Sept. 29, 2020

Mental Health / Commissions

Today was a productive day. I woke up earlier than I have been recently since I had taken an accidentally long nap the night before and just stayed in bed. So today I got up and opened a workout app I haven't used in a while. I figure a little more structure and instruction in my routine couldn't hurt. I'm using 30 Day Fitness Challenge which has different difficulty levels for working out all parts of the body and each course is a month long. There is a paywall for some features, but I don't think it's really anything worth my time... After stretching (also with an app) and working out, I had my first therapy session of the day. It went well and I was in a good mood. Between sessions I ate and relaxed for a little while, then I had therapy with my old therapist for the last time. The skills she was trying to teach me are useless if I don't know how to implement them. We both kept saying that to each other and I told her I can't think of those things when I'm in a crisis and her shitty neurotypical answer was like "but you *should*" yeah lemme get right on that, silly me having panic attacks. She was fucking stupid. And I'm pretty sure on drugs. I had been to this therapist before and because I was just another dollar sign to her, she didn't remember. I used to have my hair in a gradient from purple to pink and she asked me, while staring at me, "what color is your hair supposed to be?" YOU CAN SEE IT, are you fucking drunk?? She started saying similar weird things today, talking in circles, repeating herself and when I brought up that she was doing it she started to get irritated that "I felt like she wasn't helping." She hasn't been. If you suck at your job, I'm not going to stick around. Ugh

Speaking of jobs I posted in a few different places that I'm open for commissions to draw people's characters because I really need the extra money to cover rent until my situation gets fixed. Luckily I have been reassured that I won't be kicked out because they like me here. Of course I'm still going to worry about it. My roommate also said that I can still get rats, which is good. I set the cage up today. I forgot how huge the thing is, with the slanted ceilings there's only really a couple of places where I can put it. I've been working on my own art in the meantime to judge how long it takes me on average to finish a piece, so that I'm able to charge fair prices, however for right now, everything is basically name your price.

Tomorrow I'm supposedly getting my bookshelf which I can set up, then I'll be sorting through all of my old books to see what I want to keep or not. That should get rid of more clutter. I'm considering getting a frame for the bed up here so that I can store things underneath it and possibly moving it elsewhere. Where it's sitting now there's a weird amount of space in front of the window that I dislike as well as the weird slanted alcoves which can only really be used for storage. I guess that's an ok thing because I need to keep all of my toiletries and personal items in my room. I've already caught the other people in the house using my personal towel and washcloth like..... .....that's fuckin gross. Is it just me? That's gross. So I couldn't take a shower today like I wanted because I need to wash that stuff now..

I'm officially out of weed. I don't know how I'll deal without it, but buying it legally is too expensive for me. I might be able to get one vape cartridge, hopefully soon, because I'm worried I'm sliding back into a hypomanic episode. My new therapist says that since it's close to the full moon that's possibly why. I might have more energy around this time of the month, while some people are the opposite. When you think about how much of our bodies are made up of water and how the moon affects the tides, it doesn't seem that strange. I haven't been sleeping or eating as well though, so I'm a little worried. Right now despite having a pretty busy day, I don't feel tired. I also didn't eat dinner... Trash is piling up that I need to take out because it's stressing me out....

One of my friends from the first hospital stay recently also decided to go back for more help. I feel bad that they were waiting in the ER for a full day. Hopefully they're on a ward now and feeling a little more comfortable because they have stopped messaging me. I'm glad that they talked to me and said they were thinking about going back but were too scared to lose their job and place to live potentially, but I said GO, if you're feeling that low then you need to go. I'm proud that they did end up going back because I know that going back helped me.

That's about all for today. I had to get all that out of my mind so maybe I will be able to sleep. Eventually I want to write more stream of consciousness stuff and brain dumps, but I'll do it when I'm less swamped and lethargic feeling. My primary focus right now should be trying to bring in more money. People keep telling me to sell my art and belongings, but no one is buying. It gets a little frustrating.... so I'll stop thinking about all of that for now. I've done enough today. I have the rest of the week to look forward to. I can do more tomorrow. Probably will try and get my little greenhouse set up outside if it doesn't rain again and then play tetris with my things upstairs until I feel like I have enough space. I should read a bit before going to bed. I read my last book fairly quickly and I would like to keep up the pace.

Here is some more of my old art since I stopped drawing for such a long time: