Sort of Got It Together

12:18 AM (of Saturday, October 23rd 2021)

Today is Friday, October 22nd 2021. It is so weird how time just flies by even when I'm fully conscious of the day and actively trying to do things. My weight this morning was 199.7 pounds. I did some refeeding again yesterday, because I sent pictures of the food we have here (all vegan obviously) to a friend that I talk to about fasting, and I got so freaking hungry after sending those pictures. I have extremely easy access to those foods and a lot of those foods I sent him pictures of, I literally just prepared so I could take pictures of them. Yeah.

So I kinda lost it yesterday after around 90 hours of fasting (around 4 days), and just gave up and ate again. I used that yes/no wheel again to help me decide what to do, and it said things would still work out even if I ate yesterday. So, I did. And today, I ate again too. Not sure why, I wasn't planning on it, and I wasn't as hungry as yesterday, but it still happened. I couldn't control myself.

This is my second time I ended my fast, and whenever I do this, I just end up doing "that" so many times. I did it only twice today, but on the day I started my fast, I did "that" four times on the same day. Okay, now I realize where all my time is going. Doing "that" really wastes my time.

There was actually going to be a third time I did "that" today, but thankfully I didn't. I instead printed out these documents and business papers I needed to get notarized and sent off to a government agency. I could have done this yesterday, but procrastination took a hold of me yesterday. I can't say procrastination didn't hold me today either, because I left home at around 3:40 PM with my dad, just an hour and twenty minutes before the attorney's office closes, and it was a 20-30 minute drive to go there.

Anyway, somehow things worked out. I have no idea how they do, but they do. I got the papers notarized well, spoke in Spanish with people. Everyone is always so impressed with my Spanish. Like, come on. Everywhere I go, and whenever I speak Spanish, people always compliment me. Yeah, I study every day, every single day, at least an hour a day and I know my weaknesses. It's not really good to be complimented when you know you're not that good, it's annoying when you hear it all the time.

Anyway, before all that though, I was working on some contracting work for my business. My boss, I guess this person used to be my boss, but now he's a client? He's awesome by the way, I highly respect him. Anyway, my client, sent me some work and said these should take 1-2 hours to do. Man. I think these time estimations are way off. If I knew every single thing I was doing, then yeah, 1-2 hours. But... Well, actually, yeah it's not that much work. But, it's tricky. I don't know. Definitely will take me longer than 1-2 hours. I worked on it for about 2 hours, and at around 3:40 PM I just gave up, and left to get the papers notarized.

I'm going in backwards order here, but I have Spanish lessons in the morning. That was no different today. She doesn't know all the details about my life, but I would say she knows more than most. Throughout all these lessons, I went over my life with her, even today. I would share my screen and show her stuff like pictures, my resume, past things I've done, my school grades, my current university classes I'm taking and my current grades, and I would even show her these journal entries. She knows countries I've been to, she knows where I was born, she knows where I've lived, she knows the university I went to, she knows my current problems in life. I talk about my current problems and frustrations all the time.

I don't even think I write about my current problems and frustrations enough on here. It can basically be boiled down to me not feeling like I'm enough, that I'm inadequate, that I haven't done enough in my life. I am so frustrated, and angry, and depressed, and annoyed. I've written in a private entry some accomplishments I've had. That entry is actually supposed to be public, since I didn't write anything too crazy, but yeah I am just so freaking frustrated. Some accomplishments I've done are literally things people dream about doing, and I've done them. Just a simple one that I thought was super easy, was to get a million views on YouTube, and I have several million views now, I think I accomplished a million views back in high school. Yeah.

Another one was I've created and published 30+ apps to the Apple Play Store, Google Play Store, Windows Store, and Amazon. They all sucked, and did not gain me any money (or just a really small amount). I've been to over 10 countries, lived in 3 for at least a year. My fastest typing speed was 195 words per minute. I've written over 3000 journal entries since 2010. I've been vegan for 9 years. My old websites back in the day were successful, gaining 30,000 unique visitors a day, sometimes 200,000 unique visitors in a single day in peak traffic. I co-authored a very popular creepypasta (basically took the original posted by an anonymous user, made modifications and additions, and my version became the hit version), it became so popular they made a movie out of it, and that was also the reason why one of my popular websites got so many visitors was people coming in to read that creepypasta.

There's also some recent achievements, like I saved up enough to be able to buy my first home in cash at 27 years old. Either way, all these achievements are ephemeral and fleeting. I don't even feel them anymore. There is no joy or meaning to having achieved any of this for me. You might think a gold medalist winner at an Olympic event or a Nobel prize winner or a winner of some tournament (I've experienced winning first place in a tournament before), would feel a lot of satisfaction or joy. But it's only for that moment. Just that moment they receive the prize, maybe for some time after that they feel elated, and then, I'm only talking about my experience, but it all felt like nothing after a while, as if it didn't even happen.

I've also accomplished a lot of my own dreams. My previous job, used to be my dream job. Before I got that job, it used to be that I wanted it so badly, that I'd feel joy and gratefulness and satisfaction and worth by getting that position and role. I got it, and... It was good for a while, but then it just felt like normal. Now I get recruiters offering me similar positions, or even higher positions, related to that job, and I don't even care. I just ignore them most of the time, or send a reply that I'm not interested, or even just try out for fun. It's all fleeting.

At least today I sort of got my life organized again. I had Emacs installed for a while, but it's really annoying to configure and set up, so I procrastinated setting it up until today. It takes hours on a new system. I got Spacemacs set up and I got my orgmode files set up and ready, and beancount too. Yeah, I use these to organize my life. These things take hours, days, months, to learn to use properly. It's so hard to use. But I like it, I use it because it's hard to use. It's crazy how hard it is to use, which makes it fun. Few people will ever use Emacs, vim is a cakewalk in comparison. It is so robust with its layers, windows, and buffers, nothing comes close. I'm gonna use it to track my hours and time again.

I'm so frustrated. I'm not sure what I'm frustrated about exactly though, or I would have solved it. I know things I want to do, I want to lose weight and drop down to 150 pounds this year, from currently 200 pounds. But it's taking such a long time. What if I just focus on that first before anything else? Everything is frustrating. I want to do "that" again now just so I can liberate myself a bit from the pain.

2:09 AM (of Saturday, October 23rd 2021)

Whatever, I did "that" again.

2:31 AM (of Saturday, October 23rd 2021)

After lying down and thinking about it for a while, something I haven't tried is giving myself a sort of forced military-like schedule to exercise and work. I have too much freedom right now, to do anything I want. I think that's what's causing me pain and frustration. I have goals I want to accomplish, but I'm not giving it my all. I'm lazily going about my day, having the freest schedule, only working when I want, only exercising if I felt like it (which is never!!). I'm honestly free, youthful, energetic, enough to do anything I want in my life, if only I worked as hard as possible for it.

I need to create a plan. God, even making a plan is unbearably hard. I'm too lazy and tired to do it. But seriously, fuck my life right now. I hate it. I want to change it.

I can run every day and do strength work outs every day. I'm strong enough to do it. It takes so much fucking effort though. Also, since I just finished doing "that", all I want to do right now is just eat a bunch of food and drink a bunch of water, and then go to sleep. I have excuses like, why can't I start this super discipline thing tomorrow (Sunday)? Why do I have to start today, right now? Why do I have to work on a plan right now?

I'm shit and annoyed and fucked and angry and pissed and depressed and enraged and furious. I want to scream so loud.

I'll continue my planning and everything in the next day's entry where it's more appropriate.