Went to GMU, Fasting Day 2

10:04 PM

I am about a week behind in my journal entries. A quick summary of the past week though was I would wake up, do some Vegpal stuff, stress out about taxes, maybe go to the recreational center and jog for over an hour and walk for 30-50 minutes and do some strength workouts. I come back home, work on more stuff, and then the day just ends. That's basically my entire past week. It's been extremely repetitive.

Yesterday though, AJN, actually on Thursday, she texted me that she wanted to fast again. She's in Puerto Rico though, and I am in Virginia, so we arranged a virtual group fast. We'd start on April 1st and then end on April 11th when I would go to Mexico for a trip with my parents. I am doing this to lose weight, I am not sure what she's doing it for.

I don't know why I never did this before, but the past week I have been going into the bathroom and just taking my clothes off and looking at myself in the mirror every morning and looking for any body change progress. I also looked up images of "attractive man" on my phone and they are all thin and muscular and very good looking. Women complain about high beauty standards men place on them, but man how am I supposed to compete with anyone in the results of an "attractive man" image search. After knowing what my body should look like to be an "attractive man", I concluded I am so fat. I have so much fat everywhere, it's disgusting. I just want to be a thin person, at 150 pounds. I am around 190 pounds right now.

Oh yeah, I am actually supposed to be in Boston right now, but I felt like I was too fat to meet up with Lia and stay with her for a bit, so I cancelled my flight. I need to write the journal entry of that day, it was kinda depressing and eventful. I feel like I'm too fat to meet up with anyone unless I'm forced to, and I am actually thinner now than any time last year, I just never realized how obese and fat and overweight I was until I had a model to compare to, so it was never super urgent to lose weight last year. I mean yeah I did want to lose weight, but it wasn't the most important thing, actually maybe it was, but still I didn't concern myself with it that much. Now it's like full on priority, I have to do this.

I texted Lia this morning that my priorities were to catch up on my journal entries, work on my taxes, and then work on Vegpal stuff, in that order. We discussed yesterday that she should be kept in the loop for what I'm doing, because she's keeping track of what I am getting done, and sometimes it's not much. It's my fault that I'm not getting anything done. Anyway, I do like that she asked me that, she's just staying on top of her business and wants things completed asap. So I texted her that, and that was true those were my priorities. It's just entirely my fault I did not work on them.

Even though I had my priorities set for the day, I let coin flips decide what I should do today. Wasn't that a stupid thing to do? I asked it first if I should go walk outside, it landed on tails. I asked if I should go to the recreational center this morning, it landed on tails. Tails means no. I then randomly thought about GMU, the first university I attended when I was 18, and it landed on heads. So my dad and I go to GMU, and it's quite a drive. It's like 30 minutes from where I live. Actually, that's not too bad. It takes 30 minutes minimum to basically get anywhere in Puerto Rico, so 30 minutes to get to another place here is not too bad, but the drive was quite far.

So we go there and park. My dad is wearing a vegan shirt that says "Animals are not products, go vegan" with pictures of cows, pigs, chickens, and I highly respect that. I would wear shirts like that out in public too, but I think I am too fat for that. We park in visitor parking and it's an $8 flat rate to park there on the weekend. We walk around and it's a bit chilly outside, I thought it was the perfect weather, I love this kind of cold and chilly weather with cool winds. I don't know what temperature it was, but it's enough for everyone else to wear a jacket, I could wear just shorts and a shirt in this. It was quite breezy though.

We head over to my dormitory building and take some pictures outside of it. I don't have any nostalgia for this place. I attended this place in Fall 2012 and Spring 2013, and dropped out after Spring 2013 when my student loans went up to like $36k or something after just that one year. Oh man, memories come flooding in of those years. The feels. I was such a newbie to the world. Anyway a few years pass by and I visit this place again in 2015, and I have so much nostalgic memories of it. I felt so nostalgic back then, everywhere I went I felt a lot of nostalgia. Today, I visited the places I used to visit often, and they didn't bring any nostalgia or any feelings from me. It was like I was visiting an entirely foreign place. It felt like a foreign place but I just knew where everything was and had memories of everything.

I used to climb to the roofs of a lot of these buildings. During the weekend the campus would be empty, and I lived on campus, so when I was bored I would literally just go around the whole campus and enter buildings and try to enter the stairwells in each building to get to the roof. I got to the roof of a few buildings, and that was fun. They had free psychiatry evaluations there done by psych student majors, and when I signed up for one, and I told her about me climbing the roofs, she thought I was depressed and suicidal, even though I did that because I wanted to explore. So I didn't go to a student psychiatrist because I was depressed, but I went to one because I wanted to try it out, and she concluded something I didn't think was true.

One thing I noticed was a bunch of electric scooters all around campus. There were also these delivery food bots on campus. I am not sure how they work, is it all automated, or does someone control it? The reason I'm not sure is because their movement is kinda erratic, at least this one bot's I saw that was stopping and going and stopping and going.

I passed by some students and I just put myself in their shoes. Almost 10 years ago I was so uncertain of the world and everything. 2012 felt like the present and the future, like I was 18 and every opportunity open to me. I wanted to succeed in life, but I didn't know how. Everything was so difficult back then, I was just so clueless. Obviously now I feel like the world is more of an open book, I realize and know how to succeed, how to do well in life, and so on. I've learned these things through personal experience, through reading books, through teaching, through talking to people, and realized things are not so difficult when you have the knowledge. Still' the actions have to be put in place, but that's just all self-discipline at that point, which I don't have, or maybe I shouldn't say I don't have that because that becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. I have selective self-discipline that can be disregarded in an instant, how about that?

All the people I went to school with are no longer attending that university. I can pretty much guarantee none of anybody in my 2016 graduation class are still there, or at least, like 99.99% of them are gone, there might be one or two people still there, maybe working or grad school or something. I searched some of them up a few years ago, and it's the same story with everyone. Everyone advanced in their careers and so on, it's the same story everywhere.

I feel like everyone is much more mature and much more serious about everything than I am. No one lives with their parents anymore, everyone has moved out. Here I am living with my parents and it's a totally normal thing to me. I don't depend on them though, they depend on me, I pay for their mortgage every month. I feel like other people have a much harder time than me, living on their own, paying their bills on their own. I mean I do that too, but I'm just not as responsible I would say.

When am I gonna "grow up"? I don't know. I live my life so unconventionally where I have full freedom of everything. I just looked up some of my former classmates in university and I feel like they're shackled by society. They have to present themselves well, be professional, and so on. The first full time job I got, you could wear shirts and jeans to work and you can come in at any time and leave at any time. My next job at the next company, it was way different, I had to wear business casual and I had set hours where I had to be in the office, and the environment was pretty crappy to say the least, it was this damp and boring cubicle office with weak lights and it was not great, but I learned a lot of discipline there, and I still lived with my parents.

We take pictures in random places, and then we go back home. At home I message Wahl again, and then my parents and I go to Wal-Mart. We come back home, I am supposed to be fasting, but I gave in and ate a bit. I won't count that though, and I won't even tell AJN I ate anything. As far as she's concerned, my fasting is still ongoing. The reason I ate was because I coin flipped and it told me to eat today, and it also told me not to tell AJN I ate today, so I'll keep that my little secret. She doesn't read this journal so she won't know, but yeah I ate a bit tonight even though we agreed to fast.

So I don't know how to feel. I feel alone. But I'm alright. Anyway that was my day today.