Oct. 8, 2020

Horrible End to the Day

Yesterday started with such promise. And I got a lot done. Was up early like usual, got the dishes done and the sourdough fed (ready to bake today) then I worked on my fanfic outline most of the day. I now have everything fleshed out fully up to chapter 64 or 65 (can't remember off hand) and then chapters 75-80 are also worked out. I'm just missing the concrete scenes between 65 and 75, although, I have a bunch of stuff that needs to fit in there (just not sure the order or exactly where to place them so haven't done it yet).

I was working in the dining room so I could spread my notebook out, reach my coffee, and still work on my laptop which was working well despite my husband having taken the day off and watching movies (Deadpool which I hadn't seen before so that was somewhat distracting). But then the oldest got home from work and immediately started her crap so I had to go upstairs because I couldn't take her whining and arguing over everything (she wants to run the house like it's hers when she doesn't even pay rent to live here--she doesn't pay any bills and put my husband down as the guarantee for her hospital bills so he's getting notifications that he's overdue but she won't pay them because they're too much).

Back in my room, I got more work done at my desk. Not as much room to spread out, but sufficient to hold a folded notebook and my coffee. But all that sitting at tables has caused my feet to swell up again. The swelling seems to go down over the weekends then slowly builds up during the week while I sit at the table during school. By the end of the week, I can't bend my toes anymore. Doesn't seem like my doctor is going to do anything about it. I went to see her and she had blood work done but that was the end of it. The bloodwork came back normal other than needing more iron in my diet. No followup was scheduled. I have no idea what I'm supposed to do about the swelling. It's so bad, I can't even walk some days. I only got to talk to the doctor for a few minutes before she shoved me out the door to the lab. I thought we would finish the appointment after that, but apparently, that was the end of the appointment. I had to remind the nurses I still needed a flu shot at the time. Now I don't know what to do and don't want to pay another $25 to find out.

When my feet got too bad to sit at the desk, I went back to my more reclined armchair in the corner and eventually started watching TV again while working on some crochet. But over the sound of the show and my very loud fan that runs 24/7, I could hear banging and yelling from downstairs which was the oldest daughter throwing another fit over something. Her and my husband were screaming at each other. I realized at some point it was after 9pm and this was still going on. The windows and doors were open so half the neighborhood could hear them screaming and cussing at each other, and on top of that, the kids were all in the living room while this was going on. It was an hour past the 10yo's bedtime, the 14yo had only come down for popcorn and was trying to keep the 1yo (my grandson) calm while his mother screeched at everyone.

I told them to stop and the 20yo flat out said she would not stop screaming and she didn't care if her brother was trying to sleep so I had to make the 10yo go upstairs to my room to try and sleep while the 14yo and 17yo watched the baby.

It sucked.

It ruined my entire evening. I was so depressed and anxious after. The house is so stressful with the 20yo here because she tries to control everything to her wants thanks to her ridiculous anxiety that she refuses to get treatment for because medication will change her. She's a germaphobe but only when it suits her. Her hypocrisy is annoying. I'm tired of her bitching about the mess in the house (contamination) but literally doing nothing to keep anything clean. She expects everyone else to clean up after her because she works 12 hours, 3 days a week and has a baby to look after. I did the dishes yesterday so that the only thing on the counter was a pan that needed to be hand scrubbed and some metal coffee cups that are hand-wash only. She comes down with a stack of five plates, silverware, bowls, etc, and just leaves them--all covered with food and other trash. I guess I'm supposed to scrape the food and napkins off and put them in the dishwasher? She doesn't see that as part of her responsibility and it pisses me off.

I couldn't relax after that. I had to use my earbuds to finish watching my show because the 10yo was sleeping in my room. I also didn't sleep at all last night. I woke up every hour from the time I went to bed at 12:30am until I got up at 6:30am. Zero sleep. I'm exhausted but sleeping is just so pointless. It offers no relief. Even after a full night with no interruptions, I wake up exhausted. I have an appointment with sleep medicine a week from tomorrow. Not that I have much hope that it will fix anything because experience says doctors don't really do much and I'll be ignored or brushed off to suffer alone again (see earlier about the swelling in my feet forgotten within a five-minute appointment).

Sigh.

I was hoping to actually get to editing the chapters of my fanfic I have finished, but I think I'm too depressed to work on it now. And my feet are too swelled to sit at my desk which means I have to somehow balance my notebook on my lap (which is taken up by my fatass stomach) while working at my tiny desk that's only big enough for my laptop and mouse and just ugh. Everything is so hard.

Written by justanotherjen

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