Cleaned up home, recovery day

4:46 AM (of Tuesday, June 14th 2022)

Today is Monday, June 13th 2022 and it was a recovery day for me. I over indulged myself again yesterday (Sunday) and realized how messed up I was. Yeah I hate these rollercoaster days where one day I am disciplined and then the next I am doing activities of pure self-gratification only.

So I cleaned up my home today. Growing up, my parents always kept our home nice and tidy, they would dust everything once a week, wash dishes a few times a day, vacuum every week, and so on. But yeah here, I lived alone, and all of this was my responsibility to keep clean. Because I would have days of self-gratification only, I could not be bothered to throw trash away or whatever on those days. So I would lie around on the floor and eat some junk food and then like toss the bag or whatever just on the ground next to me and just leave it there. It's so disgusting, and at least I am aware of how disgusting it is, so I can change. Realization of how messed up we are allows us to change.

So there has been a lot of trash that has piled up around me, well I exaggerate, it's not that much, just two plates and a glass and two bags of chips and some other wrappers, and some empty plastic cups. It's not such a crazy amount, and I placed it all on one corner basically, so I wasn't surrounded by it. I would see ants crawling on these and I wouldn't even care. Well when they get too unruly, I would blow them away first with my breath and then they would all start to scatter and then once they're all gone, I'd throw whatever it was they were on top into the trash.

It is still quite disgusting though. Also I haven't thrown the trash out in like 2-3 weeks, so there's been a lot of garbage that has piled up in the trash bin. I threw this out today too. I also put away my yoga mats that I use to sleep on the floor and I did laundry. I finally hung up my clothes today too. Usually I would just do the laundry and then put the clothes in the dryer, and then nothing after that. I would just grab any clothes I needed from the dryer itself. Well today, I cleaned out the dryer too and hung up or folded and put away my clothes.

I guess that's really it in terms of organizing. Other than that, throughout the day I worked and read news. I did work for both Vegpal and Stealth Launch.

Another thing I noticed with insects is that they would sometimes fall on their backs here. I don't know how or why, but I would see some flying insects on the ground here in my home, and they would just be struggling on their backs trying to get back up. I would just blow on them to flip them back over and let them out, but yeah that's quite fascinating.

I think I made a pretty good observation today that it takes realization of how we are messing up that allows us to change. People that drink and ruin their lives (alcoholics), or kill animals and eat their corpses (meat eaters), people that have their homes completely disorganized and cluttered with junk, people that are in huge debts from gambling, people that get obese from overeating, people that waste their lives playing video games, and so on, probably do not have any self-realization of anything wrong or negative they are doing. They are probably completely oblivious to their actions and so they keep doing them. I am not even close to saying I am perfect or anything, far from it, I actually notice all the bad actions and habits that I have and I do my best to change.

It can still be extremely difficult at times. I don't really know the solution to all this yet, as I have yet to find it myself. I am in complete control of my life and situation too, and yet I still do terrible activities that I regret completely. When will I stop and hold myself accountable?

I did do a bad activity today, and that was that I watched some anime. I started watching "Future Diary" again on Friday, and I view it as way different now than when I saw it the first time. When I first watched it, I thought the story was super dumb and all that, lots of plot holes. I watched the Japanese subtitle version though back then, so I had to read the subtitles to understand what was going on. Watching the English dub now, it's way better, I can actually watch the action and drama fully. I think my criticisms from back then would still be valid, but I see the show in a new light. One thing I didn't notice before was how much I liked Yuno's personality and how romantic she was.

I like Yuno's personality for a partner a lot, she is super dedicated to her partner and would give up the world for him, and she calls him nicknames like "my love" and "sweetie" all the time. There's some great romantic quotes from her too like "you're the center of my universe" and I don't remember it fully, but something like "oh pookie I'm the only person you'll ever need." I have to admit though that her appearance and voice and relation to the person also plays a huge role in me liking them. I guess it's shallow honestly, but if it were someone I was not attracted to said those things to me, I would be creeped out.

I read somewhere that both men and women can't help who they are attracted to, if someone is attractive to one person, they are generally attractive to everyone else. If someone attractive treated me like how Yuno does Yuki, I would feel very into her, and probably reciprocate those feelings. She would be the ideal partner for me, omg. But yeah if they weren't attractive, that's a different story, I would not be as into it. It is a shame of how shallow that is, but what can I do? It's like me not wanting to be in a relationship with other guys. If Wahl were like that, I would be super into her. But I don't think any woman in the world is like that though, Yuno is obsessed and I have never had any experience with women who were obsessed with me like that. I've read stories for sure about that, from the women's perspective.

Like how she would do everything for the guy. I've read stories of women doing all the chores, all the work, yes even being the breadwinner, and living with an unemployed guy who just sits around doing nothing all day, from the women's perspective, and the women still love their men, despite all the flaws and how being with the guy is unbearable even according to them. Where are the women like this? Fantasy land? I've never experienced this kind of relationship in my life, although I never really lived with any woman like that in my life before either. Although of course I won't be a lazy guy that just sits around doing nothing all day, I dream for a relationship like this. I know I can love and support a woman a lot and stick with them through thick and thin, I can't trust they would love me the same way through thick and thin.

Anyway that was my day today.