July 8, 2020

Life With Chronic Illnesses

One of the newer symptoms/side effects I've developed over the last few months is sudden onset fatigue after eating. Every single time, no matter how much or how little I eat. I'm really feeling it now after eating dinner.

It sucks because I can have all of these plans for the day and everything falls apart because I'm forced to eat, you know for survival and stuff. Actually, I've started to avoid eating during the day because I get so sleepy after that I can't do anything except take a nap.

So, I have a limited amount of hours during the day when I have the physical and mental energy to do anything. A bunch of my energy is spent in the evenings when I make dinner for the family and eating just instantly fatigues me.

Of course, today my daughter just drops my grandson into my room again without a word and leaves him for me to entertain. He immediately ran over and wanted me to hold him (which means he was tired and wanted to nap) and put DuckTales on. It's our thing, and I'm usually cool with it, but I had only been up for an hour and was trying to do some writing stuff. In fact, I was in the middle of a timed writing thing at 4thewords.com so I couldn't just stop (despite what everyone thinks about what I do all day).

I did manage to finish the writing thing without losing, but I also then had to entertain a 1yo instead of what I had planned to do. She came back for him but only for about a half hour before he was left in my room again because she had to work. I'm given no warning for these babysitting sessions. Nor am I paid because I'm expected to do it as a grandmother. Fine. I mean, that was the plan when she found out she was pregnant, but I didn't know I was never going to get a warning and would have to drop all of my plans every day to do it.

On top of that, she got made no one cleaned up his mess from dinner last night nevermind she never cleans up after him and even told her sister that she expects the person that watches him the next day to clean up any mess she left the night before. Huh? She complained to me about the mess except I wasn't the one that fed him last night, and I actually cleaned half of the high chair up while he was still in it, but I guess, they gave him more food after. She also got mad because she couldn't find her work pants she'd left in the dryer because her sister did some laundry. Nevermind, I had to wait two days to dry clothes I had washed (that I found on the laundry room floor) because she left clothes in the dryer all weekend.

Then, she had the nerve to take the one face mask I have for myself because hers are dirty. Why she didn't wash them with her other clothes, I don't know. I wash mine in hot, soapy water after each time I wear it then hang it to dry. I made three or four for her, two for each of her sisters and brother, and one for me. She couldn't find any of hers (she also has a few that other people have given her) and had already taken all of her sisters' masks leaving them with none when you are now required to wear a mask in public here. So of course, she had to take mine because she didn't have time to wash any of hers. She didn't ask... she just told me she was taking it. When I said something about she asked if I was going anywhere and if I wasn't then I didn't need it then left.

My husband gets home and offers to take me grocery shopping since we're out of everything. Can't. Because I don't have a freaking mask!

Sorry, that turned into a rant about my daughter and not about my chronic illness. The point I was originally trying to make was I have a limited amount of energy each day and I no longer get to use it to do things I want because I'm expected to just drop everything for everyone. Instead of brainstorming a writing idea this morning, I was babysitting. And now that there are other people home to watch the baby, I'm too tired because I finally got to eat today (dinner at 4pm was the first thing I ate). Now I just want to go to bed and I've done nothing all day.

It's depressing.

I had issues with this when my kids were younger as I was pretty much on my own all day with them, and even when my husband was home, I was expected to do everything because I didn't have a job. I was so looking forward to the youngest starting full time school so I could have time to myself each day. Except by the time he started kindergarten, the oldest had pretty much dropped out of school (at 15, getting her to go to school was a struggle and she only went once or twice a week). Then when the oldest had pretty much moved out, the middle daughter started doing online school and was always home. On top of that, my husband has missed full years of work because of injuries. And now school has been out since March and I have a grandson I'm expected to babysit until he starts school.

I just can't ever get any time alone to write or do anything I enjoy without being interrupted twenty-million times a day. So my very limited energy is spent on everyone else, leaving nothing for me.

Which is how today has gone. And yesterday and probably tomorrow.

On a positive note, I now have an appointment with a psychiatrist to get back on my mood stabilizers. It's not until Augusts 5th, though, because this doctor is only in the office once a week. Since I have this idiotic fear of phones/video calls, I'm stuck waiting for an available in-person appointment. I'm okay with that. At least it's something. My husband thinks that if I get to know here and feel more comfortable, I'll be able to do the video calls. I saw my other provider for seven years and never once called him for anything. Not even when I was having a manic episode or got suicidal. I don't do calls.

Well, this was a rambling mess of an oversharing entry which happens when my brain gets foggy. I can't keep on a train of thought. Ugh. And it's way too early to go to bed.

Written by justanotherjen

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