AvenegSllim's profile

Morning checkins and thoughts

August 12th 2023 6:45am Morning checkin: Today is teddys birthday party! Mayah and i will shop before we go, wrap and such. While we’re shopping for tedster we can grab the melons we need for tomorrows adventure at Grammys house with Kayne and Charlie! I’m so excited to see one of my boys. I miss th...

Wednesday work day

My mornings are when allllll tasks, creative, chores or otherwise, gets complete. I struggle to make it through a whole “on the go” and have to plan around this. Constantly. Even my closest friend doesn’t truly understand me. She says she does. She claims she goes through the same thing. All while w...

Go to bed Geneva

Add to tonight’s journal: I complete most things I’ve committed to. Eating in the morning is an issue. Others NOT being ready or assuming things have changed when they have not sends me into a tail spin. It seriously messes up the rest of my day. When I’m already feeling like I’m a whorling dervish...

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Captains log: day 2… starting again

Logging about a new job with complications. I’ve been in “notice” mode. Just notice things. No judgment. No criticism. Just notice. The last three jobs I’ve had, I’ve had to quit due to it triggering autoimmunity and migraines (my doc thinks) not sure about the migrain condition yet but my head! Oy!! And affects my entire body. The harder I work, the longer my recovery time, and the more sever the symptoms with each passing day. I worked one day for about 5 hours. I got home and sat for a moment so I could simply pull myself into my body and “notice”. It was my whooshing head that surfaced first, then the neck and face pain, my body felt lethargic and jello like. Mind you, I exercise every day, so I know this is NOT about my physical capacity. No! Im not going to adjust or get used to it, as I’m often told. This has been happening for the last five years or so. The more I push through, the grit my teeth and bare it, the worse I get. My intestines flair up, my joints stop working, my mobility diminishes and my mind just buzzes. And then…. I get sick and am down for weeks. This is the pattern. I feel so so alone with this because everyone I’m around believes I’m just being “sensitive” but these body changes are well documented with actual medical imagining that proves that “something” is happening. It’s the head pain that crushes me worst of all. It makes it impossible to be around other humans. I had finally relieved these migrains but it meant NOT working at all yet. When my focus can be on the home and child raising tasks, It was perfect. I began healing and felt it. I then Got bombarded with medical and psych for myself and daughter. I would be ok if I was aloud to just get through all the appointments and find methods that work for me. Instead, I took on a physically, demanding job that adds to the problem. When I lived with others, and shared household tasks, even then, I couldn’t handle both working and helping to manage her household. I’m reaching the point of throwing in the towel on this all. I need the money, yes. But my quality of life goes down the tubes because I’m no heard and am forced to take on way more than I’m neurologically capable of handling. I really feel strongly that the neurological aspects are triggering the physical conditions. Just soo frustrating. And of course, when you’re talking about auto immune diseases. The harder you push, the worse off you are. So a 15 minute walk can put me in bed instead of rejuvenating me I can tell you, I often feel heartbroken because I’ve just been accused of being lazy and lying about what I’m going through. I’ve just stopped talking about it with anybody that matters. I literally have one single friend who understands and then, of course, my daughter does because she’s got her own chronic pain condition that she has suffered with for three years now😒 how am I going to offer her solutions if I cannot figure out what is wrong or how to fix it with me. My only goal in this life is to pass along a solution for my children. I’m so sick of being told how selfish I am when everything I’ve ever done has only been done to offer answers to my family members. Seriously, as a child I remember being asked “what is wrong with you“ all the time and now that I am constantly searching, I am reminded about how selfish I am. Honestly, I just can’t anymore.

Captains log: day 8

My physical body is exhausted. I’ve slowed down a bit but have made a commitment to myself that I declutter at least one bag, shelf, table top each day and continue doing daily maintenance cleaning.. even while sickly, life can be accomplished, and still moving in a forward motion! Very very grateful for this realization. The illnesses don’t feel so heavy when I know I can still accomplish tasks.

Captains log: day 5

Logging complications and confusion’s: not feeling extremely motivated about this table of mine. I’ve created a “project” with EASYYY dailies and I’m fighting it. I want it done faster. My ego hates time.