Sept. 9, 2020


tw: suicidal ideation

I feel like the lowest of the low. I just want anything to cling onto to drag myself back up, but I'm not sure if I can do it. I keep staring at the boxes I have no intention of unpacking. Staring at the exposed ceiling beams like they're the only way out of here. I can't take this anymore.

Sona contacted me. He seemed highly interested at first and then all the sudden.........ghosted. I don't know why. I didn't do anything, but it always happens to me. I don't know if it's because I'm trans (and I was being purposefully misgendered so....obviously only seen as a female object) .....and yet there's a pert of me that would be fine with even that attention. I might not be in the best place, but being lonely is really hurting me.

I have a lot of love to give, but I'm way too much for most people to handle. I thought getting to know someone online maybe might be nice, but I always just scare people away. Now here I am pouring my heart out again for.........what reason.....? I don't even know anymore.

I know I'm stuck in my own head over a lot of things right now, but I've been thinking about how I got my medical card and feel like......If I'm going to spend my money on drugs I just wish it would be something that had the power to knock me out. My drug of choice is relatively easy to find, then I could spend hours just nodding out not worrying about anything but the way color suddenly has sound or vice versa. It's tempting to overdose and just let everything go

I'd like to think that finding someone I can talk to and relate with would be better for me but....realistically I know I'm not good enough for anyone with how broken I am. Even thinking another broken person would want anything to do with me is funny. I'd go back to selling myself before that ever happens and....that's another very real possibility since I can't...really afford to even live here in this shitty city where the constant sound drives me insane.

I must already be in hell with no way out.

Written by iyazo

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