Oct. 24, 2020

TIFU By Letting My Mania Get Out of Control

Well, it was really yesterday that I messed up. Well, more like over the last few days.

I really do think I was manic now. Looking back, I lacked a lot of impulse control. For me, that means I actually wrote my real opinion about things in forums which is never a good thing. I've learned over the years to just not post stuff. I used to write a lot at livejournal and on my Facebook. A lot of oversharing, but I don't have friends offline so this is how I connect with people. I finally learned to stop oversharing, but over the the years, I also stopped just writing anything that might be controversial or upsetting in any way. I never voice my opinion. I never talk about things that interest me because I never seem to have the same opinion as everyone else.

Like, I have thoughts about season 7 of The 100. Thought that I'm sure would be very unpopular (especially with people I follow on tumblr). I wanted to gush about them, but... No. I don't do that kind of stuff anymore. Not like I did ten years ago on livejournal. I keep my opinions to myself.

Well, the mania I had this past week helped boost my creativity and focus enough that I finished writing the chapters I needed of that fanfic, but I also made a bunch of stupid posts on the internet. Started with calling the pro-back-to-school people in our local Facebook group "selfish" because they're demanding to open the schools now even though our infection rates are sky-rocketing lately. They don't care and it pisses me off. About ten minutes after I posted the comment, I realized it's one of those things I never would have said normally. I would have worded it to be non-controversial. I got off of Facebook since it was obviously upsetting me and ended up with a ton of notifications from the group including from the owner (probably telling me I'm a bad person--I haven't looked at them).

I don't really care much about that group anyway. I just follow it for local school news. It just reminds me how conservative this area is and stressed me out.

I thought that would be the end of it--a reminder to watch what I say and never give my real opinion about things. Sometimes you need those reminders. But then in the forums over at 4theword.com (a writing site where I'm a moderator), they were discussing something I'm passionate about but usually don't comment on because I'm passionate for this thing where the majority of the members hate it. So I avoid all topics about it.

But for some reason, the other day, I commented. Harshly. Because I guess I'm sick of my side's opinions just being railroaded because it's unpopular.

This was a bad, bad, idea. I realized after that I totally screwed up and never would have posted anything like that normally. Our main mod contacted me on the mod forum to see if I was okay because I must have sounded crazy or something--at the least, it was out of character for someone that never posts personal opinions about anything. I commented that I thought I might be manic or something because it was so unlike me. Then the next day, I got but on the naughty list because what I said was inappropriate for a mod to say. We basically can't ever express our opinions if they are negative to the site or group because it sounds like it's coming from the developers or something. It's a hard line to balance in the forums.

Then I wrote a long comment to her about how I haven't felt safe in the forums for a long time--I got attacked years ago during a site upgrade (downvoted into oblivious, accused of lying and deleting posts which I wasn't doing). I have so much anxiety over the forums that I barely post on them and never, ever, ever, ever post anything of substance. Until the other day. Now I'm probably going to get fired as a mod. I've been a mod since 2016. I nearly single-handedly grew the forums from a handful of posts to a thriving community back then. That's why I was asked to be a mod. Now I don't feel like I belong at all on the forums.

I cried so much yesterday. I tried to delete the crazy-sounding post in the mod forum because I realized an hour later how crazy I sounded but it wouldn't delete. I did eventually just delete all of the text besides the apology. I'm supposed to step back from mod duty for a month as punishment. Not that I do much anyway because I suck.

So now my mood/emotions are all over the place. I felt crazy yesterday--crying but wishing I was dead. Just flip-flopping al over. Now I'm just so depressed, I don't see a point in even being online. I normally look forward to going to 4tw every day. It's basically the one place I go. My life revolved around it. I loved being a mod--it gave me some purpose and I was proud of it. Now I feel completely empty. There's just nothing in my life.

I don't feel like I belong anywhere. I literally have no friends. I never talk about anything with anyone. Like I never get to discuss my favorite books, movies or TV shows. Ever. I never discuss politics or stuff like that. I never talk to my husband because there's nothing to talk about. Unless it's something he's interested in he doesn't care anyway. I'm just so alone. Even if I did have friend online or offline, I would feel this way because it's just drilled into me to never ever give my opinion or talk about things.

That started when I was a kid. I never really had friends back then either because I'd try to add to a conversation and these girls would ridicule me for not having the same opinion as them. I just learned to stay quiet. Always quiet. Never talk to anyone about anything, especially anything important.

I should probably contact my psych doctor because I'm spiraling out of control while on meds that are supposed to stop this. Instead I've been manic probably twice in the last two months and/or I'm having a mixed episode where I'm manic and depressed at the same time which is terrifying because you end up depressed enough to want to die and have very little impulse control but a lot of energy from being manic.

But I don't want to bother her. I never want to bother anyone.

I'm so screwed up, I don't know how to function in the world. I don't know how to have normal friendships because I've never had them.

And now I feel like an outsider on my favorite site. If they fire me from being a mod, I just don't see me ever going back to the forum. I'll just plug in my words, get my streak, and leave. I just don't even want to go there to do my writing journal. The site is tainted now.

I just don't belong anywhere.

God, I'm so freaking depressed.

I hate this.

Written by justanotherjen

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