her personality I find myself cringing in disgust constantly at who she is and what she says and being drained. So I want to cut her out maybe even block her after she leaves. She is a narcissist and I want to free myself.

I woke up at 2 pm today. I feel like I am sleeping later while she is here as well because she likes to close the curtain. The sun helps wake me up in the morning. I can't wait until she leaves, I'm just waiting and waiting for peace.

I woke up with period cramps. My period flow was a little heavier, thank god it gives me some hope that this is actually a period and not "implantation bleeding". It was a super weird period though I haven't had anything like it before. My mood in general has been rather stable, calm, clear. I guess things are just getting better for me and I am more stable because of it. Truly amazing I feel like everything that has happened has kind of come to a crescendo and the lessons are settling and I feel wiser, more confident, and secure. I have to wonder again is this a manic episode? But I feel too calm.

The cramps sucked. I took two advil. I felt so tired and like I couldn't move. My mom offered to drive me to get a latte and food so I went. When I came back I mostly stayed on my computer chatting to people and watched fruits basket on the TV and cried a bunch because it was really emotionally heartwrenching and heartwarming at the same time. It was the episode where Akito and Tohru became friends. And also the episode where Yuki and Kyo tell each other that they secretly admire each other. It was all too cute.

I did a load of laundry and put it away. I felt so organized. I put all my clothes on the floor away too. And I enjoyed doing it it wasn't a struggle. I feel like I'm changing, feeling better. My depression feels pretty much gone. I cleaned the kitchen as well and took out the garbage. I did all of my daily habits on habitica. I read a chapter of the Artists Way. Wants me to do stream of consciousness in the morning. That's something that I want to do anyways so I will start that tomorrow. Seems to be a creative tool many artists and writers use.

I chatted with Jared he told me more about how much pain he is in because of loving me and me not loving him in return. We shared music with each other.

I chatted with Nick and it was pretty normal, talked about our days. He made me laugh really hard because he told me about his slavic mom mopping the walls and slavic people in general mopping their rugs.

While Im in here Im going to track my mood: agitated, calm, confident, inspired, in pain

activities: family, computer, tv, love, chores, reading, music

Annoyed/ agitated by my mom, feeling calm, wise and confident in general on a deeper level, inspired by aurora, fruits basket and various quotes, and in pain from my period.

Written by PeachyPink

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