I dropped my dad off at the airport today at around 11 AM, and I went from feeling pretty good to like this wave of depression hitting me as soon as I got home and realized I was going to be living alone now. I'm not really alone, since I live in a condominium and have a bunch of neighbors. When I parked there were two people that greeted me. So I don't think that's the cause of my problems.
I think the cause of my own anxiety and stress and depression right now is all the pending tasks I have to do. I already did "that" twice today, and I realize I did that as a way to temporarily feel good, sort of like taking a drug. An escape from my tasks. The biggest tasks controlling me right now is my college homework.
I'm only registered for one class this term. I have dropped out of my past 3 terms and I cannot drop out of this current term because if I do, then I drop out from the school too. There's a limit of dropping out of 3 subsequent terms, if you drop out of a 4th term, you are gone. I can drop out the next term after this one, but I have to complete this term first.
It's a class with a subject I should already be familiar with, oh I don't even know what it's called. I haven't opened up my class page for it this whole week because of my anxiety at looking at the homework. Last week I had to read 200+ pages of complicated technical stuff. Did I read all that? NO. I didn't read a single page, I just went straight to doing the homework problems, as I always do. Oh yeah, do not follow my example, but I basically completed my entire Associate's Degree without doing any of the reading assignments, because they assign so much reading that it's basically impossible. I would just read short articles of the same subject matter online or watch videos, and that's what my studying would consist of. None of what they actually assigned.
Some people are in 3 classes a term, but I'm literally only taking just 1 class and it's overwhelming me, mainly because I don't look at the pages or do any assignments until the last minute. When I say last minute, I mean some days I literally don't even know what homework I have for the entire week until an hour before the assignment is due, because all assignments are due at the same time and day every week.
I just looked online now and the class I'm in is called Analysis of Algorithms, and I briefly skimmed to look at what homework I have, and it's a lot.
Just came back from playing Beat Saber for a bit, another escapism activity. I started playing it again last week, they added a bunch of new songs including Sweet Escape by Gwen Stefani. I wrote about that song recently, and I was also silently wishing that they actually added songs that I could sing to in the game, and then they did. Pretty much all the songs in the game have no lyrics at all, so it was nice that they added some with singable lyrics. There's also Linkin Park songs with lyrics, but those songs are hard to play and also the lyrics are depressing to sing along to.
So I thought about it, while playing Beat Saber. I think I'm going to get back into Habitica again. My account is probably one of the most complete accounts in the entire game. I have done every single quest in the game an average of 20-30 times, no joke. These quests are mainly pet quests too and cost 3 gems each to do. But I am in the #1 guild in the entire game, and we do 2-3 quests a day, or something like that. I have 845 pets and 797 mounts. The reason that mount number isn't any higher is because I got lazy with feeding all the pets and turning them into mounts, but rest assured I have 100 times more than enough food to feed every pet to get them to mounts. In my inventory, I have over 3000 of every single food item.
And this is me basically not using Habitica for years. I would log in to click off two dailies every day, just so I don't get kicked out of the #1 guild, but most of the time I don't even do those dailies for real. I have 340 gems in my account, all achievements unlocked. I even have all the costumes in the game, except a few, because I just didn't feel like buying them with gems. I could buy them at any time right now though. I would say in total, I am missing like 5 pets and like 2 mounts total, and that's it. I have every other pet and mount or I could get that mount anytime I wanted but just haven't yet. For armor, I think I am missing almost none. I think I have every piece of armor and equipment except some of the really unique stuff only given to like 1 person.
I even have fully animated armor for all my equipment slots, but I choose not to wear any because it's so pretentious. I have some really crazy equipment, I could make my character all shiny and glowing and animated with an animated pet, animated mount, animated background, animated all equipment slots (helmet, weapon, armor, pants, etc). But I feel like I would just be so high up, like a "king" or something, wearing such equipment. It's not really my style to stand out so much. It's actually impossible too for anyone to get the same animated equipment anymore, because it was a limited time event thing that lasted like a week, and even then barely anyone got it.
If I was a new player, and I saw another player like me wearing the fancy equipment I have. Having all my shiny equipment and everything. I'm not going to think "maybe I can get to that level some day," I would just quit because it would be an impossibility. There is not many other players that have the same animated armor I have, there's probably less than 100 players that have it. Probably less than 50. Not to mention my animated pets and mounts too. Practically no one has that too. You have over a thousand of player a day posting in the Tavern chat, and they're all newbie looking, and if I post something with my animated everything, I would be standing out so much.
Oh yeah, if I post while wearing that animated armor and everything, it would appear animated in the post too. It would show my character animated and glowing and all that, and my character would be the only one animated out of anyone else posting. It would attract so much attention. So that's why I am in my non-animated rainbow uniform on Habitica, so that my character still looks good and unique, but doesn't stand out so much. I just can't imagine myself ever posting once with all that animated armor and stuff on. I put it on once just to try it out, and had everything animated like my background, mount, pet, everything, and I didn't like it, it was way too unique. Who am I to deserve such attention?
What made me want to play Habitica again, and by play I mean actually use it for real dailies and tasks instead of just checking off two fake dailies every day just to meet my guild's quota, is that a player messaged me. It was this player named MilenaL They have no description, no photo, they joined in 2018 and barely logged onto the site, and they barely have any pets or any achievements or anything. I don't recognize their name in any of my challenges, and I manually handle those challenges so I get to see common names and such all the time.
MilenaL sent me a message that they wanted to send me all their gems, which was just 2 gems, which was cute, because I had freaking 338 gems already and I get 50 every month, so this basically did nothing for me. But they wouldn't know that. Anyway they said they were quitting because they didn't log on much, and yeah they barely logged on, just 254 total check-ins even after being registered since 2018. They said they were grateful I was running the vegan challenge and that's why they sent me the gems. Awesome, that is my favorite challenge that I host and the most meaningful and impactful one, since a vegan can spare hundreds of animal lives a year, and tens of thousands in a lifetime. It is a huge waste anyone kills any animals at all for food, like seriously, I'm able to survive on under $3 for an entire day of vegan foods and it's not at all difficult.
6:23 AM (of Wednesday, September 15th 2021)
I wrote a bunch more text about my current life and situation, but I decided to just keep it private. Should I keep it private though? I just don't feel comfortable writing about it.
6:52 AM (of Wednesday, September 15th 2021)
I wrote a bunch of text yet again, and moved it to a private entry yet again. I'm not comfortable writing about my current situation, it's unique and positive though. I've seen news articles written about it, of people accomplishing similar things. My accomplishment is noteworthy enough to be put in newspapers. And yet it's not something I want to brag about though, probably.
My unique situation comes with its own sets of problems and challenges, that most people cannot relate to. No matter how well you are doing in life or how well your life situation is, it has its own problems. Not that I am considering any of these actions at all, the thoughts never even crossed my mind, but let's just say that even famous and wealthy successful people commit suicide. Quote unquote "they have it all" and they still take their lives away. Again, I have never considered the thought at all, it's just part of my example that you can accomplish a lot and "have it all" but still have problems.
My problems aren't mental though, well maybe they are, but not in the way that I want to take my life or that I feel depressed. In fact I feel overwhelmed. Different problems I guess, really hard to relate to. Though I might probably be able to relate a little with these famous / rich celebs. I've never met one or hung out with one in real life yet though.
What am I even going on about? I'm just ranting about a vague problem or problems now. I'm gonna go out and walk. I decided to take 3333 steps in the morning, 3333 steps in the afternoon, and 3333 steps in the evening. That way it all adds up to at least 10,000 steps a day. It's all tracked on Habitica again.
Is it better to be anonymous or known? I think, related to what I want to accomplish, I will eventually have to become a known person. There is no way around it. Maybe I should be far more open to writing about my current life and everything, on the way to getting there. Even though I do keep an online journal and I try to write every day, I keep a lot of my life private. It doesn't seem like I do, but there are so many aspects of my life I never write about except in private entries. Anyway back to having to walk 3333 steps.
I feel like posting in the guild chat something like "I'm back on Habitica again!" but I think that would be so messed up, because I think they've been thinking I was already here the whole time. Well, probably not. They probably don't care at all, because I've met all the monthly requirements for staying in the guild.
Anyway there's a lot more I want to do with my life. It's really going to be a fun journey accomplishing it all. I want to write about it all, but first I'm going to walk outside.
9:49 AM (of Wednesday, September 15th 2021)
I uploaded pictures from my Habitica account about all the stuff I have unlocked, which is basically everything. If I am missing any pets or mounts or equipment, it's not that I'm not able to attain it, it's that I didn't put in any effort in hatching or getting that equipment yet. But I could do it anytime. I tried to upload a photo of my stable too, but the website doesn't support images that large. Also, the images were all resized on upload.
The reason for that is server space, there's not an unlimited amount of storage space, and images take up the most. If people uploaded 3mb images, the server capacity would be used up very quickly. So we made it so that the images are resized and the quality lowered, so that people could upload almost unlimited images for free. I think the most they reach is like 50kb, and on average images are around 10kb, so users are free to upload unlimited images. It is a weakness too though, because no one can view these images in their full size.
Anyway yeah, those are pictures of the achievements I've completed, all the quests, all the items I have, and equipment, etc. The only thing not pictured is my stable with all the pets and mounts, and again the server just isn't able to lower the size enough, so it fails to upload.
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