Oct. 10, 2020

No Writing Done, But an Okay Day

I didn't really hit my goals for writing that I set yesterday. I had planned to finish rewriting chapter 42 so I could move on to rewriting/editing the next seven or so chapters. I ended up not even looking at that chapter and just brainstormed some ideas for the sequel to this story that I had always intended to write. I realized that if I get through 42, I'd be able to blow through 43-51 (even with having to actually write 49) then I'd either be sitting here doing nothing until November when NaNoWriMo starts or I would plow ahead writing the next twenty chapters and have nothing left to write for NaNo. In which case, I figured I'd move on to the sequel.

Except, I don't really have a plot for the sequel--just a few scenes in mind. Which is how the first story started, and it didn't go well. Not when these are novel-length projects. I need something more concrete. I don't think it has to be a scene-by-scene outline but I need the plot points nailed down so I can fill in around them.

So I broke out one of my writing books and started rereading it, hoping some of the scenes I have in mind will stand out as plot points, but without a main conflict, I'm not sure what I'm doing. I spent most of the day just pulling my hair out, trying to figure out what I want to do with that story. I mean, I doubt the fans would care if it has a plot or anything. I could just be a string of scenes from the MC's life outside of the station with the little girl and they'd be happy. That's how the first story started then I developed the plot. I want the sequel to have an underlying plot as well.

Although I was frustrated with the story, I did get some thoughts down in between goofing off on my phone and Facebook. But cooking dinner kind of threw that out of whack. I got nothing done after eating because of the chronic fatigue. I made beef stew with home-baked sourdough bread. Having to do all of that and then eating a big, filling meal just wore me out. Eating is making me sleepy again, and I felt it after all that food. From the time I finished eating (around 6pm) until I finally gave up and went to bed, I just stared at the screen, trying to keep my eyes focused because they would cross every few seconds. I ended up going to bed a little after 10pm (normally go to bed at midnight) because I physically couldn't stay awake anymore.

I feel that eating disorder creeping back into my life because I don't want to eat anymore. I hate that constant sleepy feeling and want to avoid it. The best way to do that is to not bring it on--to not eat. It all sucks because taking a nap does nothing to alleviate the sleepiness. The only way to solve it is to never trigger the problem in the first place. Guess I need to lose like 70lbs anyway. A little less food won't kill me. Sigh.

I have my first appointment with sleep medicine this coming Friday to talk about possible sleep apnea. My husband doesn't share a room with me but says I snore really loud now (I didn't when we first married 20 years ago). With the snoring, me being morbidly obese and the constant tiredness even after sleeping... there's a good chance that apnea could be causing it. I guess this appointment will set up the actual sleep test? I think that's how it works. I don't know. I'm so tired of doctor visits. They're expensive. They're all "specialists" according to my insurance so the copay is $40. The mental health should not be that much--that should be part of your primary care. Ugh.

I just need to get through this week I guess. The kids didn't have school yesterday which was one of the reasons the day ran so smoothly with no big headaches. Not going to be the same next week. I'm still exhausted in the morning despite the increase in dosage of my bipolar meds. Despite falling asleep sometimes around 11pm last night, I didn't wake up until 9am, and I needed coffee to even feel awake. It's now 10am, and I feel like crap--headache, tired, blah.

Anyway, my goal now for today is to further plot out the sequel to this story. I think I hit on a possible conflict last night but was too tired to further plot it out--going to do that today then maybe work on chapter 42. If I can get through 51 sorted out, I can start posting chapters again.

I had this whole schedule of when I was going to post each chapter back in the day. The final one was supposed to go up in August 2019. Here it is October 2020, and I haven't even posted the midway point yet. I keep getting comments on AO3 asking if I'm going to finish it, but I don't want to just post a few chapters then disappear again. I told myself if I have a backlog of at least ten chapters then I can start posting one a week (which would be enough for over two months of updates). Then again, if I get the rest of the story written, I might just dump a bunch of chapters at a time to reward the fans for sticking around for years until it was finished. I guess I'll see how it goes.

I guess maybe my meds are working a little because this is the most creative I've been since 2018. It's not like I just gave up on this story--I couldn't work on it no matter how hard I tried because my brain just wasn't working anymore. I did try off and on in 2019 but could never get any words out. So I guess that's a little bit of progress. Not really enough to call it a success, though. I need more than this to actually consider what I do everyday to be "living" and not just "surviving," you know?

Written by justanotherjen

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