Sept. 18, 2020

Another One of Those Days

I've been more and more depressed lately. I think part of it is the stress of my kids' school. The 10yo is bored and annoyed with school. He doesn't want to pay attention in his Zoom meetings then doesn't know what's going on with his independent work. I don't listen to the meetings so I only have what is in the assignments to go by and they just say "based on our discussion today..." On the other end, my 14yo is completely stressed about school because she just has so much work.

I got an email from her "teacher" saying she isn't putting enough time in. She comes down around noon and sits there doing homework until my husband goes to bed at 8pm, but apparently that's not enough time. They want her literally logged into the system and working on her ipad for 6 hours every day. She's at least a week behind because she as sick the first five days of school. The principal told me that was fine, the teacher told my daughter it wasn't an excuse and expects her to make up the work on the weekends and by doing extra work every day. So she needs to be glued to her ipad for 8 hours/day, seven days a week to catch up. The hell? She has no life now. All she does is cry and moan about work. She's super anxious and depressed and I feel every bit of that.

I ended up writing a scathing email to the teacher (CCed to the principal) about the amount of work they're expecting. They may be in the school building 6 hours per day normally, but they are not working on anything that entire time. I bet they maybe do 4 hours of work total the entire day when you take out lunch, passing time, just sitting around in the class and talking, etc.

Then I lost it after dinner tonight. I thought everyone knew I was making meatloaf for dinner. I was supposed to make it last night but was too tired so said I would make it today. So I do that which takes time. Just as I'm about to finish up everything (cook the veggies, finish the potatoes and brown the meatloaf in the air fryer), the 20yo comes down to make some pasta because she said she was having a "pasta party." Grr.

Apparently, she ate both. But when I came down to get another slice of bread, I found the kitchen a disaster. She made her pasta and just left the mess all over. She dirtied so many freaking dishes to make some pasta with jarred sauce. How? I'm tired of her just leaving stuff for someone else to do with the excuse of "well, I had to give the baby a bath." And she'll probably complain tomorrow that no one cleaned his high chair up.

Then when the 10yo was trying to put the food away, he knocked a container of rice all over the floor wasting about two cups of rice and half a piece of chicken. All because the 20yo buys all of this random stuff in tiny containers but makes no effort to organize the fridge. She literally just throws everything in on top so it's falling all over. It's a freaking juggling act to get anything in or out, and her stuff takes up so much room. She's been told to use the fridge in the garage, but she says it's too gross (but won't clean it) and then forgets she has stuff out there. She's always buying expensive yogurt and stuff for her son who is only here like 3 days of the week so it goes to waste.

I'm just not doing good. I'm stressed out and frustrated. My doctor office wouldn't let my husband make an appointment for me like he's been doing for years at every office I've been at. This is a mental health clinic. So that's it. I get one visit and won't ever go back because I can't make phone calls for myself. He was my lifeline. My meds run out in a couple weeks and can't be renewed until I see the doctor so... back to constant chronic fatigue I guess.

The last three days, I've just spend hours in bed so I don't have to deal with life. It's too exhausting emotionally and mentally. I never feel rested when I get up, but I usually drift into some quasi-slumber where I don't think about things. It sucks, but it's better than being awake and having to deal with everything going on.

If I go off my meds, there's no way I can keep up with the kids' school. They'll be on their own which means the 17yo and 14yo will have to make sure the 10yo does his work or he'll just not do any of it. I can barely keep up with it all now, and I'm already done with sitting at the table for 3-4 hours every day. There's nothing to do. My brain is too messed up to do anything creative like writing. I can't focus on anything. I can't watch Netflix because I have to make sure he's paying attention or help him with his work. Originally, I thought I'd use the time to write, but I still can't. I just can't. My brain no longer makes creative connections. I can't plot. I can't do anything.

Written by justanotherjen

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