Aug. 12, 2021

I feel like a horrible friend.

I spent most of the day getting ready for the camping adventure this weekend, only to have it cancelled an hour before I was supposed to be picked up. Turns out they booked the wrong campsite or they discovered that it was a six-hour drive and didn't want to go that far. My friend, who planned this event was rightfully upset. Turns out I was too, more than I feel I should be and that just makes me feel worse. I don't blame my friend for how I feel. It wasn't just me going. I haven't been camping since I was in my early teens.

To do anything like this I have to rely on other people. I don't drive because my vision is crap. I did ask my eye dr if I could when I was 16 and he said I would more than likely need a dr note and IF they let me I would be heavily restricted. The examples he gave at the time were: no highways and no driving at night. Which would leave me with just local driving. Not worth it in my books.

The disappointment of the last-minute cancellation hit me hard. I got emotionally overwhelmed by it while I unpacked and talked to my aunt that I cried. I have no doubt that my friend feels ten times worse than I do and that is why I feel like a horrible friend. It is selfish and I have made it about me.

She is the one that booked it and bought food and organized everything and here I am crying because she had to cancel it. I do wonder if my grief has something to do with my reaction? After such a big loss in January, perhaps I am not coping with any loss well in general right now. I haven't said anything to my friend because I DO NOT want to make her feel worse and sound like a selfish brat.

She has made other plans and has invited me along, I am considering it. I needed time to process this really strong emotional reaction. Again it sounds so selfish. My emotions are valid whether I agree with them or not. I was not the only one affected by this either. It was a group of us. I will sleep on the offer and make my mind up in the morning.

Written by EmeraldPhoenix

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