Frustration

10:09 PM

Well the past two days, Monday and Sunday, have been horrific days filled with nothingness, so I've kept those entries private. I literally did nothing those past two days except sit around at home, use my computer, watch videos, touch myself, eat, watch some more videos, etc. Wasted days.

Saturday was a good day though. I wrote in a lot more detail but kept that entry private. In summary, Aloe agreed we could still be friends and hang out. We met up and I took her out to a Chinese buffet because that's where she wanted to eat, I ate nothing because I was full from whatever I ate that morning, so I just paid for her vegan meal and we chatted at the restaurant. We would be pretty intimate with each other though, staring into each other's eyes, making jokes, having a good time.

We also drove for a bit, on the drive to that restaurant and to our next destination, we held hands interlocking most of the time, and we both liked it. Are we just friends? She said she needed some stuff at Wal-Mart, so I offered to pay for whatever she needed, which was cleaning supplies and supplements and make-up products, and I also bought her a big office table that we found for $98 or something. She wanted it because she wanted to replace her current plastic table. The total for everything was around $210 or something. No problems from me.

We then went to this snow cone place, and she ordered this fancy custom sour snow cone in Spanish and the total was $5.01. I remember it's $5.01 because it was $5 and one cent. That's ridiculous. Anyway it was this fancy looking snow cone, very big and cool looking. I park the car nearby in like this nice forest spot, maybe romantic. There was only one spoon that they gave us, so we shared it. She fed me the first scoop, taking a bit of the snow cone and feeding it to me, and then she'd feed herself, and we just ate the snowcone that way. We shared the spoon so we were sharing saliva with each other and getting very intimate. And before we ordered the snow cone, we were holding hands interlocking at the drive-thru. Are we still just friends?

Afterwards we go to her house, it's the first time I've been there. She's never let me into her home before, and I never knew where she lived. But I bought this desk for her and it didn't fit in her car, it barely fit in my big SUV, so we just brought it directly to her house. She lived in a similar apartment to me, just the second floor of some guy's home. We bring all the groceries and stuff upstairs to her place, and it's really small. It's basically just a really small kitchen, really small living room, and one room and one bathroom, and that was her home.

She gave me a small tour of the place, except for her bedroom which she was like "Hey don't look in there! That's a girl's room!" and all I saw was a single bed and a bunch of clothes lying around. The kitchen and the living room area were nice and clean, very neat. She showed me some photos she had of herself and her family members, they were very nice photos and they were all very meaningful to her. She showed me her work desk which had her laptop and artwork and other things on it, it was all very neat and organized. She gave me some of the stickers of artwork that she made and came up to me and hugged me after giving them. She has an art animation degree but does not use it for anything and she makes very good artwork.

Afterwards she gives me a Sunkist drink and a freezie ice pop. Underneath her desk she has a collection of like 50 games or something, I think they were Gamecube and Wii Games, I think, and she just offers to give them to me since she says she doesn't have any space for them anymore. We hang out at her place for a bit, and she plays some music in Spanish and sings along. She has a good time with me there, very happy I visited and everything.

Afterwards we leave and start driving to this shopping center where her car is. I forgot to mention that we met up at this shopping center and I picked her up there, because she just wanted to meet up some place close to her, not her exact address. It was only after I got her the desk that we basically had to drive to her place. Anyway she's enjoying the freezie ice pop, I already finished mine before I started driving, and I attempt to grab her hand and it was wet and cold due to her holding the freezie ice pop, she pulls her hand away and she was like "hey what's with you holding my hands all the time, why do you always do that?" and I guess my answer really sucked, I just said "because I like it" and basically she got really mad or something and I think basically asked me to stop.

Anyway I asked if we were just friends, and she said yeah we were just friends and she says I clarified it in my text messages. Yeah okay, I get that I said that we would just be friends. I think we do a lot more than just friends though. We could be more than friends. I don't want to close that possibility off. Anyway I find her car and parked next to it. She says a bunch of stuff and thanks me and gives me a long hug, when we hug I make sure our cheeks are touching each other so we feel the warmth of each other's cheeks, and she gives me a sort of long kiss on my cheek after. This is the second time she kissed me on my cheek, and she said some parting words and got into her car.

She looked really happy and satisfied and whatever. Later that night she sends me a picture of this foot EMS massager and asks me where to get it, and sends me some heart eyes emoji. I think it's her first time sending me any hearts of any sort. I said I don't know where to get it. Later that night she messages me with a message like "thanks Megg for making my day a lot better" and a few thank yous and a good night and some happy emojis. It's her first time doing that to me. Since then she's been sending me similar messages like "Good morning Megg, hope you have a nice day!" and stuff like that. In her replies to other people on her Facebook, I noticed she's been using the love emoji so much more frequently. In reply to one of her girl friends, she used like 10 different heart emojis, the love eyes, the red hearts, the face surrounded by hearts, etc. I mean the message wasn't for any guy or anything, but I assume she was thinking of someone she was really into while sending that, right?

She updated her Whatsapp status to "do the good thing" and has a wedding ring emoji on it. I think she is in love with someone. I don't know if it's me, since she said we were just friends. She said "Yeah like you said we're just friends. I listen to my heart." But I don't get it, are just friends? Our actions are certainly more than just friends. She said she wanted to talk to me about something this morning, and said she had to do some stuff first and then we could meet up to talk about it, but it never happened, she was never free the rest of the day I guess, she did send me one heart emoji by itself. Was that just to me or what? I don't get anything.

All the above story happened on Saturday, not today. I was giving a quick summary on Saturday, Sunday, and Monday. Sunday and Monday I did nothing, Saturday was when I saw Aloe again and visited her home.

Anyway the title of today's entry is frustration. At around 11:30 AM I checked out this other property in the capital for $70k, and it was a condo on the 13th floor and guess what, the room number was 1313. I'm not making that up. The place was bigger than the one I'm buying, but it was broken down in a lot of areas and needed major renovation, it was just in a bad condition. The real estate agent gave me an offer sheet if I ever change my mind and want to buy it.

Afterwards I went out to this restaurant to eat, and that's the first part of the frustration. I buy this meal for $10 and I eat it at home. I am so full. Afterwards though, I drive to the mall to get a smoothie, and then I later eat an Acai sorbet and granola. Annoying. I checked my weight and it was 210 or something. I mean yeah, night time weight with all the water and food and stuff still in my stomach, but I was so frustrated.

I went out again tonight and just went to the highway bridge where I walk back and forth and just sang and screamed my lungs out until I was hoarse again. I was there for around two hours, singing as loud as I possibly could, walking back and forth. I was so frustrated I just let it all out. It takes such a long time to get my voice to become hoarse, I'm literally screaming at the top of my lungs basically, for two hours, and I am not getting hoarse. After that time though, my voice does become hoarse again, and I can barely hear myself speak. My voice becomes very breathy and I sound gay, without even trying, I just sounded like a gay person because my voice just becomes so breathy when it's hoarse. I went back home after that.

I am so frustrated because of my weight gain. I just wanted to out and scream, so that's what I did, except I did it in music form so I didn't just scream randomly and get attention. I don't know if anyone can hear me. The bridge I walk back and forth from, it's sort of close to buildings and people. They are quite far away, but also quite close. By far away, I mean like, imagine the distance of crossing the street from one side to the street to another, I'm about 2 of those away from the nearest building. It's close, but also far, I don't know if anyone can hear me from there, but I make the assumption that no one can, because no one has said anything to me. There's people outside those buildings, sitting around or standing around or whatever, and I don't know if they can hear me at all. They haven't said anything.

Afterwards I jogged for like 5 minutes, just back to my car basically. Because it was already dark out when I went out, I parked at this actual parking spot instead of just the side of the road, and it took me a bit longer to walk over to the highway bridge. So I sing at the highway bridge because there's cars driving by, and they are so freaking loud. I figure that anything I yell out, will be drowned out by the hundreds of cars passing by quickly underneath.

Anyway that's my frustration for today, my stupid weight gain. I just want to scream and yell again, but I am so sleepy right now as I type this. I just want to go to sleep. Should I text Aloe first before going to sleep? Something like "Pienso que estas enamorado, pero no se con quien." Is that a fine message to send them? I just want to know who they are so enamored by. Is it me? Am I even in there for consideration?

Anyway I am juts super sleepy. So sleepy.

I can write Spanish pretty well now, minus the accents and whatever. I can say a bunch of stuff in Spanish now, almost at a conversational level. I'm going to write in Spanish again tomorrow. Today I'm just really sleepy.

I haven't read any of @Miya-Miya 's latest entries yet, I am too sleepy for now.