Oct. 16, 2020

Faking It

I did barely anything today. I woke up from a nightmare this morning after not taking my night medicine. My headphones were off and I had slept through my first alarm. Pretty unusual for me. It hard for me to pass out without ambien, but to be all over the place thrashing like that.... I probably had a night terror incident or was sleepwalking. I hope I didn't leave the room, but I can't find any other traces of what I might have done.

It didn't put me in the mood to get up and do my morning exercise and yoga, but I forced myself to do them anyway... I did feel a little better afterwards, if only from the small burst of energy it gave me, though that could have been the coffee. I'm still drinking that crap loaded up with sugar because we still haven't gone out to the store, despite the promise that there would always be any kind of food I'd want here. That's not the case. I'm glad I'm not paying the $600 rent because it's not worth that.

I hate it here. I just have to pretend I like it to get along and play nice. Truth is I fucking hate all 7 cats that live here. I hate the kids. One of them is young and often bursts into the bathroom to use it while I'm in there using it, or touches me without asking first like trying to hug me and stuff.... which is.. nice, I guess, but really not for me. The other one I have to seriously worry about being molested in my sleep because apparently he recently did that to someone, so I don't feel safe here either. I just have to pretend that I do. My door keeps somehow coming open and I'm suspecting that he's the one opening my door because I've tried getting it to open by just leaning on it or pushing or anything else and I can't get the door to just fly open. If he's doing it to let the cat up here I have seriously no complaints about kicking the fucking thing down the stairs. I said. No Fucking Cats. They told me there were 2 adults, 2 cats and 1 kid.... Not 3 cats, 4 kittens, 5 adults, and 2 kids. I know that sounds abhorrent, but they know about my aversion and that it's due to trauma someone else put me through but they just don't fucking care, I guess.

Truth is I'm completely overwhelmed, but I have nowhere else to go and no real friends or anything so these are my "new friends and family." I fucking hate it. I'm either lying to myself or I have multiple personalities. That might actually be true, so if I don't sound like my usual self I guess that's why... Any other time I'd say this is exactly what I want.... I don't need to worry about being kicked out, I don't need a job, I can shovel junk into my face all day and play games and never really need to do anything ever again.... but what's the point of a boring life alone like that. I don't even want to take care of the rats who were meant to take away that lonely feeling I'm stuck with. Instead I'm stuck here, letting the filth build up because I'm too fucking depressed to do anything about it. At this rate I'm going to end up back in the hospital. I don't want that. So all I need to do is make sure I have enough to eat and drink and never leave my room so there are no "incidents" and I can keep on living my miserable life. Right now I just feel like shit though and I'm angry. I'm angry all the fucking time from being so frustrated over the living situation and the fact that I can barely keep myself alive because I really suck at existing as a human being.

I don't know how to safely get rid of my anger or what to do about it. So I stay up in my room to prevent it from getting worse and prevent the outbursts. It's all that I can really do. So all I did today was play a visual novel. It had some interesting Taiwanese and Chinese cultural facets, but otherwise wasn't that great of a game. At least it was free. I did get a little pissed when I realized (after completing all of the other content...) that you have to pay $7 for the DLC that unlocks the last achievement you need to 100% complete the game. Oh well at last I checked that game off my list of games I haven't finished yet... I'll probably get the DLC eventually when I have any money to spare (ha.........so, never...) just so I can get that 100%, but I really hate that I have to do that.

I'm just so unhappy with my life and I have no idea on how to change it. All I can do is keep doing everything I have been doing. Play nice, act like I get along, and all that...all for a room. I don't even want to be alive, much less give a shit about where I spend my miserable life. I just want it to be over already.

Written by iyazo

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Posted On Oct 20, 2020

Maybe you enjoy being alone better? I love being alone. I have not seen anyone else except my parents for like over 2 months. And even then I see my parents rarely. Anyway life can feel pretty bad sometimes, people say "it gets better" but to some people it doesn't.

Lose yourself in video games or fiction? It's a good distraction from the real world I guess. I love being immersed in fiction too, it momentarily frees me from what's going on in my life.

Posted On Oct 21, 2020

@JustMegawatt Yeah I think I do but at the same time it's dangerous for me to be alone by myself for too long. With the quarantine I've been seeing far fewer people and have been fine with it, I think that has actually improved my mood. I need to have a boundary between being alone and isolating myself though.

Yes that's what I do most of the time. Read or play a game.....or read a game in some cases. I leaned on books a lot as a kid, but then I was diagnosed with adult onset ADHD and I just can't focus sometimes. So some things can get better to some extent, yeah.

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