One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

That's what my life feels like with being chronically ill. I'll have on or maybe even two semi-good days then get slammed by reality the next. I got a lot done on my son's birthday (Tuesday), and despite that, I did okay on Wednesday. It wasn't super bad like I thought it would be. Then yesterday, I did okay, too. I managed to cook and do dishes and take out the trash. And I was still fairly alert all day. I even finished a knitting project while I watched Netflix last night. It felt good. I felt "good."

I went to bed thinking maybe I could convince my husband to take me to Walmart to pick up whatever yarn they might have to replenish my nearly depleted stash. Maybe we could even get up early and go for a walk along the river before it got too busy and hot. Of course, whenever I plan ahead or have hopes for the future, I'm bound to get slapped down by my illnesses.

I woke up after 10am (which is very late for me) feeling like crap. I've been dragging all day, barely able to keep my eyes open. There was something wrong with my coffee this morning. Or wrong with me I don't know but it tasted off so I couldn't drink it. I nearly cried because I have very little in life to look forward to and my morning coffee is one of them.

Without any caffeine in me, I felt worse than usual. I don't know how many times I broke down or nearly broke down into tears because I'm so frustrated with this life. Summer is half over and I haven't been outside to enjoy it at all. I'm not getting better. I don't think I'll ever get better. This will literally be the rest of my life--watching other people go out and have fun while I sit and stare at the walls and gain more weight and get more tired.

The exhaustion is so overwhelming. It's not like I'm a little tired and can push through it to get stuff done like when I was younger (and less ill). It's not like I can take a nap to feel refreshed and then do stuff. It doesn't work that way. Napping actually makes me feel worse usually. The fatigue is more in my head than my body most of the time. My thinking is slow and foggy. I feel like I'm wading through molasses or something. It's hard to put words to my thoughts or feelings because my brain is so scattered by the fatigue. And I can't push through it to do stuff. I feel like I could pass out from exhaustion at any moment despite having a full night's sleep. Like I said, I can't explain how it feels. I'm not sure anyone in the house really understands it.

I would sleep all day if it would make a difference, but it doesn't.

Anyway, now I'm even more depressed because I felt well enough last night to make plans only to wake up to feeling awful and unable to do anything. What kind of life is it when you can't have any hopes or dreams or even plans for tomorrow because you might not have the energy to complete even the simplest task?

And now I'm crying again.

I hate feeling like this.