Sept. 23, 2020

Don't Want to Do This

Been trying for nearly an hour to get myself to make an entry. Just not in the mood.

Today is just more of the same. Tired all day, barely make it through to 2pm then take a nap that does nothing to alleviate my exhaustion only to barely make it until now. My feet are swelled up and hurt so much. I can't bend the toes on my left food. I can't focus on anything. I'm super depressed. I'm guessing these meds are working less and less.

I knew I shouldn't have gotten my hopes up about them. I told myself to stay wary of any increase in energy because it probably wouldn't stick. But like always, I start to feel relief and hope only to be smacked down. Each week, I feel more and more like I did before with the overwhelming fatigue destroying my life. I've still managed to get up at 7am to do school with my son, but each day is harder and harder. Today I woke up to my alarm actually going off. Three weeks ago, I was getting up on my own at 5:45am and making it through dinner without feeling tired. Now I have to force myself out of bed at 7am, drink a full pot of super-strong coffee, and take a three-hour nap just to make it to bedtime. This isn't looking good for monitoring my son's school the rest of the year. I'll be lucky to make it to the end of the month.

Then again, if they choose to send the kids back to the buildings, we'll be pulling him out to do the fully online school for the rest of the year which means we can do school any time. But also means I will be his teacher pretty much and have even more work instead of just passively sitting there while he listens to his teacher for two hours then I help him for an hour. On top of that, I still have to help the 14yo. She managed to catch up in English but is struggling in Bio now.

I just don't know how I'm going to do this if the fatigue comes back full force. I couldn't handle spring when they were barely doing anything. I just let the 10yo do whatever he wanted and hopefully, he turned some homework in. Now it's much more rigid with deadlines, schedules and assignments. Plus, I don't want him falling behind. He'll be struggling in middle school next year.

I need to get back to my doctors to find out what's going on but... I can't make the appointment. Any time I think about doing it, the anxiety get so bad, I want to throw up. Then I think I'll push through it and just make the appointment and deal with the anxiety of doing the video chat when the time comes which makes me feel even more sick. I start thinking about when and where I would do a zoom meeting when my son uses my phone from 8am-10am and sometimes at other times and people just come in and out of my room and random times. Oh, and I need to be monitoring the kids' work downstairs until 2pm then my daughter is in my room doing more homework usually until 4pm. And there's the question if I'll even be alert enough to handle a meeting. Nevermind I'll either have to be drunk or doped up on anxiety pills to get through it.

There's a reason I have my husband make my appointments for me and risked a face-to-face meeting during a pandemic instead of a video chat. I just realized I have maybe a week and a half of meds left, too. There's no refill left because I was supposed to go back to see the doctor at the beginning of the month. I also have to figure out why I'm retaining so much water. I'm not sure if my blood pressure is holding steady. The one day I took it after forgetting my pills, it was 150-something over 97. I took it this evening after my nap and it was 127/79 or something. But I have no idea if this cheap monitor even works right.

I'm just so lost and depressed now. I'm giving up hope again. What's the point of even trying if it never gets better? Or worse, gives you a taste of what better could be like only to snatch it away again?

Written by justanotherjen

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