April 29, 2020

Habitica Challenge: Absent

I did not write down my entry for yesterday and today I'm making up for it. I was too tired even though I was not productive through out the whole day. I ended up becoming bedridden. I also have stiff neck and a headache. My eyes are tired and my brain keeps on zooming out. But the good news is, I did manage to sleep before 1 a.m. and that's a great start. My goal for today is to study anatomy and physiology, precalculus and chemistry. I'm not great at studying. The longest time I've studied was 30 minutes and I was cramming it. I always wanted to soar in great heights. But my inability to focus and lack of motivation have kept me from reaching it. Who knows, maybe one of the reason why I've been extremely tired is because of the pressure I've kept on putting to myself. You guys know how suffocating it is when you've been drowned by your own expectation. And how agonizing it is to fail yourself. I still have a vague plan in my life. If I keep on walking the path of uncertainties then I'll hurt myself in the process again.

I don't know why us humans really have that personality of wanting more, yet the body that can't sustain our own desires. Our ideas seemingly doesn't have any limits, but our ability to make it manifest always have an effect on us.

The price we pay to make the things we want happen always weights in an unimaginable amount. When a person wants to become part of the honor students, they need to sacrifice a part of their life; may it be their social life or their recreation. I wanted to spend my time in leisure, and it cause me my ambitions. I always want to get an above average grade. But I still choose not to try my best. I have poisoned my own mind with the idea that if I try my best and fail, it'll be painful. And if I won't try my best and just give a mediocre effort, when I'll fail it'll hurt less. And with that idea stuck in my mind, I have continued to be stuck in stagnation.

"If not today, when will I move forward?" That thought has always haunt me. I could say it's one of the reason of my sleepless nights. "Will I keep on staying in this place? Without even tasting the feeling of success?" At night it keeps on taunting me. Making me succumb into my own self doubts. I tried and tried and tried to ignore those lingering phrases. But those phrases are correct. And they have every right to swirl in my head. I'll use it. I'll use them to improve, to fuel this hollow vessel. If I don't have enough motivation I'll create them. I will cling on towards the bitter end. For myself, I'll do it.

I'll continue on doing it. But at what cause?

Written by kyverno

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