July 1, 2021

Sang until Hoarse, Talked to New Person

12:58 AM (of Friday, July 2nd 2021)

Today is Thursday, July 1st 2021 and it was a mostly normal day today. So another one of my laptop clicks stopped functioning today, it's the left click of the bottom trackpad mouse. My laptop has two left click buttons, two middle click buttons, and two right click buttons. I broke the trackpad middle click a month or two ago by accidentally spilling some watermelon juice onto it, on the first time I ever juiced watermelon. And today the left click button which is right next to that middle click button, also broke.

So other than that, it was basically a normal day. Except I used my standing desk today for working, and I was also outside and more active. Also I took off my smartwatches today, I normally wear two of them, one on each wrist.

I went outside at like 11 AM, because I wanted to walk outside. I went out to this nearby neighborhood and walked out there shirtless. At some point even though the sun was fully out, it started raining. So I jogged back home because I was getting wet even though it was not very cloudy outside. There were clouds above me, but not so many clouds that it was blocking out the sun at all. I don't know how that works. Like I said the weather here changes instantly, if it is sunny, expect it to rain after a bit, and if it is raining, expect it to be blazing hot and sunny soon.

I also added @Johanam to my Facebook friend's list because he posted a comment in one of my journal entries and said I could chat with him there if I wanted. He is actually teaching me some Spanish and corrected me on some things. That's cool.

After our chat, I resumed working, and I just worked until around 6 PM. I wanted to leave at like 5 PM and go outside and sing again but my boss asked me to do some more things so I did them.

At around 6 PM I went out and I just parked much closer to where I sang yesterday in the rain. I parked at this shopping center yesterday, and that was like 30-40 minutes walking distance away from where I ended up singing, so I parked much closer today. I just walked back and forth on this one area in the sidewalk, up and down this hill, and across this bridge over the highway. There were hundreds of cars passing by every minute, so many people live here and I would just stare out at all the cars passing by underneath, while I sang.

I would basically sing as loud as could, because no one could hear me. The path I walk is one where there aren't any buildings within hearing distance, and all the cars that drive by can't hear me that well since they are driving by at a fast speed. Today I walked and jogged while singing, for around two hours.

At like 20 minutes in, this random cop car just showed up and parked close to where I would normally turn around. It would be so weird though, that I would get close to the cop car, and just turn around, I think they would have stopped me and started asking me questions, like "why did you turn around after you saw us, huh?" so I walked passed the cop car my first time before turning around, and then after they saw me again next time, they'd realize I was walking back and forth.

Anyway at some point, after an hour and thirty minutes of walking and singing, I started jogging and singing. I read some article online that said something like "a brisk pace is when you can walk and talk but can't sing", so I was like, okay, let me try that. But there wasn't any walking pace where I could NOT sing, so I started jogging, and I could still sing while jogging no problem. So that article lied, there is no pace walking or jogging where you cannot sing anymore. I just did it, I jogged for like 30 minutes and sang the whole time, screaming basically.

So I stopped after my voice became hoarse. I literally could not even speak anymore. If I did try speaking it would sound so weak and very breathy and high pitched. It sounded like such a weak voice, I could barely hear myself. I said some words out loud and I could barely hear myself. Anyway that's when I went back home. After drinking some water and waiting like an hour, my voice came back to normal. It is fully back to normal now as I type this several hours later.

I sent Aloe a message today about still being friends and still being able to see each other. She read the message but hasn't replied yet. I just said like, can we still hang out and do things together, not romantically but as friends? I don't know what she'll say. I said I was going to message her in 2 weeks, but I couldn't help myself and did it today.

Also this other woman named, I'm gonna call her Sands. She messaged me a few seconds after I sent Aloe the message. What a freaking coincidence. She's cool, and way out of my league in my opinion. Sands is this wealthy, very popular, very pretty, very way out of my league woman from California. I don't know how many friends she has, but she has over 1300 followers and every single post she makes gets over 100 likes and over 50 comments. Her profile picture has nearly 500 likes and and 150 comments. I don't think I stand ANY chance of dating this woman at all, NONE.

Still, we chatted for a bit. I don't know why she's even talking to me when she has so many other more attractive prospects. I sent her a message back in May 18th and she didn't reply to me until June 25th which was a week ago. So we've been sending each other some messages since then, just some few messages every day. She replies back with like 1-2 messages a day to me or something, but they're a bit longer than normal. I told her today that yeah, if our chatting here works out, then I would have no problem paying for her tickets and accommodations to fly to where I am, so that we can go on dates in real life and that I was looking for a lifetime partner. And she agreed but said her mom was there and she wouldn't have much time to chat until later.

So, that's cool. Umm.... She accepted. If our chats worked out well, she would fly here to where I am, I would pay for her flight and accommodations, and we'd go on real life dates. This is by far the most popular person that has gotten interested in me. So Aloe has over 2000 friends and she gets over 100 likes on her profile pictures and over 10 comments or whatever, but that doesn't compare to Sands who gets nearly 500 likes on her photo and 150 comments. So many comments from so many guys and girls. Every random status update that Sands does, gets over 100 likes and 50 comments minimum. She is so popular and way out of my league, but wow thank you Sands for talking to me for this long. Amazing.

I don't think this is going to work out at all though. So Sarah who I wrote about in previous entries, was that other vegan friend from high school I was interested in, but it turns out she was already in a relationship. She has 2500 friends, and we once went out on a "date" back in high school. She is popular too, just like Aloe, but nowhere near as crazy popular as Sands. I don't know if I can date anybody so out of my league like that. It just feels like I don't stand any chance because of how pretty and popular she is, but she is talking to me still for some reason and she is actually interested in flying out here and dating me. WOW... That is... incredible....?

The only photos and stuff I have are from like 4 years ago when I weighed far less than I do now. Like 20-30 pounds less than I weigh right now. So I looked way more attractive in those photos. So I feel like I'm catfishing her, because I don't look like how I did back then, now. I'm gonna have to lose weight again to look that attractive again. I weighed 202.2 pounds this morning though, which was great, that's nearly a record for this year, my lowest so far this year is 201.8 pounds, so I am very close to beating it.

Anyway Sands says it's going to be a few weeks before she can really chat with me. I think she wants to voice chat and even video chat before flying here and she's giving me a few weeks before we do that. I'm going to exercise and diet well every day until then. It would be great if she did fly over here and we dated, and she's been vegan for a few years or something too, the main reason why I'm talking to her. My dating pool is really small, I'll only consider dating other vegans or anyone open minded enough to becoming one, which is not many people for now, but it's growing. So that's why I think anyone already vegan today and especially years ago just has so much more value because I feel like they have so much more insight and so much more emotional and practical intelligence than the majority of people.

And I think they look far more attractive too, physically. Like Aloe has been vegan since 2008, and she is so hot for her age at 29. I said the woman at La Frutera was hot yesterday, but forgot to mention that Aloe is way hotter. Way way hotter. I just can't help but recall that her breath smelled so nice and felt so warm being blown in my face all night that one night. I actually don't know how Aloe isn't more popular or why she isn't famous on Instagram or TikTok. She's very hot. She knows how to put on make-up really well and can make herself look like Belle Delphine, and she has very nice curves. I was actually extremely happy when we cuddled because... Well I wrote a bunch of stuff but deleted it because I think she would get angry if she read it.

Physically, me, no. I'm not attractive physically. I know it for a fact. I'm really unhappy with how I look. Very chunky looking. I'm not happy with how I look because I know I can look better. Way better. Anyway I also know what Aloe looks like without makeup, and oh my gosh she still looks so hot. I've already written about it in my entry, that she didn't wear any makeup on like the second date we were on where we hung out for 12 hours, and I said she still looked so attractive. Omg I miss her hanging out here so much and me just staring at her and admiring her body. Omg I'm going to miss that so much.

Physically, I'm sure Sands is younger than Aloe and Sands is really pretty and all in all her photos, but I think Aloe is more attractive because of her curves. Aloe is muscular, thin, and she has curves... I don't know if I want to describe her much more than that. She has a big chest area and also a big hip area and a muscular looking core, how about that? And also she's pretty tall, her license says she's 5'8" and yeah when I walk with her around the stores and outside, she's even taller than a lot of the guys here. I felt so happy walking around with her and us walking around together like a couple to a bunch of places, because I felt like she was a model and she was hanging around with me.

I'm going to try my best with Sands. I'm going to be more patient, less emotional. So the reason I upset Aloe so much is probably because of how emotional I was with her. She says I would go from 0 to 100 back to 0 then to 200 then to -50, emotionally speaking. As in, we would have like the best time together in real life meaning 100, and then the next day I would text her some really doubts like "I have a lot of doubts and I'm not sure if this is working out", and she would cry or be really upset or whatever, and then we would hang out again in real life have the best time so 200, and then I would be like "omg I already did this and this and you still haven't done this omg" which is -50. So that was the emotional roller coaster ride I put her through, and she could not handle it. Mainly because Aloe has terrible communication skills in texting, she would text like "Ok" after some long message I put, or I would text some really long emotional thing and she would be like "Speak Spanish", so I would lose my own patience and think something was wrong. That drove me insane.

So with Sands, I'm going to be patient as possible. Unlike Aloe, Sands has superb communication skills. She speaks way too good actually. I can't keep up. She puts in some humor every now and then, and I am supposed to get her joke. Like I asked her a question that she didn't want to answer, and she replied with "No, not today, Satan." that's verbatim what she said. She called me Satan, uh, what? Later she says she forgot to put an emoji in that message and that was supposed to be a joke. But yeah that message left me feeling confused. I didn't reply to it, I was like, okay she doesn't like me. I thought she didn't want to chat anymore. But a few hours later she replied again and it turns out she didn't lose interest.

So Sands says wait a couple of weeks before we can start chatting for real, and okay. I'll be patient and wait those couple of weeks, and work out and eat healthy and get fit in that time frame. Hopefully I can look similar to how I did a few years ago. I have the motivation to do it now. I feel like all these weird coincidences and stuff are not accidental. They are meant to happen and they push me towards a certain destination in the end.

I love singing now. I love walking outside and jogging and singing as loud as I can. It's so much fun. I'm gonna try doing it again tomorrow, unless Aloe wants to hang out again. Then I'll hang out with her. Because I messaged her again tonight asking if we could still hang out as friends. She has not replied. She read the message, but has not replied. I'm thinking she is going to reply to it tomorrow? I don't know. But I'll be patient with her reply now. I'll be patient with Aloe now too. Because she told me in person that she hated texting which is why her communication on it was so bad, but I couldn't learn that, like she was just so bad at texting I thought she was angry or hated me or whatever.

Anyway I am no longer pursuing a relationship with Aloe. Just friends now. I'm going to pursue a relationship with Sands now. I highly doubt it will be successful just because she's so popular and I feel like she's way out of my league, but I'll try. I mean, Sands keeps talking to me. She keeps talking to me. There was this one time I unsent a message, thinking okay, we're done talking now I guess. And then Sands replies a day later with "What did you unsend?", like she's interested in continuing to talk to me. And then I told her about paying for her to come here and pay for her accommodations (hotel, food, etc) if our chats went well, and she basically said okay but give her a few weeks. I guess we'll do video or voice chat in the future.

I don't know if I can handle talking to her though. She just seems so out of reach. She's going to expect perfection from her partner, someone that showers every day and grooms themselves and dresses nicely. This is not me. She wears the fanciest clothing and has a really neat and clean appearance all the time. That's not me. I only shower for special occasions like when I'm meeting up with Aloe or my parents tell me to take a shower, but other than that, I don't take a shower most days.

Dang I'm filthy. My dad this morning texted me "Did you take a shower today?" and I said yeah. Because I did take a shower today. Because Aloe told me to take a shower every day, so I started doing it since.

I'm really sleepy now though. I'm going to sleep.

@Miya-Miya Thanks for your sensible advice again. You are right that I don't need a relationship right now, I don't need to rush it. And that of course, women do not always end things quickly. I did not mean to make that general statement. I like to believe that women are more faithful than men. The one with Sands sounds like a good one though, right? I feel like she's so far out of my league it's never going to happen, but she keeps talking to me.

Written by JustMegawatt

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Posted On Jul 03, 2021

Apparently I missed a lot when I was gone lol

anyway basically I came here to say everything Miya-Miya already said...Sands sounds a little sus. Offering to pay like that is like you're looking to get catfished so be careful please. Beauty is only skin deep and popularity isn't really important in the grand scheme of things. But I will say I've never met a popular person who doesn't shower on the reg. Freaking shower, dude, jeez!!

"Not today, satan" is a pretty common saying in internet culture, actually. It's like a meme I guess. Not all people seem to realize that some memes are relatively endemic to whatever culture spawned it, in this case...RuPaul's Drag Race. So....the LGBT+ community goddammit of course that's why I know it lmao Not A Fan of RuPaul tho tbh but it is what it is, I got curious and looked up where the saying originated because I personally know it from tumblr, twitter, etc.

The way you talk about women- constantly ranking them on popularity, attractiveness, and recalling the way you stare at her body...gonna be honest I'm with Miya on this one too, that's gross dude.

Posted On Jul 03, 2021

Also. Bruhhh. You sent old pics and you're going to have to video chat sooner or later. If you own up and say they were old and send a new one like Miya said that would probably be a good idea. Because otherwise she might think you are catfishing, offering to pay for everything when you don't really look like that... I mean. That -is- catfishing...

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