I Feel Euphoric At Times

5:22 AM

It must've been the anesthetics injected into my face on Monday that made me feel numb throughout the day. It wasn't as bad as emotional blunting, which is what PSSD and PFS sufferers experience, sometimes to the extent of full-on anhedonia, but I still felt somewhat emotionless on Monday night. I felt lonely and sad. It's hard do describe that feeling now because I don't feel that way anymore, instead, the past few days I've had mixed feelings of restlessness, anxiousness, euphoria, excitement, and other elevated states.

Emotions are fun, it's what practically all animals go through and experience. Pretty much all animals are extremely similar, we each have two eyes and four limbs, a nose, a mouth, two ears, teeth, lungs, a heart, a stomach, and similar other body part constructions. There are of course some exceptions to this, but for the majority of all animals, 99.99% are extremely similar in these ways. Whether it's a dog, cow, chicken, human, kangaroo, whale (arguably the fins are two limbs, and the tail is 2 limbs combined into one), elephant, lion, panda, etc. we all basically fit this kind of anatomy and have these body constructs. Some of us stand on two limbs such as humans and chickens, others stand on four limbs such as cows and dogs, others have two limbs turned into fins or wings, but we still all fit this kind of construct.

All of our body constructs all serve the same purpose too, our eyes are for seeing, our tongues are for tasting, lungs for breathing, brains for thinking, stomachs for digesting, and very importantly our faces are for displaying emotions. People like to assume animals are not like us, when we are all basically the same. It makes it easier for people to abuse, torture, r-word, and kill animals, when they think of them as different from us. All of these actions are extremely commonplace in the meat and animal agriculture industries, sexual abuse of animals is extremely prominent and a normal occurrence, as much as torturing and killing them is. It's good we don't have to participate in harming animals and can choose to not buy or eat any animal products.

I used to keep goldfish and even they had emotions on their faces. It's weird people would assume fish have no facial expressions, when that's what our faces are for: displaying emotions. Having normal interactions with my goldfish, I could see their excitement or boredom or fear. They are not very expressive most of the time, but they are stuck in this aquarium cage for their entire lives, so what can they do? I wish I could have just set them free in a nearby river or lake, and there's a few nearby me, but it's not legal to just dump them in there. Goldfish can grow to any size, they continuously grow for life but stop based on their environment such as an aquarium, so in the wild they can quickly dominate any natural environments.

But yeah, emotions are great. They are what most if not all animals experience. It was only in the 1970s that Jane Goodall documented chimpanzees and found their similarities to humans. They are still publishing papers confirming animals feel emotions today. So it's not surprising most people are behind the times in this area. Animal abuse is so extremely rampant, it's my only wish for it to stop. If I could give up my entire being, all my possessions, everything, for the entire world to stop abusing animals (the only way to do this is by going vegan), then I would gladly give up everything. I would castrate myself, imprison myself, go through any kind of torture, sacrifice my own life, etc. if it meant all animal abuse would end.

Of course choosing to not abuse, harm, and kill animals is just the norm for me now. When I first went vegan in 2013, it was still a confusing time. I thought about what I could eat or how would I survive, but honestly after a few months and adapting, it became second nature. Being vegan for 13 years now, it is not even anything I think about, I just don't even consider animal products as purchasable or even as food. It's like a grown man seeing makeup, for most men they won't see it as even something to purchase, that's how I view all animal products, not even something I would consider purchasing. Same with a person looking at a stone or a rock, or maybe even a dead human or dead dog, seeing meat doesn't even look like food or even edible, although growing up with farm animals, even seeing dead cows, chickens, pigs, did not look edible even when I was a meat eater.

Anyway the past week I have felt random times of euphoria. I feel really good right now for example, full of energy and psyched up. I can't go outside and exercise though because it's below freezing. Also I can't do much exercises at my parent's home since they live on the second floor and doing rigorous movement can disturb the people downstairs. I can do push-ups, squats, leg raises. I think those are the exercises I"m limited to doing here.

I ordered a MacBook Air for me last week, and I am going to give my current MacBook Pro to my dad. I paid over $3000 for this computer when it was brand new almost 5 years ago now. I'm surprised that this computer is still as good as the day I bought it, it's still as fast and as powerful as back then. Compare this to computers from the 2010s, they would often be outdated and not working that well after just a couple of years. All my computers from that time period started breaking down eventually with their physical components such as hinges or buttons falling apart, or the computer would just get incredibly slow. Nothing with this MacBook Pro has broken, well, the mousepad has become loose a bit, the up arrow key has less spring, but it's still good for the most part.

In 2020, I had probably one of the most powerful laptops ever. I got it for extremely cheap too, only $1000, I think the person selling it had no idea how powerful it was. It had 128gb of ram, 5gb ram discrete GPU, Intel Xeon processor, and 1TB hard drive space which I upgraded to 3TB. I still have this computer, but I don't use it that much, it has broken down a lot too with some keys no longer functioning. I performed some miracles on that machine. Truly. I haven't had the same luck on this MacBook Pro, practically no accomplishments at all on this machine. I'm hoping to change that and become more fortunate with my new MacBook Air.

I have my own new goals and dreams to follow. But I have to be consistent in my studies and taking action. I should study for a minimum an hour a day and exercise a little bit every day. Yeah. I'll write about my new goals and dreams next time.