A Home

Sometimes I feel like I've run out of options only to find at the last second that everything has changed, shifted in a way that I hadn't expected it to.

I woke up this morning much earlier than I would have liked and couldn't get back to sleep- something which I hope is fixed when I'm in the hospital. I got up and right away took my medicine and had to start working on something to stop feeling like my heart would explode. I chose to go outside before it got too hot and disassemble my little garden arrangement. Succulents are now occupying my friend's coffee table like a little island of their own.

At some point I realized I had a message on my phone from the other night- it was from someone who lives in my state capital...so a decent distance away from me. It was the roommate of the person I had spoken to over the phone previously, and we talked about me possibly meeting up and checking the place out which is really nice looking fully furnished room. I explained my situation fully and honestly and he said that it would be fine if I was in the hospital for a while- the other roommate actually is right now too with a broken foot, believe it or not!

Most recently this evening I got a message back from someone I thought had overlooked me in favor of other tenants, though I saw she was still posting about the availability. I liked the post to give it a little boost and she ended up messaging me back! She had missed my message before! This person is charging more than I would like to pay, but the room is essentially my own floor, and they're local and LGBT friendly, so I know that it will be a safe home and is probably the best bet for me. It's also in a safer location than the other place, hence the higher price. We talked a little bit and again I explained my situation with wanting to go to the hospital to get myself help and I worried about telling her for nothing- she seemed proud of me that I knew when I needed to admit and accept help when I'm in a really bad place and sympathized with me. She said she won't sell the room out from under me while I'm in the hospital and I felt a huge weight lifted off my shoulders.

I survived without relapsing and was rewarded with the potential of a safe home to call my own- even a choice of which home. I've reached out to a friend to arrange seeing the places as soon as I get released form the hospital. Hopefully we will be able to do that once I'm feeling better, but I know that will take some time. I had therapy this morning before any of this happened and I was still so scared and the things my therapist were saying to me like "the hospital could turn you away, then where would you go? What would you do?" things like that filling my head....I actually yelled at her to stop doing that because she was causing me more anxiety than I had to begin with. She listened and apologized that "I felt like she's not helping" ...ugh....she does try her best, I suppose, in her own way. I need to work with the limited therapist referrals I can get with dumb government public assistance healthcare, so this is what I've got.

At least now I know things are going to get better from here. I started with nowhere to go and ended up having somewhere to go again, and I believe that was through faith and patience and maybe a little bit of being in the right place, exactly as I should be, at the right time. All I have to do again now is wait, then pack the rest of my belongings, and wait some more. Patience and perseverance will get me everywhere these days.