July 26, 2020

Was an "Okay" Day Then My Son Gutted Me

I was having an okay day for me. I didn't really get anything done, but wasn't feeling utterly fatigued either. I managed to get the dishwasher going and clean out old/expired food from the fridge. I made dinner and even spent a while outside, cleaning the moss from the porch and driveway with a hose. It was kind of relaxing, but wasn't anything physically overwhelming. It was literally standing there, spraying the sidewalk. But my feet were killing me since I didn't have shoes on and my ankles were swelled all up from the heat (over 100F today).

I also now have a working overhead light so no more flashlight at night that would die every thirty minutes. And I got to order Domino's because what I made for dinner wasn't something I actually like. I made it for everyone else then exhausted myself with the cooking and spraying the driveway. Of course, they messed up my order and forgot the one thing I was looking forward to most (Philly Steak Sandwich). It was resolved, though. My husband called and I had to wait an extra 25 minutes for my dinner, but I also filled out their online form and got a free future pizza out of it so I guess all is well.

So, yeah, things were going okay today. Nothing to taxing. I'm not sitting here fighting to stay awake or feeling like crap.

But just as I get ready to do this journal entry, my 10yo comes in and starts carrying on about Five Nights at Freddy's. Totally normal. It's nearly 10pm so I told him he has ten minutes to wrap it up. But he wanted to stay and watch the Portland protests like he did last night. I let him stay up until midnight to watch last night (he missed all the action, though, as that started after 1am). I told him i was in the middle of doing something (this journal) and it was time sensitive (needing to be finished by midnight) which got him upset.

He stormed off after saying stuff like, "yeah, figures," and "you're always have 'stuff' to do."

So, thanks, Jack, for the proverbial sucker punch to my mental health. It wasn't even that I didn't want him to watch--I just needed to get this done first but he ran off before I could explain. If he could have just let me get my writing in first.

Now I feel like crap and want to cry. Honestly, I wasn't planning on turning the protests on until later (if at all) and was going to put them in a separate browser window so I could work on some fanfic notes at the same time. Which I wouldn't have been able to do with my son in the room because he would have been talking to me the whole time.

I just can't seem to win. I'm the only one that really pays any attention to him and then this. Now he's going to go to bed thinking I didn't want to spend time with him. I don't have the energy to be his best friend. It's mentally exhausting when he comes in here and wants to go through all of the FNAF characters' lines from all of the games. I can't do anything but try to listen to him, but it's all so confusing. Concentrating on anything is exhausting and gives me a headache. I'm getting a headache from trying to write this.

I'll have to make it up to him tomorrow with some board games. Hopefully, I'll be feeling okay when I wake up. It's not a given. I can't even promise him I'll do something with him tomorrow because I could wake up fatigued and be that way the entire day. But fingers crossed...

Written by justanotherjen

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