The blasted monkey wrench

I working my ass off to create schedules and to do lists that I can follow. No one seems to grasp the urgency of of the need to just create a daily routine to follow, let alone actually following said routine! Dealing with a autoimmunity, migraines, and the contradictive likelihood of me having both autism and ADHD. The two are always fighting with each other inside me, I feel it intensely. So when family steps in and needs me to be doing things and dropping everything, I’m doing, not following any set schedule of any kind, it messes me up for days after! I can feel the chaos in my head building. It’s why lockdown settings have worked so well for me in the past. Going to a rehab and not being allowed use of my phone or communications with family meant that I was given the opportunity to just do what they were asking me to do. And my mind settles down and I have clarity in my mind and soul. I have not ever successfully done this living on my own because of the constant and nonstop. Disregard for my own personal time and space. Not to mention, my family doesn’t believe that I have a neurological, developmental disability. They have no interest in educating themselves claiming “I’m not interested in this subject” and will dismiss me and shut me down, so I feel like I have no voice, and that nobody cares about what my special interests are (one of which is understanding the mind, neurology, consciousness) and it’s an area. I happen to have natural gifts with. I have no one to talk to about it because they have no interest. But when they need to talk about the bullshit, small talk and constant complaints about jobs and car rides, miss behaved, kids, and someone, I have to diligently listen to them. I don’t give a fuck about your gardens, and flowers, and the people that you want to talk about behind their back. Just not the lifestyle I live in your way, is constantly stopping me from living a healthy life so I’ve had to pull back, this whole process has been a bit soul crushing!

I did, however, accomplish getting this bookshelf, organized! At least my idea of organized! Lol so, even when I am feeling broken inside, I’m making sure to fix one more little thing on the outside, and then adding a little extra in the self care department. Maybe another meditation, an extra walk, connecting with one of my friends or sponsor. I really am trying very hard here.