Sept. 15, 2020

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tw: self harm, drug use

Must have fallen asleep last night as soon as I took my meds and hit the bed...I woke up to a phone call with my glasses still on and very smudged. Not the first time that's happened recently...I feel like I hadn't slept at all. I barely did- maybe 4 hours absolute max including falling back asleep and waking up to various calls all morning... all I wanted to do was go back to sleep. Then I remembered that I had to be up for therapy soon, and the roofer was to come by at 11am, and my friend would be by to pick me up for an appointment later on... So no more sleep for me, unfortunately. The acid never did end up hitting me at all. What a disappointment...just like me ahahah....

Therapy didn't go particularly well today because I was super irritable. I told my therapist about what had happened the night before and she seemed more interested in -what- drug I was doing rather than the fact that I bashed my head into the wall so I refused to tell her. I'm not some kind of fucking spectacle or research specimen. Doesn't matter what drug I did, what matters is that I'm back into crisis mode and I need help now. I told her I don't know if it's my medicine having just been adjusted, the stress from moving, or not being ready to come back out of the hospital yet but something is wrong.

I went to my regular doctor later in the day and after the usual depression screening and talking a bit about what went on and not knowing if it was the medicine or me, my doctor decided that he wanted to call the hospital for me to see if they had placement right then. They told him the same thing that I was told last time- they have no beds available, try back around 7 or 8 tonight.... I really don't want to go back to the hospital, but I can't be in an environment with no motivations or goals outside of self harm. I can recognize the fact that I'm really unhealthy right now, but this is far from my worst. I really know I shouldn't keep pushing it and waiting, but that's kind of what I want to do... I don't want to go back

Written by iyazo

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Comments
JustMegawatt
Posted On Sep 17, 2020

If I were you I would just sit down and chill. Write some entries. Stream of consciousness. Stay away from drugs and other pleasure inducing substances (including TV, junk food, excess food, movies, video games, chat rooms, etc) for a while. Just chill and relax, maybe walk outside, go for a run. Take things slower? That's what I would do.

My life is also currently in a state I don't want it to be in, but I'm taking the steps above to correct my course.

iyazo
Posted On Sep 21, 2020

@JustMegawatt I wish I had seen your comment sooner. I tried to relax for a while, but ultimately I did decide to go back to the hospital. I just came home today and I'm feeling a bit better. I need to stay away from as much of that junky stuff as I can. I wish I at least still lived in the quiet countryside. In the city it's difficult to occupy myself and not be stressed by the noises around me. I need to get back to going on long walks and should now that it's autumn, but again I'm a bit deterred by the bustle outside...I know part of it is my agoraphobia, but that does improve with exposure therapy. So each time I will go out a little further or take a new turn when I walk or run around.

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