Aug. 6, 2020

Emotional Roller Coaster of a Day

Today was just a roller coaster of emotions, and I haven't even started my new meds so can't blame that. I think I have a grip on them now that it's getting close to bed and some things resolved during the day.

It started out okay this morning, Got up around 10am and was just playing on my phone. I noticed this tickle in the back of my throat which makes me want to cough. I occasionally get this or a scratchy throat because of my allergies and the way I breathe at night if my nose get stuffed up. I decided not to go make coffee though in case it wasn't allergies. I figured it would go away in a bit after I drank some water.

Meanwhile, I got on Facebook and noticed a post in a local group about middle school yearbooks coming in. They said they got an email about it, but I never got one. I usually get all the pertinent emails. So I checked the program we use (Skyward) that keeps track of student info and saw it says my daughter still owes $20 for a yearbook.

That was the first blow to my stability today. I nearly had a panic attack then. My blood pressure definitely shot up because, no, I got her a yearbook as a surprise because the school year sucked and her graduation and final dance was canceled. At least, I thought, she'd have her yearbook to remember things by. I started freaking out and broke down into tears several times. I texted my daughter to let her know (she said she didn't care but that made me feel worse) and made a post to my Facebook because I just felt like crap. I was sure I must have thought I ordered it but never finished the process or some other idiotic thing.

My cognitive functions are declining fast. They get really bad when I'm fogged up from the fatigue. I start to do things and immediately forget what I'm doing or why I'm doing them. It's frustrating and scary. It's the main reason I don't drive anymore. I can't keep track of all of the stuff going on and often would find myself miles from where I started with no memory of how I got there.

I had some friends respond with support, telling me the depression is lying and I'm still being a good mom and all that, but the sentiment just made me feel worse. I started crying harder. I made a comment on a post from the middle school about yearbooks wondering if it was too late to finish paying for my order. I didn't hear nothing back, but the order on Skyward said the money was due on July 30 so figured I was out of luck.

I felt so bad but was trying to keep it together. I put The Last Jedi on (which I started watching months ago and never finished) and tried to knit to take my mind off of things. That worked for a bit but then my husband came home with my prescriptions, ranting (playfully) about how much I cost. The new bipolar med was $50 for a 30-day supply. With our insurance. Without insurance, it would have cost over $1880!

My husband said it was fine, especially if it works. I guess there's no generic of this med because normally we pay $30 for a 90-day supply (our insurance insists on 90 days). This is going to be expensive. That got my anxiety rolling because there will come a time I have to decide between $150 to refill this prescription for three months or buy groceries or pay the water bill or something. And the meds will never win.

But for the moment, we can afford them, and I don't even know if they'll work yet so no point worrying about it.

This new med, though, is supposed to be taken with dinner so I went downstairs to cook, but I was just feeling so drowsy and unable to focus on the task of cooking. I just kept staring into the fridge but getting nothing out or even taking inventory to decide what to cook. In the end, I spotted the half-jar of spaghetti sauce leftover from last week that I told the kids to use last night.

I didn't want spaghetti (I don't really like red sauce but will eat it if there isn't anything else) but my husband got the 10yo to start boiling water so he can learn to cook for himself. Then he called the 14yo down to empty/load the dishwasher. I tried to warm up the last pork chop and maybe make some instant potatoes on brussels sprouts on the side but it was too much. I gave up and went upstairs.

At this point, my head was starting to hurt. I was not really in a good mood. I went downstairs to get some of the spaghetti so I could take my meds and found they (meaning my husband) dumped the half jar of sauce into 2lbs of noodles. This would have been okay if the jar was full, but it wasn't. I was just going to leave it on the side and everyone could get the amount of noodles and sauce they wanted.

I just snapped. I started ranting about how I had to do everything because no one else could manage something as simple as making spaghetti. I ended up having to open another (smaller) jar of sauce just so there would be enough for all the noodles. There also wasn't enough room in the pot to stir them so half the noodles didn't even have sauce on them.

Of course, the 10yo was sitting at the computer and thought I was yelling at him since he cooked the noodles. But I wasn't mad at him. I was more mad at myself and the world in general because everything is so hard all of the time. I didn't blame him at all. In fact, he did a good job cooking the noodles (which I told him later). Then I got into an argument with my husband over it because he's didn't see the problem with what he did and didn't care that literally no one in the house would want to eat the spaghetti now (two of the kids won't eat it if the sauce is mixed in like that so it's a waste of food).

After he left, my head was pounding and I was in tears because I realized I had made my son cry for no reason and felt like I was losing control of everything.

But then I had a breakthrough. I was thinking about the yearbook again and was sure I had bought one at the same time I paid my older son's fees off so he could graduate high school. So I went back through my emails until I found the receipt. And, yes, I did pay for a yearbook. I'm not a complete screw-up that can't do anything right. I did remember correctly that I paid for it. Ugh.

That made me feel a little better. Now someone has to drive over to the middle school on Monday to get it.

I felt calmer after that and still needed to take my meds with food so I went downstairs to fix the spaghetti. No one had touched it in in the house or more I was upstairs. So I got the small jar out and poured some over my noodles and added a little garlic, pepperoni and mozzarella cheese. In the end, mine turned out okay. Ate too much, though.

So today has been all over the place, emotionally. I'm guessing I'm at the beginning stage of PMS which can get really bad for me. My throat feels more scratchy, but I don't know if that's because I'm really getting sick or a combo of allergies and the yelling I did earlier. I'm really tired, though. I didn't drink any coffee today and have been fighting to stay awake since around 1pm (so the entire day). I was going to try to finish the movie and knit, but I might just go to bed now and hope for a better day tomorrow.

Written by justanotherjen

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