Why am I doing this?

Note: I wrote a very long entry that was lost when I tried to add a photograph for the cover. So this is going to be a different entry so that I can break up my thoughts and hopefully not lose them. I do that enough in real life.

The first thing you should know about me is that I live with a large number of both physical and mental ailments. I do my best to try to live my life but my ailments make simple things difficult.

For example, today I am nearly trying to weed a small patch on the farm. But I have fibromyalgia and narcolepsy. Of the many things I have these are the two that are bothering me the most right now. While my spouse woke up at 5:00 and was out working by 7:00, I slept until 10:00 and did not get out until almost 11:30.

I assigned myself the task of meeting a selection of rose by the barn. Some of the plants are further along down there but many of our zucchini and lemon cucumbers are still very small. So I pulled the large thorny weeds and I thinned the plants so that the vines that grow will not be choked out. I only got about an hour's work done before I had to stop and take a break. I sat under my UV shade umbrella drinking water and messaging people that had been trying to get a hold of me all morning. I sat there for probably an additional hour. Eventually my spouse called me over to come sit in the shade and visit with him. He has been working all day very hard and deserves a break. I feel like hi very much want a break because I'm tired but I don't deserve one because I've done almost nothing.

I used to have medication that would help with my narcolepsy, but my insurance has decided they don't want to pay for it anymore and I can't afford it. So I sleep a solid 12 hours at night and I will probably have a blackout nap once or twice a day, last thing about 2 hours each. The worst days I'll have these blackout naps and be awake about an hour in between them before my next blackout app. I've lost entire days this way recently. And it's not a matter of being lazy. If I get up and try to walk around while having this experience I will collapse and sleep wherever I have fallen. I know this because I've done it. It's the feeling you get after you have surgery, and they're trying to tell you you need to wake up for them so they can check all your vitals and talk to you, you can hear them and you're kind of aware of what's going on with your body, the medication they put you to sleep with for surgery hasn't worn off all the way yet so you can't wake up yet. At least those are my experiences after surgery. And that feeling after surgery of not being able to wake up but being semi aware of everything, trying to wake up for them when they're calling my name, that's what my narcolepsy spells feel like.

So I would be fine given that I get disability and I don't work away from the house. Except I live with my spouse on his family farm. And they can't afford the tractors to do all the work for them so we do it all by hand. In addition it is a nose spray organic farm. That means that everything is done by hand. Planting seeds, transplanting from seed trays into the ground, watering, feeding, and never ending weeding. All by hand. He and his family make their living selling produce at the Farmers market. So when I first came here I promised I would help. And I have failed to hold up my end of the bargain.

But I want to so bad... But I fail every day. Today, I am probably done, even if I felt up to the job, it's now too hot. So now I'm sitting, eating, and on my phone... Again.