Exercising

I'm feeling so overwhelmed. I made more phone calls today and took down more information. I made copies of my medication and contacts lists just in case... One of the people helping me look into resources has unfortunately found nothing either. I feel so lost. There's really nowhere for me to go from here, I don't see a way out of it. My depression has been so bad I have a feeling I'm going to relapse into self harm because as awful as it sounds, it releases endorphins which make it easier to cope with the traumas I'm currently going through. My therapist at least made me promise that I wouldn't, but I don't know if I can keep that promise. I'm on day 3 or 4 of this long panic attack and all I could do to kind of alleviate it was keep working out until I felt like I was going to collapse. Something about the motions, breathing, and counting, along with my heart rate increasing to what it feels like it should be kind of help in a way but I can only keep doing that for so long. I know exercise is supposed to be good for depression anyway so I guess I'm going to keep taking exercise breaks throughout the day to keep my heart rate up when I feel really anxious. It makes what I'm feeling seem more natural somehow.

Tomorrow I'm supposed to be ready to go hiking at 4am, so I should try to get to bed early. I don't know if my insomnia will even allow it. I really don't even feel like going at the present moment when I think about it, if I'm being honest... I haven't eaten more than a few crackers and a cough drop in days and I've barely been able to drink anything either. I just feel as if I've completely lost the will to go on in any way... I know it would be good for me to get out of this empty apartment and spending time with someone would prevent me from focusing too much on all of this, so I really should go, but I don't know...