Oct. 29, 2020

Just So Tired

This depression is killing me. And there are so many different things wrong with me (physically and mentally), I'm not sure what's causing the depression or if the depression is just its own thing or if it's causing other symptoms like the fatigue. It's all so confusing. I don't know what to do anymore. My psych meds don't seem to do anything, and I'm having to ween off of them anyway because I can't afford to get them refilled. I have an appointment on Wednesday for that. And I go to sleep med the next day to get the home sleep test device.

That seems like a lifetime away, though. Then it's another week to get the results of the test then probably a bunch more time to figure out treatment, get approval from our insurance for a cpap machine, pick it up and learn how to use it and then have it actually make a difference. I'm looking at December before I might feel any different.

Meanwhile, I'm hovering just above suicidal on the depression scale. I cry for no reason and just want to lie in bed because being asleep (or what passes as sleep for me) is easier than being awake. Oh, but I'm out of sleeping pills and don't have the energy to go pick up that prescription that's been waiting over a week (it's less than $2 so I can afford that one) and I'm about to be out of anxiety pills, and only noticed this morning that there is no refill on that one for some reason. I do still have some in the bottle that expired years ago. The nurse said they'd still be good when I said I had been worried about taking them.

I'm anxious about all of these appointments, and then, yesterday the 19yo texted me that his inhaler ran out so he needs another appointment. My anxiety instantly went to 10. He always waits until the inhaler is empty to tell me to order a refill or make an appointment when there are no refills. He uses his inhaler daily. Sometimes multiple times a day. Thanks to the depression, I was nearly in tears worrying.

My husband texted back and forth with him because he's obviously an adult now and she should be taking care of this stuff himself but things are all confused because he had been using Medicaid the past year because we had lost our insurance and our primary care doctor dropped us so we had to find someone new for him earlier this year but now we have insurance again and he got dropped from Medicaid because he's too old and ugh.

So they texted about it because I suggested he suck it up and change doctors again to the Vancouver Clinic. They have offices all over (including a small one in our town where my husband and I go), but the best part is they have just about every specialty covered through the clinic-system so he could easily get an internal referral to the asthma/allergy team that might better treat his asthma which we haven't been able to control after four years (he should not need a rescue inhaler three times a day). I think he finally made his appointment at he new clinic building. I think. He still needs a ride from us because he can't drive.

Anyway, that's tomorrow. Hopefully, it all gets sorted out and he gets a new inhaler soon. I do have 2 extra that were prescribed to me that I don't need. I'm holding on to them for him but they expire next year so I'd prefer they get used instead of tossed.

Okay, I need to get off this train of thought because I feel my anxiety rising and my depression tugging me down farther into the abyss. Ugh.

I tried to be a little proactive this morning. I didn't look at social media (which will only make my mood worse because the US is a complete mess right now) and just opened my files for the fanfic I've been working on. I took a break from editing, but realized there are just three more days until NaNoWriMo starts, and I wanted to have them all ready to go before I started writing the rest for NaNo.

So, this morning, I did 2nd edits on chapters 44-46 and 1st edits on 47-52. I'll probably do 2nd edits on 47-52 now because the next edit is to get them ready to post and that involves formatting for the different sites and I'm not sure I'm ready for that headache. I already have 40 and 41 ready to go so that's two weeks before the next chapter needs to be ready. I guess it depends on how I feel after I do the 2nd edits.

I also need to go over my outline some more because I've already forgotten what I need to write.

But on top of that, I've started thinking about making stuff for Christmas because of the money issues. I found patterns for the kids' ornaments this year, and I think I have a plan to make Christmas a little more fun. I'm going to make a little pocket in each ornament where a folded up $20 bill will fit. Then I'm going to wrap and tag each ornament and hide them around the house for the kids to find. Then each year after this, I'll add some money to that ornament and either hide it on the tree or around the house as a new tradition.

Now I just have to make all of the ornaments while also doing NaNo and finishing up some other projects I have going. There is never enough time, and I always wait until the last minute. I just don't know what else to do. Christmas is going to be a bust again, and it's so depressing. I'm really thinking about convincing my husband to let me put another $400 on the credit card just to get a few things because 2020 has been so horrible--the kids deserve something in their lives to remember this year. I know he'll say no, though.

Well, better get back to my editing and/or crocheting. Those ornaments won't make themselves, and there are a lot to make.

Written by justanotherjen

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