Aug. 15, 2021

Letting down others to pick myself up

After a night of insomnia and anxiety, at dawn I cancelled all my plans for today. I felt terribly guilty for letting my friend down. And I was angry at myself because I did not pay attention to the anxiety buildup, I just kept shutting it down until it became too loud to ignore. It made me mute, my brain frozen and my body shaking with terror.

I could have seen this coming. There was the 2 hour train trip ahead with multiple changes. No certainty that in 4 minutes I could change platforms with the pain in my knees. The steep walk in the forest ahead. The promise of burning sun. Bugs and mud. Relationship drama buried. Impossible to mourn for a relationship that is not dead yet. I know it’s impossible to revive it now that I’ve killed our past.

she invited us to a concert in the woods. He adores her. She is the girl I never was. I am becoming the man who used to be that shadow of a girl. I tried so hard to be this girl he loved. He says he still loves me. But he says he is straight, so he can’t be attracted to me anymore now that I started testosterone. I have been thinking every morning of the past 3 weeks when I apply T. gel that I am becoming more and more unloveable for him. Of course not for everyone. But I don’t care about everyone. I don’t want this to end. I used to be happy for him when he met the concert girl.

I don’t want to be jealous of her. It seems very pointless. I can’t help feeling angry at her but I don’t understand why. I wish I could be cisgender. I did not ask for more on my plate. I am terrified. I wish my birth gender was a nice comfy place and I could just stick with it. « Being a girl » never made any sense to me. But I couldn’t be a boy so it was settled. And I never learned to be a boy, so I am afraid I am doing a terrible job at this gender performance thing I can’t even begin to understand. I know why I was a girl. To stay somewhere familiar and be intelligible to others, to stay in line. To be on the good side of the line, not with the oppressor. I don’t really know why I transition FTM. Or FTX. I just go towards the light of what I feel, like a seed that was buried under concrete and has found a way through, a crack. Because my other option is to continue to wither and die slowly smothered.

I figured this morning that going to that forest concert was a bad idea. That I would be picking up myself in pieces at the end of the day.

sooner or later, disappointing others is inevitable. I may as well do what causes me less discomfort. Take a stop. Stand still. Having no plan is hard. It’s harder to stand still than to run. Drop what you have been carrying. Have you been carrying it for yourself or to avoid being burdensome to others? Drop everything and pick yourself up slowly, one day at a time. Gender and personality are just words. You don’t need questions, you already know.

Written by Baldizut

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