July 16, 2020

Just Another Day (With Chronic Illnesses)

After spending yesterday trying to recover from my son's birthday on Tuesday, I felt a little better today. I did end up having to cook dinner last night, too, so I guess I was doing better than I thought. I made pot roast in the Instant Pot with instant potatoes and veggies. Nothing really hard.

Today, my husband wanted me to make Salisbury steak. We bought about 7lbs of hamburger at Costco last week, and it desperately needed to be cooked or frozen--might as well cook something with it. I used this recipe: https://thesuburbansoapbox.com/best-salisbury-steak-recipe/ which I've tried before except last time I found out as I was mixing the meat up that my daughter used all of my Worcestershire sauce so it didn't turn out right (not enough flavor).

Of course, I had completely forgotten to buy more sauce the last four times I've been to the store, but my husband offered to run out and get some along with mushrooms and extra onion. While he was out, I prepped everything, froze the extra meat and started the scratch mashed potatoes (because we had potatoes that were about to go bad). I cooked the potatoes with some granulated garlic for funsies.

Since we just had pot roast the night before and there wasn't much meat left, I used the leftover gravy and broth I cooked the roast in to make the gravy for the Salisbury. Turned out amazing and had all the extra flavor from the roast last night. When I mashed the potatoes, I added more garlic, butter, milk and sour cream for extra creaminess. Served with green beans, corn and broccoli.

I had two helpings which is really bad since I'm supposed to be cutting back on food to lose weight. But it tasted so good, and in this house, there's no guarantee there will be leftovers tomorrow. If my 18yo had been home, there probably wouldn't have been anything left to put away, lol.

Besides, cooking dinner, I managed to make coffee this morning, emptied and loaded the dishwasher this morning, emptied the trashcans in my room and the kitchen and took some of the bags to the can by the curb (the 10yo did the rest) and then loaded the dishwasher again while I was cooking dinner.

That's a lot for me. I'm sure I'll pay for it tomorrow. Again. I'm thinking of taking a long hot bath just to soak away the aches from being on my feet so much the last few days. My back and feet are killing me. It's this weight. I'm up near 270lbs again. Most of my adult life, I've been right around 245lbs. Which is obese, but I carried it okay. Could still walk for miles with only minor aches in my knees and feetat the end of the day. Now, just walking around the house kills every inch of me.

A few years ago, we ran into a bit of financial trouble so we couldn't buy any food for almost two months. We used up everything in the house, and at the end of that, I was eating one meal every other day so the kids could at least have one bigger helping each day (the older kids were cutting back to one meal a day so the younger two could have two meals). And by "meal," I mean a portion like I would give my toddler grandson. I remember one day it was half a chicken breast (probably 2 ounces), A serving spoon of instant potatoes and a regular spoonful of peas (like literally a couple dozen peas). It was all I had eaten all day, and I hadn't eaten anything the day before, nor did I eat anything the next day. I was basically surviving on about 1500 calories a week (not per day... per WEEK). I lost 25lbs over the last two weeks of the ordeal before we finally got some more food.

Anyway, that left me down around 225lbs at the time. I hadn't been that low since after I had my first child in 2000. I felt great. I no longer woke up with my back hurting so much I couldn't move. I didn't hobble to the bathroom in the morning. I was running up and down the stairs. What a difference 25lbs made. I eventually, evened out at around 235lbs after resuming normal eating habits and still felt pretty good. But then the chronic fatigue set in and I stopped cleaning the house and going for walks or doing anything. Meanwhile the depression got worse so I started eating more to cope. And here I am at nearly 270lbs and miserable. But I can't seem to control the overeating because of the depression and anxiety. And I can't really exercise because of the fatigue. Ugh.

I mean, I know what I need to do to lose weight (portion control, no junk food, cut back on high fat/calorie meals, daily walks and probably some minor weightlifting to build muscle mass) but I don't have the energy or motivation to do it. If I could even get back down to 250lbs, I'd be so much better off.

I have my first appointment with the new shrink on August 5. Hopefully, she'll start me back on some meds (which have the potential for more weight gain of course) and maybe I'll feel a little better so I'm not constantly overeating. One trick I did learn during that bad time was to keep a big bottle of water near me and any time I was hungry or thinking about food, I would guzzle the water to try and trick my stomach into thinking it was full. It actually helps a little. Plus, I don't drink enough water during the day anyway. I've been trying to do that more, but I just can't seem to break through the depression and anxiety so I snack on junk (I crave carbs).

Okay, that went rambling off again.

TL;DR: Today was better. Did a few chores so I feel like I accomplished something. Now I'm going to try to watch Netflix and knit as a reward for being productive.

Written by justanotherjen

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