June 18, 2022

Awesome Saturday and Oneitis for Wahl

11:11 PM

Oh wow I am typing this up at 11:11 PM! I didn't know 11:11 was actually a "thing" back when I noticed it for the first time back in 2011 when I was in 11th grade. Yeah, I am not even making that up. That's when I first noticed 11:11. There was also a time back in 2011 when it was 11:11 11/11/11, but I noticed 11:11 much earlier than that I think.

Back in 2011, when I noticed 11:11 for the first time, I remember watching Full Metal Alchemist: Brotherhood on my Xbox 360 on a USB stick. And by noticing for the first time, I mean, like looking at the time and seeing 11:11 and then thinking about it, how interesting it was. It's the only 4 repeating digits in 12 hour time, in 24 hours time though you can say 22:22 is also a thing, maybe 00:00 too. I used to think 11:11 was bad luck back then, or not bad luck, but not a positive thing? I don't know, I just didn't have any positive connotation with it until I met AJN last year and she texts me every now and then when the time is 11:11, even today. I still don't really know what it's supposed to mean, it's supposed to be like a gate or something, but I just view it as a cool thing that can happen.

Another time that is significant to me is 9:17, because that's my birthday, September 17th. Before I noticed 11:11, I noticed 9:17, and back in 11th grade I would be like, any thoughts I have at this time would be significant and insightful, or something like that. I remember it turning 9:17 and then I would just be like let me think a bunch of random thoughts and then a bunch of random thoughts and ideas and other things would come up. I doubt any of those thoughts were significant or whatever, I certainly don't any today.

I still have journal entries from back then, and I kind of want to cry when I think back on those memories. That was the time of my life, sort of. Actually those memories weren't so great, but they were quite fun and I can never go back in time to experience those events ever again. Everything in our life is just a one time go around.

I got my Xbox 360 probably back in early 2006, and those were the days. It's kinda weird, the Xbox 360 used to be the "newest" and "greatest" thing at the time and I remember it so vividly that it felt like the "future" back in the day, whereas 2006 is like long ago history now and the Xbox 360 old. I used to download anime and then place it on a USB, and then plug it into the Xbox 360, and then watch anime on the TV from there. Laptops were not so powerful back then, at least none of mine were, that they had an HDMI cable to plug into the TV. Anyway, that's how I used to watch anime on the TV, either that or On-Demand TV.

I remember as well watching that one episode in FMA: Brotherhood back when I was in 11th grade, how the brothers got stuck on an island and they had to kill a rabbit for food and were very sad about it. They then justified that this was fine because that was the "circle of life", and in 11th grade I was still eating meat, but I heard their argument and thought it was really really stupid. I guess in a survival situation like they were in, you do what you can to survive, but I bet a lot of people saw that episode and were like "wow this makes it okay to kill and eat animals in real life even though vegan options are available everywhere and we humans don't even need meat to live and be healthy but this episode makes it okay" or some other stupid thought like that.

11:42 PM

Apparently I got a text from AJN at 11:11 as I was writing at 11:11. She's coming over again tomorrow and staying for a few days so we can fast, and then I'll be sending Wahl a new photo of myself once I lose some weight. That's the plan.

So today has been an excellent day. Time went by extremely slowly today. i was a bit hungry in the morning, and all I bought were fruits. I bought 3 mangoes, 5 or 6 bananas, and 2 containers of strawberries, those standard plastic containers. The total cost for everything was under $10, which is ridiculously cheap right, for all this. This is all that I ate for the day today. It was a fully raw day today.

Anyway back to Wahl. I think I am pretty much infatuated with her. I have oneitis on her. Here's the definition for oneitis according to an Urban Dictionary entry from December 1st 2004:

"Often confused with love, this is the feeling that a particular woman is actually special. This is just an illusion; she is the same as the other three or so billion. "Go fuck ten other women" is the most commonly prescribed treatment for this "disease" (hence the "itis"), as it tends to show quite quickly how very alike people are.

In other words, get over yourself and your obsession with that girl, because it's just an illusion. And when you get rejected, don't be depressed. Because there's really not much to worry about."

That's a very fucked up description, because every person is special. I put a thumbs down vote on this definition. Everyone has different attributes and qualities. Of course people can have both positive and negative attributes and qualities, and some people may have more negative than positive. For the people I had oneitis on, in my opinion they just had so many positives that I couldn't even see any negative with them. Here's another description:

"The dreaded "One-Itis," otherwise known as the ailment of liking that "One Special Girl" and wanting her more than any other woman on earth. A want so intense, that it's actually painful."

I like that definition more. It is certainly what I have and have had in the past. Here's probably the most realistic one:

"There is only one simple explanation for the term: An unhealthy romantic obsession or fixation for/on one person. This mental disease will often interfere with your ability to attract said person, due to your clingyness."

I hope I don't appear clingy and scare off Wahl or something. I'd be depressed. But maybe I will scare her off, and oh well if that happens. If it was a thing and it didn't work out, I will just move on, but I do truly like her.

I do really like Wahl though and I am truly infatuated with her. It's a good feeling! I have had one-itis with a bunch of women in the past, none of them ever worked out. Well, there's five times I've had oneitis. Maybe six. I got into a relationship with two (those failed), and the other four weren't even viable, one was already in a relationship when I had one-itis on her, and the others didn't reciprocate those feelings back, or in fact, any feelings of attraction back. Somehow I was still infatuated with them and couldn't help myself messaging and talking to them frequently and really just falling head over heels for them with every interaction.

My standards for oneitis have been rising a lot. Like it's really unfortunate. I would love to have oneitis and just be obsessed with anyone I went out with, but it's not possible... There was not anyone in high school I had oneitis on. No one in college either. I don't think I had any oneitis until late 2014 or early 2015. I am not even going into any detail on who this first person was, but I was very into her, but she was in a relationship already. Still I flirted with her, or tried to, I was really young and fat and amateurish at the time, she probably didn't even think that was flirting but just creepy or weird, but I did what I could at the time I guess. Lots of stories in that, but I'm not getting into any of them. They seem very embarrassing today.

Second person I got oneitis on was a young (she was 19 and I was 21) English major in Florida who I met on Facebook and we would chat a bunch almost every day or something. I am not into her now, but I would say my infatuation with her lasted a long freaking time, especially because she blocked me for a while and she remained on my mind the whole time because of that. I was super infatuated with her because of so many things. Well, I don't want to go into that. But let's just say a lot of those qualities are also in Wahl today, and I like Wahl a lot more, like a lot a lot more than this person. She ended up unblocking me after a while and we chat again for a bit, and she updated me on her situation and she was in a mess, anyway I just deleted my Facebook after that.

So I still think about these two people every now and then. I have no idea what they are up to now. Who else did I have oneitis with? Over the years I did date some other people, but I don't think I had any oneitis with any of them. I did hurt some women, some of them actually liked me a lot, but I just didn't feel the same way about them. I wonder why not? They were cool, but I wasn't super into them. Some of them sent me endearing messages and I just didn't feel the same way and I quietly stopped contacting them. I guess I didn't even realize it at the time, but that's ghosting. Well, guys are supposed to be the ones asking for a second date and all, and most of the time back then, I didn't. So is that ghosting? That's what I did. Some of them randomly added me on Facebook again though, interesting they still remember me, that's cool I guess, they seem fine!

Skip a few years until 2021 was when I started talking to women and seeking a relationship again. I had a long break for several years. I had oneitis with Aloe for sure last year, I was obsessed with her for a long time. Lots of red flags, and I just avoided them all, and we dated, and it was terrible, I also don't want to talk about it. We keep in touch today sometimes and I can still message her and ask her out, but I have lost all my attraction for Aloe basically, she changed a lot as a person and I am not into how she is now. I also had oneitis with Lia for a while, but she did not like me back, so that quickly faded too. I would still be down to date Lia though and get my oneitis with her back, but I pretty much no longer have any attraction to her even though I talk to her almost daily today, we are just platonic friends at most now.

Before I met Lia though, I was already talking to Wahl. I've been talking to her since early January this year. My oneitis with her did not really start until maybe last month. Like I have always known she was incredibly fit and attractive since we first talked to each other. But I didn't think I would actually have a chance with her. It wasn't until I started sending her romantic messages like "When we meet I hope we like each other enough to form a relationship" and she didn't shoot me down, and I was like, whoa, I am really into her. The more I learn about her too, of her past, her history, all the things she's been through, the more I am into her.

That's a similar thing with the second person I had oneitis with. I still honestly think about her to this day even though it's been like 5 years since we last had any interaction. It's because I knew a lot about her and her past and history and all that. I like Wahl's story a lot too, like, I am so very infatuated with her because she has a deep history with so much. I love that, I love knowing about a person. Well, she's also very physically attractive, that also plays a major role. Honestly I think I'd rank Wahl as the #1 most attractive person I have ever spoken to in my entire life. Yeah, I'd place her at rank #1. Of course this is all subjective, I know a bit of her story and history, and that makes her infinitely more attractive too, not just her body which is already super attractive but just knowing other things about her is also a huge plus.

I'm so sleepy or I would write a lot more. This is a problem. There's still so much to write about, but I am having trouble keeping my eyes open. In the morning, I am way too energized to sit around and type on a computer. But at nigh time, I could be too tired to do that. Anyway yeah, I am yawning like crazy and I am having a hard time keeping awake. I'm gonna continue this tomorrow morning. I am incredibly infatuated with Wahl right now.

6:32 AM (of Sunday, June 19th 2022)

Okay where was I going with this? I know there was still a lot I wanted to write about, but I don't remember now.

I would pretty much be willing to give up my world and everything for Wahl or whoever I have oneitis for at the time. I am that infatuated with her. I really hope it works out, but I am not the one with so much power. She has to feel the same way about me, and I have to be quite fit and all that.

The thing is, I don't know who I would have oneitis for after Wahl. I like her personal history, story, and her body pretty much more than any other woman I've met in my life. It's going to be really hard to feel attraction for anyone again like that, if this fails. So what am I gonna do if this doesn't work out? Of course I would just continue on with my life, but I think life would be much more boring and depressing. I would shed many tears, feel many broken heartaches, feel melancholy and think about how I could have done better or whatever. I'm so sorry...

So what else happened today? I ate raw the whole day today like I already said. Wahl posted a story yesterday and I viewed it today, and I sent her a message regarding that story, and she read it, marked it as "seen" but didn't reply. I drafted up some romantic message, as romantic as I could make it anyway, and sent it to AJN who edited it a little and help me draft up two messages to send that she said were super romantic and she would fall for anyone that sent her those things. So okay I sent these to her after like 30 minutes since she saw my other messages, and then left it at that. As of 6:44 AM the next day I still haven't checked if she's seen it or not, it's been over 12 hours since, but I don't think she gets online much to be honest. I hope she reads it and likes it and we date and all that.

So AJN also yelled at me a little saying I haven't lost anymore weight and if I am even trying. So she is coming over again tomorrow (Sunday) and we are going to fast until Wednesday. On Wednesday, we're gonna go out and take some new pictures somewhere, and then pick the most attractive one, and send that to Wahl. Last resort if she doesn't respond back or whatever, is that AJN said she would message her herself and vouch for me and all that. What an awesome friend.

The rest of the day, I danced, or walked around, or wasted time, and I worked on Vegpal a lot. I am working on the Feed page and it seems to be working out okay. I am loving working on this stuff, it's so much fun. But at the same time, I only work on this stuff because I have nothing else to do. I tried watching some anime today, but they all felt boring and lifeless, such a huge waste of time. Anyway I got some pretty significant stuff done on the feed page, and I only got stuck on the "like" button for a post. Ugh. I finished most of the function for it, but I'm running into an issue on how to make it display a red heart once a person likes a post, like how do I make that widget update in real time and all that, and I use an async function too and I'm running into issues trying to get that to be an "if" condition that shows a hollow or red heart based on conditions. I don't know. Maybe I need to convert it into a stateful widget and use FutureBuilder?

I felt extremely lonely the whole day today. I had some talks with my parents today too though. They told me to buy some bonds.

Don was not active much today. He said he spent most of the day just listening to music, that's pretty cool and relaxing.

Anyway that was my day today.

Written by JustMegawatt

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