Walls

Today wasn't anything special. I feel like most of what I did was stare at a screen or the ceiling or walls and space out. I stayed in my room all day aside from getting something to eat for breakfast and dinner. I ate pretty well and just went and grabbed some snacks for later. I haven't been feeling particularly well so I'm socked up in the room. It has gotten surprisingly cold rather quickly and I had to turn off the fans, close the windows, and change into something warmer to be comfortable. It's probably not even that cold. I had a fever when I left the hospital, but it wasn't too bad so no one really cared. I could really go for a coffee right about now. Pumpkin spice would be nice. I decided to stop giving a fuck and let out my inner white girl... ...which I guess is actually an outer white girl also, something I'm kind of learning to cope with because I have clients who want a woman or a feminine guy at least.... ugh whatever. It's not like I can stop being transgender. I made calls earlier to set up doctors appointments and worked on filling out my schedule to keep track of things so as small as that is I did something at least. I'm supposed to be doing a gratitude exercise in my journals for therapy but I hadn't been doing them since in the hospital we weren't allowed to have pens or anything like that. I'm grateful for my family and being able to talk and reconnect with them a little bit more. I would be grateful for some coffee, but I figure it's too late now, so I can be grateful for it tomorrow. I'm grateful that I recognized the music from a game my roommate was playing while I was downstairs for a moment. I'm grateful for the food in this house that is freely offered to me, which I also got to help pick out some of- we have a lot of tastes in common when it comes to snacks. I'm so tired I'm thinking of going to bed early. Last night I didn't use my trazodone.....the notes said to not stop taking it but also to take it on as ad needed basis so that's kind of confusing. I use it for sleep though. Same with ambien. I wonder if I could go without it. I don't know why I'm so tired right now. There's a lot more that I could be doing or at least feel like I should be doing but I can't because I have to wait for everything- wait for offices to open up and make phone calls, wait until a certain day for something to arrive in the mail, wait for people to respond to me which could be never for all I know... Yeah I think I should go to bed. But some tiny part of me wants to sit and play some games for a little bit first. Let myself feel like a kid a bit and see how that goes for my mood.