Jan. 13, 2022

been a while

It's been a while since I logged on here. So many things have changed. I finally found a new job and left the one I was bitchin' about. I live in the 'burbs now -- weird cause I don't drive and it's not the friendliest place for someone who doesn't drive. I attempted to learn to drive. Got a permit, attended the driver's education classes. However, actually learning to drive is harder. Driving schools expect you already know how to drive once you sign up for their drive time classes. They expect you have a driving coach (e.g. parents) for you to practice and log-in the hours. Unfortunately, for a loner and friendless person that I am, I have no one to practice. My sister recommended a coach and her friend contacted and convinced that coach to teach me. We met and had a lesson once. While so many things, positive-- they seem, happened, I'm finding my thoughts regretting all these decisions I made in the past year. There's just too much work involved and I'm afraid I'm not made for that. I'm a lazy person who doesn't like responsibility and what I've done requires serious adulting.

One good thing happened in the past year, my depression, anxiety, and self-esteem issues has diminished --likely due to the medications I was taking and not watching the news.... I still have my episodes, but to a much lesser degree and not wanting to die. Having said that, this morning I heard that voice again. I listed descriptions people have told me over the years:

  • boring
  • no personality
  • does not have a mind of her own/copy cat/does not think/no original thoughts
  • people pleaser, does not set boundaries
  • dishonest, untrue, unauthentic
  • selfish
  • has sexual anorexia
  • trying to be overly unique

Looking at the list, it made me tear up, because... it's true. I'm just a shell of a person, pretentious and filled with lies. Why do people like me exists? To become a model for people on not what to be? To be a motivation to some who responds to-- "see, there's always someone who's worse off than you."? To be the perfect example of a person to avoid? I don't know, but truly, I am not liking these reasons to live. I dunno, what I know is that, I may not have a lot of years left in me. I think I will be one of those people who will just suddenly fall over and die. But it's alright, no one's going to miss me. And-- it's better if it's me, cause no one depends on me, so win-win.

Well, I was certainly positive at the beginning of the year, but hey, look at me now!

Written by cake_thug

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