May 6, 2020

Another all-nighter and AP stress (Habitica Challenge)

I again am staying up late (currently 4 am). Maybe I'll pull an all-nighter tonight and actually stay awake during the day and then go to bed at a reasonable time. Not the greatest logic, but I guess that's the plan haha. Since I've been staying up so late for a while now, I honestly don't really count it to be the next day until the sun rises, so I will write about what I did for May 5.

I woke up at noon again, although I probably would have woken up later if it weren't for my mom wanting me to paint the bathroom cabinets. After she painted the kitchen cabinets white, she decided she wanted to paint all the bathroom cabinets to match. I honestly did not do a good job. I was really slow, and I painted the first coat too thin. I decided to take a break before going to paint the cabinets in the other bathroom, but my mom came upstairs and got mad at me for wasting time and supplies, which then escalated to her getting angry about other things. She yelled at me for about half an hour, but I'll spare the details since I don't feel like dwelling on it anymore. Long story short: not fun.

Later, I do some chores I had been meaning to do but never got around to. I put away all my clothes instead of letting it pile up on the bed, and I made my bed and also the bed in the guest room, which is where I'm sleeping now because I saw a bug near my bed several days ago and got scared (I am very scared of them lol). I also like the bed in the guest room better since it's bigger and it allows me to separate my work and rest area since my desk is in my bedroom (however, I'm finding myself doing work in the guest room too). I also cleared out the floor a bit and plan to vacuum tomorrow. It felt good to tidy up and just live in a slightly cleaner environment, and I'm proud that I did even though it's a small accomplishment. I plan to organize and clean my desk area tomorrow too since it's kinda a mess right now. I definitely need to do some deep cleaning in my bed and bathroom, but I will probably do that when AP testing is done.

AP testing is coming up really soon, and I'm feeling really scared and stressed about them. I'm in 4 AP classes: English Language and Composition, Physics I, US History, and 2D Art and Design. The first test is less than 2 weeks away. Because of the covid-19 pandemic and quarantine, obviously school is canceled, which then leads regular AP exams to be canceled since we're unable to take them at school. Because of this, all exams will now be online and be shorter than the original ones. They're only free response questions now so it's harder to cheat, which is making me nervous because I always did poorly on free response. I had originally planned to do well on multiple choice so that if I didn't do so great of free response, I could still pass with a relatively good score, but since the multiple choice section is no longer a part of any AP exam, I can't really do that anymore. Basically, since it's just one or two free response questions, there's less to balance out if I do poorly on one part. If I'm given a question that I don't know how to answer or throws me off, I'm basically screwed. If I fail, it would be soul crushing since the time taking the class and money spent on taking the test will have been a waste and I'm someone who everyone expects to do well on the tests. However, if I do pass with just a 3 out of 5, that would still be disappointing since everyone expects better, and if I want to go to a really good college, they won't accept the credit and it will also be a waste. I feel extremely unprepared for all the tests I'm taking and I regret not putting more effort into schoolwork and preparation during the school year. I honestly feel tempted to cheat, but I know there's not enough time in the time limit to do so, and I don't know anyone who would want to help me, and also cheating is bad and unfair, so I obviously won't do it. I've always been scared of failure and being a disappointment.

Out of the AP tests I'm taking, the art one is relatively the same. For art classes, there isn't like a test over art, but rather a portfolio that includes pieces you've worked on during the school year that you have to submit. The deadline was extended from its original date, the number of required pieces has been reduced, and for the selected works section, you no longer physically mail it in (it's digitally submitted along with the sustained investigation section, which was originally submitted digitally, so that hasn't changed). I only need 10 pieces for my sustained investigation, and already have most of them. My original theme and ideas for the portfolio have definitely changed and gotten a bit lost over time. I plan to create at least 2 more pieces, one which I started today. I technically have 10 pieces I could submit but some I don't like very much and are just back-up pieces in case I don't finish the 2 additional pieces or if those 2 turn out bad. I got the sketch done of the one I'm currently working on, which is nice, but I still need to figure out what I want to do with the background, what color scheme to use, and how exactly I want to color it. I feel a bit excited to work on this piece, but in general, I honestly don't feel super motivated with art anymore. I don't want to pursue it as a career anymore, and I know I'm not as good as an artist as everyone makes me out to be. I feel like a fraud and that I haven't really found my niche or purpose as an artist. I still want to create art and improve and expand my skill levels, but it doesn't feel like enough if I'm not able to sell art or win recognition for it. I guess I just want some kind of physical reward for the hard work and effort I put into it. I know this isn't the healthiest way to create art, so I'm also trying to just create art for me and my personal improvement instead of for seeking recognition and likes on Instagram and what not.

Anyways, it's already been like an hour, jeez. I hear the birds chirping outside now. Overall, it's been a generally productive day, but I hope I can accomplish even more tomorrow and the rest of the week. I'm going to try my best to prepare for my tests and work on my art no matter how repulsed I feel at doing school work and studying! :) Also don't feel like proofreading, so my bad for any typos and such. Also also, I did not mean to write this much haha, but I guess it's good to express my thoughts and feelings.

Written by ducknut

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Comments
JustMegawatt
Posted On May 06, 2020

Glad you had a productive day today, good luck on the tests! From experience, AP tests are really hard, make sure you're prepared for them. Staying up for a long time to reset your sleep schedule is a good way to reset it, but in your case you'd have to stay up 24+ hours which can be really hard.

ducknut
Posted On May 08, 2020

@JustMegawatt Thanks! I'm going to try my best to prepare for them :) Aiming for at least a 4, hopefully a 5. I've been unsuccessful in staying up for that long, but I'm hoping to go to bed earlier today (still technically not early, but earlier, so it's progress lol).

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