Scary and Lonely

7:50 PM

My entire neighborhood and I’m assuming a wide radius around it, is out of electricity.

7:54 AM

Well the electricity is back now. I’m writing this on the Notes app of my MacBook Air, because I planned on copy/pasting it to AYAT once the electricity and Wi-Fi came back. Looks like electricity is back now, a bunch of lights in my home just turned on, but Wi-fi is not up yet.

7:58 AM

Wi-Fi is back now.

One thing that is reliable at least, is the battery life of Apple products. They last forever. I probably charge my MacBook Air once a week? Not that often, and I use it for doing a bunch of stuff such as browsing the Internet and watching South Park in Spanish, all unplugged, as I carry it around the home to different places. For my PC laptops, I always leave them plugged in. I basically never use them when they’re not plugged in.

Yeah that’s a huge difference. For my MacBook Air, I am always using it when it’s not plugged in. For my other laptops, they have to be plugged in to work properly. My other laptops are 17 inch laptops too though, so they are massive and not really the kind to move around anyway.

As someone that has the most powerful laptop you have ever heard of; 128 GB ram (yes RAM, and YES 128gb of it on a laptop, that is not a typo), 4 TB storage, 6-core Intel Xeon processor, my opinion is that computer specs don’t really matter at all. For anyone buying a new computer or used computer or whatever, I don’t even recommend looking at the specs. Pretty much every computer is above 8gb ram at this point, with 256gb SSD, i5 processor, and that’s honestly sufficient to do everything. It might not play the games at the highest graphical settings, but it can at least play them, and that’s all you need.

I bought my MacBook Air without even considering its specs. I just went to Best Buy and bought whichever, I only learned of the specs later. It has 8gb ram and 256gb storage and M1 processor, and everything works on it amazingly. I really don’t notice any difference between this machine and my 128gb ram machine. They both work, they both run programs, one can just run a lot more programs simultaneously, especially virtual machines which is the main reason I bought a machine with high ram (but I still probably only use like 20gb ram total most of the time, maybe 60gb at the max with like 5 virtual machines running at the same time). But that’s really all.

I think 256gb SSD storage is quite small now though, because there are Micro SD cards that have 1TB storage, and these are tiny storage units that are also technically SSDs. I’m not sure why manufacturers don’t just use Micro SD cards as the main storage, is it slower? I think it should be faster than an HDD at least.

Anyway back to today. I titled this Scary and Lonely because that’s how I felt when the lights went out in my entire neighborhood. There wasn’t anyone I could even go to contact. I did text my boss though and told him my electricity went out, because I’ve texted him recently of the times other things went offline like my Internet or water, so I texted him this update too. But who else could I contact? I do have friends I message every now and then, but they’re far away, they can’t do anything for me.

No one wants to chat now either. I miss several years ago when I had phone numbers of people and I could call them up anytime. I would call them up sometimes as I was walking and we would just chat for hours. Pretty much every time I went out to walk there would be someone available to call randomly anytime I wanted. I think everyone is so busy now or they don’t want to chat. Some of the women I talked to back then, are married now and have kids, or they’re in relationships with other people now. I doubt any of them would want to talk to me these days, because I’ve moved on from them, so they should have easily moved on from me, and it’s been years now.

Today I paid off my credit card bills. I always pay them off pretty early, so I don’t accumulate any interest. I never had any money carry over to the next statement period, because I always pay off my balance entirely every week or two, and I have also never been charged any interest even once. I mention paying off my credit card bills because I’ve been going out pretty much every day recently, eating out. I would spend $20 to $40 a day just on food, vegan food obviously since I don’t buy any corpses of animals, and $20 to $40 a day is a lot. So I check my credit bill today after a week or two of this daily going out and it was only at around $200, which I was shocked by because I expected it to be higher. I paid that off right away.

I’m so very bored. There’s only so much you can do in the world. I know I am overweight. I weighed 207.2 pounds today this morning when I weighed myself right after using the bathroom to expel waste, although I have been exercising a decent amount too. I haven’t been writing about it, but I’ve been taking around 10k steps a day, and doing strength exercises. I would basically do 180 seconds of planking, 30-60 push ups, 150 crunches, and 60 goblet squats every day, or less than that. Some days like today, I only did 60 seconds of planking, 12 push ups, 50 crunches, and 20 goblet squats, since I didn’t feel like doing anymore. Which is the wrong way to go about it, just because I don’t feel like doing more, doesn’t mean I shouldn’t do more, but it’s nighttime now, and my stomach has a bunch of food, so I figured I’m done exercising for the remainder of the day.

Thanks to these exercises, I can squat so easily now, and stand up again, so easily. I can also go from a laying down on my back position, to a sitting up position, easily. But I still weigh a lot. I’m still pretty fat. It’s weird, I would say I’m probably in the top percentile for healthy fat person. I am at 30 or higher BMI for my height and weight which is considered obese. Yet I doubt many others in my BMI range can do a plank for 60 seconds or do 20 proper push ups in one go or do 100 crunches at once. I make sure my form and exercises are in proper form too since that’s very important.

Oh yeah, even though I am in the obese percentile, everyone says I DON’T LOOK FAT. It’s fucked up. I am obese and no one says so. I know how much better my appearance is and how much more attractive I am once I shed the weight and I’m lighter. But like, with me being this fat, it seems like all the weight is distributed throughout my body in such a way that I look pretty much normal except a little bit overweight.

There was this guy around my height, maybe an inch taller, who showed me pictures of when he weighed 180 pounds and he looked like this extremely fat obese unhealthy guy and he told stories of how everyone around him called him fat and made fun of him at 180 pounds. I weigh almost 30 pounds more than that right now, and I look far better than him in terms of not looking obese. It is quite unbelievable. I wouldn’t believe it myself if he didn’t show me those pictures and he even agreed with me, that I look like I don’t even look fat even though I weighed 30 pounds more.

Anyway it’s annoying because women think this is all I am. Like I am this ugly and unattractive guy, and that I am just a normal weight person. That’s so wrong. I know from firsthand experience that appearance improves tremendously with weight loss from obesity, in the face, body, everything. So I want to get to an attractive level again. As sad as it is, I think for people to care about you, you pretty much have to look attractive. There was that case recently of that missing woman who went on international news, apparently in that same state there were like 300+ missing women that past year or something but they weren’t white and as pretty, so they didn’t make headlines.

I believe that appearance is extremely important. Women always say it doesn’t matter, but it matters so much. I had a phone call recently with a new woman friend on messenger and told them about me wanting to improve my appearance. They said things like appearance doesn’t matter, it’s more personality, and they told me examples of fat people with an attractive partner and so on, but meh. I agree, you can get into a relationship with someone much more attractive than you, even if you are fat, like I was able to recently, but appearance still plays such a huge role, and my being unattractive lead to her leaving. If I were more attractive back then, she probably wouldn’t have left.

11:13 PM

Anyway my emotions change so drastically. Earlier when I started writing this entry, I was actually feeling quite lonely. I was writing about appearance because there’s something I did recently that’s related. Now I just feel sleepy.

I went to Macy’s again today, because I was feeling down and lonely. I had this idea to buy some smaller sized clothing, so that I would be incentivized to lose weight so I can wear them. So I went around the store just choosing good looking clothing I wanted to buy, that were all medium sized. At one point near the end of my shopping, I was carrying loads of clothes around with me. Like, so much clothing, I estimate it to be like 10 pounds or more of clothes with the hangers included. There was a very attractive young woman who kept passing by my view a bunch of times, and kept getting close to me, maybe intentionally to get me to talk to them? I don’t know.

I was just looking at clothes and she would walk in front of me, or the side of me, or something. Anyway I stood in line, and shortly after she got behind me too, I didn’t expect that. I think she was impressed by the number of clothes I was buying and maybe wanted me to talk to them? I really have no idea. I’m just intuiting this.

The person scanning my stuff was also an attractive woman. I should have chatted with her. “Estoy comprando estos camisetas para motivación a perder pesos,” which is “I’m buying these clothes for motivation to lose weight,” and made small talk. She also thought I was buying a lot. Some shirts, just a shirt alone, cost me $50 for one shirt. So yeah these clothes were expensive too. The total in the end was around $550 just for clothes.

Anyway I had these thoughts on the walk out of the store and back to my car, that I should have chatted with the woman behind me. I was so lonely and so desperate for someone to talk to or go out with. I had this idea of going up to her since she was behind me and saying something like “puedo pagar por tus camisetas, pero necesitas ir a una cita con yo”, offering to pay for her stuff, but she had to go on a date with me. Would that have been an appropriate way to ask someone out?

I also want to spend money on other people because it makes me happy to gift them things. I already have everything I want. What about helping someone else? And by someone else, I pretty much only mean my would-be girlfriend. I kind of don’t want to help friends in the same way. I don’t want to buy them stuff because I don’t feel that way about them, while I would feel that way for my would-be girlfriend.

I just want to be with somebody. Why is it so hard to find someone?