July 20, 2020

Long Day With Chronic Illnesses

I'm so tired right now. My head is killing me. And my grandson won't stop crying because he's super tired. I have no idea what my daughter is doing. She had to clean her carpet and just left him with me. That was an entire movie ago. He won't lie down unless someone is holding him, but I need to get my journal done for the day with an hour left to do it.

It's been a long day.

I forced myself up at 9:30 and immediately heard my oldest daughter and youngest son screaming at each other downstairs again. They got into it last night over him playing on the computer all the time because she didn't get to do that at ten. But she had a TV, cable, a Wii, SNES, and a Nintendo. Oh, and she could go outside and play with her friends because there wasn't a worldwide pandemic.

His life is nothing like hers at ten. I'm fed up with her bossing him around like she's his mother. Same with my 17yo. Then the 14yo just bullies him around. She used to be his best friend until she became a teen and was too cool to hang out with him. And in the end, when the older kids were little, they had each other to play with because they were so close in age. Jack is all alone.

So, after I yelled at them both, he came upstairs and we watched some creepy Five Nights at Freddy's videos until lunch time, and as promised, I did more homemade pizza dough. Mostly because I had a taste for pizza again after all of the talk of pizza restaurants and we had leftover sauce from last week that needed to be used. The pizza dough isn't time intensive so I thought I could handle it. I figured I'd get it started then we would play board games while the dough rested (ten minutes) and while the pizzas cooked (20+ minutes).

But as soon as I got the dough read, my oldest came down and distracted him about drawing (a hobby they share) so he didn't want to play a game anymore.

I managed to load the dishwasher, make the pizzas and clean up the mess I made, all without caffeine because I didn't feel like making coffee. Then I got in a couple hands of a card game with Jack and the 14yo, but by then, especially after eating half a pizza, I couldn't focus. I was so fuzzy and sluggish, I couldn't keep up with the fast-paced game (a game I won easily last night). Ugh.

After two rounds, I told them I had to go rest. I tried to just relax on the computer, but it wasn't happening so I took a nap. I laid down at 3pm. Got woke up once when my husband got home not long after that and started a fight with the oldest that resulted in her screaming and slamming doors.

I slept for maybe 2 1/2 hours and felt like crap when I got up. Just as tired as when I laid down. I decided to eat dinner before my husband had to go to bed for the night, but it was so hard to even warm leftovers. Everything was confusing and difficult. I kept forgetting what I was doing and just felt like I was moving so slow.

And before I could even finish eating and maybe do my journal or check my social media, Jack was upstairs wanting to watch Despicable Me 2. Except it's not available for free on any of the streaming sites we use. So we watched Ant Bully and then Abominable. It was during the second movie that the oldest dropped the baby in my room with a few snacks and said she just needed to do something for a few minutes. Two hours later, he was still in my room crying and throwing a fit because he was tired and wanted his mother.

She finally came and got him at quarter to 11.

Now I'm totally exhausted and got nothing done that I needed to do today. I mean, spending time with Jack is important, but I'm an introvert and that much one-on-one is mentally/emotionally exhausting. It's hard to balance it all. I'm so worn out. And I basically did nothing today.

Tomorrow will be more of the same. There aren't enough hours in the day to spend time with the kids like they need when I have to nap for 3+ and then feel barely alive for 5 other hours. I don't know how long I can keep it up.

Written by justanotherjen

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