Revamp schedule for the week

My goals change constantly. I’m starting a partime job. Mondays and Tuesday 10am-2pm. It means changing those two days and all tasks within it. The importance of adding “refueling” tasks is vital for me. Being in “engage” mode for multiple hours a day is exhausting, It’s really important I don’t ignore my body and force myself through because it causes total shutdown. In total shutdown mode, I can do exactly NOTHING! My brain shuts down completely and often lasts months at a time. Absolute burnout. THIS is the exact issue I’m learning to increase capacity around. But it has to be slow. Like so dam slow. My mind wants to do so much more and often tries. But it’s exhausting. So so tired….. oy! O can’t forget, all good things in the end. I feel it in my bones.

on a side note: I am also working to come up with solutions to help my daughter and my other children, if they so choose to understand me and the work I’ve done and continue to do (my whole life really)

truth is: my obsessive search to understand me is for the sole purpose of helping my children. If I understand ME then just maybe I can understand YOU; in turn, helping you (and myself) seemingly selfish on first view, my actions have only ever been for the well-being of my babies. I’ve been told “it’s not all about you” my whole life but the truth is, if my life is NOT all about me, I will NEVER comprehend anything about anyone else, EVER! And THIS IS AUTISM. Though they will never believe this about me, I’m finally not giving a shit. It only been through the work I’m doing and autism specific strategies that I’ve learned that I’m finally making progress. So my people can think what they want, do what they want, but until you are seeing the world through my own eyes, you will never understand. Quite frankly, your lack of understanding of me is the very reason, you’re unable to communicate with me effectively. This is some thing I’m noticing and realizing to the extreme. My closest family members, meaning, mom, sister, and children who live in another state, don’t know me at all. For the most part, you’ve all kept your distance, limit the amount of words, I’m allowed to speak, and shove down any emotion that might come up for me while I am trying to talk. You can never know a person if you’re constantly trying to control the way in which they are communicating and the words they are using. Chronic interruption to correct people will never ever materialize into anything positive. I can promise you all that. I will say this, my suppression has been the thing that has made me a spectacular mother when it comes to listening, allowing space for them to be whomever they choose, never ever ever judging , and never vocalize it at the very least and criticism. I do NOT criticize my kids. I learned that from my upbringing as I’ve needed to be my own validator. I will not do that to my children. I validate them, 100% of the time every feeling is valid. Every thought is valid. Every action taken…is valid. Of course all of these things can be negative at times but it does not mean that none of it matters. It is all valid. It is only through our mistakes that we gain any positive lessons in the first place so we need our mistakes and faulty actions for growth.

i spent a glorious 4 1/2 hours in video chat with my beautiful son, Dillon, due to the fact that I didn’t have to criticize, judge, shame, any part of him. While also offering suggestions for positive transformation and tips on how to be present for other loved ones who may not see as clearly as we do. I wouldnt change a thing! I am deeply deeply blessed! We were being silly, my son, and I, in this photograph of him and his kitty🥰

The galaxy pic is a “cheerleading” letter of sorts, that I made for my daughter this morning. She is a rockstar and killing it out I. The world right now. I’m so proud of her! And inspired by her always🥰

edit to add this pic of my favorite human on earth! Well, really, I have three favorite humans. But the one pictured in this uploaded image is the human I get to see and talk to daily.