27 - 10 - 21

Okay so I'm unfortunately collecting diagnoses at this point. Writing this during start of manic episode so probs not very understandable. Doc says enough for autism diagnosis but thats expensive. Will talk about bipolar next. Learnt that the hallucinations are normal symptom of bipolar. Self harm so don't hurt others. Revelation. Chronic pain and fainting and cramps and occasional paralysis may be part of larger health problem. Docs don't care enough to look into it. Told me to try deep breathing exercises. typical . failing first semester of college. trying not to fall into the trap of substance abuse to try to control my feelings. need job to more money to not cold turkey drugs. bad for brain chemicals. mom says i cant get an emotional service animal bc dorm is too small. bestie i cant afford grippy sock jail also o live there too and imm laeger than cat tf miss gurl. might sleep outside tonight. i like the cold. mentlaly ill enough to kill men. but if bear then im ded i like animals. college is harder than middle school i cant just waer shirtts that show my boobs more and get good grades i have to actully do work. therapy only has openjings once a monhr... meds are ecpensicve . coke sounds like it would fix everetyhging byt i know it will makes things workse in long run will only try when in good mindset not now also cant afford. LSD or shrooms might reset buttpn brain. why the fuck do people fuck with you when you are most vulnerable. I need to give back conteol to the bitch i was in middle school .she survived some heavy shit. im too soft right now. I thingk its working. I cant fail out of spite. virginity is a social construct you dont need other ppl to loose it much less men gross. my proffessors a brony but i kindA want him to peg me. learjt the difference between a fetich sand and a knifk. o k dineer time food in cefeterian bad cant b vegetarian this year.