Many Days of Failure in a Row

6:12 AM (of Wednesday, November 10th 2021)

Today is Tuesday, November 9th 2021 and I have written incomplete private entries for the past few days. When I say I've had many days of failure in a row, like the title says, I mean that I didn't do what I intended on doing on those days. I had goals of fasting for a week, not eating anything, and yet I would end up usually after 5 PM, eating something, so I consider those days failures.

I incorrectly blame it on doing "that". I would do "that" 3 times a day on average, and I mean I remember my first fast a few weeks ago which worked and lasted 3 days, I did "that" 4 times on the first day and was still successful at doing 3 days of fasting (90 hours, so just 6 hours from 4 days), so I can't really blame it on doing "that" as the cause for my failure. Yet that's my excuse. It's just not a good one. I still really want to stop doing "that" altogether but just have difficulty because I am so addicted. I did "that" three times today too, four times yestreday, two the day before, and so on.

Actually today wasn't so terrible. I went to the bank today and had them fix my address and I also changed the pin on my business credit card, because it didn't work the last time I tried using it on an $80 purchase. I went to a furniture store after and wanted to buy this electric massage folding bed, with this one specific memory foam mattress, but they didn't have the memory foam mattress in stock, so I asked the sales woman I was talking to to call me when they have it available. I spoke entirely in Spanish at both the bank and at this furniture store for all the discussions about changing my address and pin and asking about the massage bed and memory foam mattress.

So I have been talking with this online friend for a while about my intent of buying the new Macbook Pro 16", which starts at $2500, and I was probably intent on getting the $3899 version with all the bells and whistles. So if I purchase it ($3899) using my business credit card, it can be a tax write off, meaning it can slightly lower my taxes at the end of the year (by less than $100 probably), as long as I use it only for business purposes. So, no games or adult videos or any personal stuff. So my previous employer now my client has been paying me by depositing money for my work into my business bank account, and I haven't really been using that money for anything at all. I did withdraw a bit to pay off my electricity, water, Internet, monthly HOA fees, and car debt the past few months, but I still have most of that money just sitting there doing nothing.

I don't have a lot of money on there, not much at all, but it's literally just sitting there. I primarily have to use it for business purposes such as hiring other companies for temporary services or hiring a freelancer for a small amount of work, and so on. I could also use it to purchase business equipment such as this $4k laptop (even though it's $3899, we can round to $4k for it, and it will probably be higher than $4k after sales taxes anyway). I've been watching a lot of videos on this laptop and I kind of really want it a lot. I'm just doubtful I would even get $4k worth of utility off it though.

My online friend who's also been vegan for the same length as me (since 2013), gave me a list of a bunch of other stuff I can buy with $4000, to try and discourage me from buying this laptop, but I went through his list, and wasn't discouraged at all. Pretty much everything on his list was stuff I didn't want or cared about like drones, electric scooters, electric bikes, spa visits, massages, lots of stuff like that. My friend also told me to check out these new Adidas 4dfwd shoes, and I was going to go to the mall right after the furniture store, but I noticed I was wearing sandals so there'd be no point going to the mall if I can't try out those new shoes (I needed socks). Those purchases also wouldn't count as a business expense so I would have to use a personal credit card for those purchases, not my business one.

Anyway I recently stopped using Org Mode as my organizer, and moved to the Reminders app that every Apple device comes with. It's been working so far. I have completed those bank tasks and other tasks that I have been procrastinating on fore a while, thanks to that Reminders app. Although I do have to really sit down and make a list of everything I have to do because there's so many things I am holding in my mind that I need to do, and it drives me a little crazy sometimes. People can't imagine how many tasks I hold in my mind, majority would probably go insane if they knew. Just for my previous employer / client alone, I have more than 30 different tasks I need to do for them.

I had a meeting with my boss/client today and we caught up on stuff again. I told him about me buying Apple products recently, the bunch of paperwork I have to do for my business and other things. I seriously at times feel like quitting because there is so much for me to handle. I have already sent a quitting letter two times, I wrote about them both on here, and this company just really really wants me to keep working for them. There's actually very few people in the world that can do what I do, since they are using very old legacy systems, and few people have the skills to work with those and those that do can't use any of the modern new stuff, while I have skills in both. So, it's annoying.

I'm only staying because I think fate makes me stay. Since I have already tried quitting twice and instead the result was that both times they asked me to explain why, and they literally did everything to accommodate me and my reasons., including writing up entirely new contracts and allowing me to move oversea, and allowing me to make my own company and they hire that company instead. Most recently they said I could just work anytime and for however long I wanted, even if it was just 1-2 hours a day (I think they gave me a minimal of at least 1 hour every weekday though). They said as long as I was thinking about work for 8 hours, even if I was at the beach or whatever, I could sign off 8 hours, even if I just worked 1 hour, but I'm not going to do that, I'm signing off 1 hour if I worked for an hour.

The past week for example, I'm signing off around 12 hours total probably (max a week is 40 hours). I can't feel good about signing off more. I only get paid for those hours I sign off, and I could sign off more like they explicitly told me I could, but I wouldn't feel good about that.

After the meeting, I did a bit of work, and then I went to Best Buy. I went there mainly to check out the new 16" Macbook Pro that I really really wanted to buy, but I used it there, and wasn't blown away. It's just a laptop. It's pretty much the same as my Macbook Air, just bigger, and more powerful. So I checked out the drones like my fiend recommended, and I could buy their most expensive ones for around $2000, and that would be far less than the Macbook Pro, but I couldn't really see myself using the drone that much for anything. I also checked out the iRobot Roomba vacuum robot and their vacuum mop, I was going to buy them, it would have been like $800 for both, much less than $4000, and it would have been so nice to have my floors cleaned without me doing anything, but I saw they came out with a new Roomba version recently but the Best Buy only had the old version, so I didn't buy.

I went to the mall after that to check out the new Adidas 4dfwd shoes, but they didn't have it either. So I just walked around the mall for an hour, looking at a bunch of stuff. Didn't buy anything except a smoothie. I forgot to mention I get lots of looks and stares as the only Asian guy walking around. I imagine this is how girls feel, but I am just walking by and I can notice the guy I'm walking by looking at me.

I went home and just sat in my room in the dark browsing the Internet. I did "that" again. And then I felt really bored and depressed. It's weird how these feelings randomly come up. I was feeling great and energetic throughout the day, but at home I felt so empty because of boredom.

So I also looked at Fiverr, maybe I could hire someone there to make the Stealth Launch website. I looked at some of the top rated people who made sites there, and I can make a better website than all of them. I just don't even feel like it though, and I haven't gotten around to it which is why Stealth Launch still has no website, but yeah I just felt really disappointed in the websites I looked at and felt like I could do a million times better. The problem is action though, even if I can make a better website, I have to actually do it. It's similar to knowing you can write a better song or paint a better picture or something, it still takes effort and action to do those things, and for me, I was just not feeling like doing anything.

So I think that was my whole day today. I didn't do much.