Aug. 28, 2020

Depression Sucks

I was sitting here around 7:30 this morning, working on a knitting project and just kind of zoning out because it was too early to watch TV (that would be too much noise and commotion for my brain at that hour) and realized I'm still depressed.

I'm not sure if the depression has been there this whole time, but I was just too focused on the lessening fatigue or if it's a new development. The breathing trouble/chest tightness is back as well which seems to be anxiety-induced. I didn't feel particularly anxious, but I've been stressed about my husband and daughter and not being able to fix anything no matter what I do.

The realization just kind of bowled me over, and I nearly burst into tears. I'm so tired of the depression. Of not being able to enjoy anything. The tiredness and anxiety and often feeling nothing. I don't want to do it anymore.

Hopefully, it was just one of those days and things go back to "normal" tomorrow. I don't have time for depression and fatigue with school starting. I'm going to need to be up early every day. I flip-flop between looking forward to something new going on to dreading being forced to be downstairs for hours every day (that's where all the pandemonium is in the house).

I did manage to wake up early as usual today. At first, I tried to go back to sleep because I don't need to be up at 6:20am, but after lying in bed for a half hour, tossing and turning, I gave up. But I only had one large cup of coffee, so by 4pm, I was starting to feel drowsy. I did spend some time outside around noon, pulling weeds on the side off the house. Also trimmed the last bush. I gave up the weeds because there's no more room in the yard waste bin and they won't collect it until next Thursday (and the bin will immediately be filled again with what's sitting on the side of the house). I then used the last of the weed & grass killer on the stuff I didn't pull and could reach.

The heat also started to get to me. I don't know what it is--if I'm more dehydrated or it's my blood pressure or something else, but my hands and legs are so swelled all of the time that I can barely bend my joints. Sometimes, I can't even straighten my foot out because of the swelling. My legs are huge so my pants are too tight when they used to fit comfortably. On top of that, I'm still gaining weight. I'm afraid it's a side-effect of my new meds which means I have to choose between my mental health and my weight. I can't survive at this weight. I was up to 272lbs the other day (the highest I've ever been). I can barely walk up the stairs. My back and knees are killing me. I have trouble breathing. My weight is slowly killing me. But going of the meds means the fatigue will come back and I'll just want to kill myself every moment of the day.

I can't win.

I could stop eating all together and still gain weight.

No wonder the depression came back.

Written by justanotherjen

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