July 4, 2021

Who knew it would be this difficult..

When I first moved downstairs, I had so many plans about everything I would do without worrying about other people. It is now July, and although those plans started well and with the best intentions, they have all fallen away. I own the choices I make on a day-to-day basis- to a point. Some of it had to do with scorching weather, but most of it needed time to grieve and process. At what point does it clearly become about the lack of desire? Is it still grief, or is it truly me not having the desire to do things.

I feel like I gave up on everything in June- due to telling myself I didn't care. It was a selfish approach and a negative choice on my part. It is okay for me to feel sad and have my sad days. It is not okay for me to talk to myself negatively and accept that and justify it. I am doing my mental health no favours, nor does it help my dog, depending on me for his physical and mental health in walks and play time.

I know this is not what my grandma would want for me, but the emotional side makes it hard. Everyone else around me seems completely adjusted on the outside, and here I am struggling to stay together on the inside. It's like a mask. I must seem fine on the outside too.

I'm not sure which is worse, the heavy slam of emotions when someone first passes away or what lingers for months after? It has been almost six months since my grandma passed, my throat still tightens when I try and talk about her and my eyes want to fill with tears. I knew that it would be difficult, just not THIS difficult.

Written by EmeraldPhoenix

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Comments
iyazo
Posted On Jul 06, 2021

"It is okay for me to feel sad and have my sad days. It is not okay for me to talk to myself negatively and accept that and justify it." It's great that you realize this difference and have been allowing yourself time to grieve. Yes, at some point you have to pick yourself up and carry on and it's good that you're prodding yourself to see if it's time, but it doesn't sound like you're ready yet. Even if it seems like everyone else is moving on, you need to do what works for you and not think of it like you should feel fine by now too or something... that's not going to help you feel any better if you force yourself out. Grieving is a long process, unfortunately, but if you continue to work through it with things like journalling and talk therapy you will get through this and eventually the pain won't be as strong. The pain of losing a loved one will never fully go away, but as long as you try to focus on positive memories, you'll find that you can always keep her close 💜

EmeraldPhoenix
Posted On Jul 07, 2021

@iyazo Thank you for your feedback. I am starting (again) slowly. I have now given myself a self-care project. I have it set up here and on Habitica.

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