Aug. 26, 2020

Forced to Nap (at 8pm)

It's been a long day. I'm not sure I got much done.

First my whole day was thrown off because my 14yo came in right when I was planning to go to bed last night (around 11:30pm) because I was so sleepy from the day and my meds. She didn't leave until after midnight, and by the time I actually finished what I was doing and got in bed, it was nearly 2am so I didn't fall asleep until after 2.

I originally woke up a little after 6am but was having trouble just playing on my phone for a few minutes while I waited for my heating pad to heat up my back muscles so I could actually move. So I decided to go back to sleep. Woke up for the day at 7:30am. I ended up just working on my cross stitch pattern all morning. I did eventually get a cup of coffee. I don't remember when, though. I was too tired to clean up the kitchen so just went back upstairs, figuring I'd do it after the coffee kicked in.

I never did clean the kitchen, though. At like 11am or 12pm, I decided to go pull some weeds instead. I managed to clear about ten feet of length on the side of the house and trim the next bush along the way. While I was doing that, my husband came out and went behind the property to trim back these trees that are growing over our fence but got tangled in some blackberry vines that were growing through them. Now we have a huge pile of branches and vines just sitting outside. He said he'd take care of them, but they're still there.

He made me come in around 2pm, I think, to take a break and have some more coffee. Although I have a little more energy, I still tire out quickly. Bending over a lot also messes up my blood pressure which makes me dizzy, more tired, and gives me a headache. So I decided to have some lunch and finish up what I was doing later (I had just gotten to the part of the yard with the most weeds left).

But I never did do that either. I went back to working on my cross stitch after eating. I did that for a couple hours then decided I would make homemade pizzas because the 14yo had been asking for them a couple weeks ago but we ended up just ordering Papa Murphy's instead. I asked her if she wanted to help make them before realizing we didn't have enough pepperoni or mozzarella cheese and we were out of green peppers and onion. So first we ran to the store to get toppings and stuff. Got back and then had to make two batches of dough which I did at the same time this time.

I'm getting better at the dough making, but it's still an ordeal. Not hard or really time invasive, but when I have to do everything myself and I keep running out of space to put stuff... it's just frustrating and tiring. We bought a large-sized pizza pan last week so I got to test that out. I did rosemary garlic crust with string cheese stuffed in the crust and garlic butter painted on before putting on the sauce and toppings.

The other two were on our pizza pan and a regular small cookie sheet--all the same toppings (pepperoni, onion and green pepper that everyone likes).

Despite the work, they were worth it. The one on the cookie sheet turned out the best simply because when I got to the bottom of the garlic butter, it was mostly garlic so it had the best flavor.

Anyway, after doing all of that--the yard work, shopping and baking--I sat in the living room watching a movie because I was too tired to get up. My husband realized I was barely awake and helped me upstairs. I finished up the strand of floss I had been working with the cross stitch but it was so hard to keep my eyes focused. At that point, it was around 8pm. I still needed to do this illness journal plus my regular journaling at, but I couldn't concentrate. I could barely keep my eyes open.

So for the first time in weeks, I decided to try a nap. I set my alarm for 10pm and figured two hours of resting would be enough to perk me up to write then I would just go back to bed. Except, as usual, I couldn't fall asleep. I just laid there awake and anxious over nothing just like every other time. It's so freaking frustrating--to be so tired you physically can't stay awake but you can't sleep either. You can never get relief. I think I finally fell asleep probably after 9pm because when my alarm went off, I didn't really feel rested. It was enough to be able to write, this though but that was after forty-five minutes of just sitting here. Ugh.

I hate this crap. With my luck, I won't be able to fall back asleep either which is going to mess tomorrow up. I'm starting to worry I won't be able to handle this school thing with my son. I have to be up by 7am every day to get chores done and make sure he gets up, eats and preps before 8am then I have to sit with him at the table to make sure he does his work which is at least until 10am but probably more like noon (they want the kids doing work until 3pm like they would if they were in class). Normally, during the school year, I don't get up in the morning. The kids are responsible for getting themselves on the bus, and since the elementary ones arrives at 8:45am, I don't worry much about him missing it unless he gets too absorbed in a YouTube video but that only happens a couple times a year (thankfully when my husband is home to drive him).

I don't know how I'm going to do this every morning and still get through the day.

But... I also am trying to remind myself right now that it's the fatigue talking. When I wake up in the morning at 7am, I'll probably feel fine and be able to get things done that I want to do again. It's just at night, when I'm exhausted from the day, that I start to think I can't handle it because my brain can't see past the fog--can't remember what it was like not feeling this way. Frustrating just describes my entire existence most of the time.

Written by justanotherjen

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