Nov. 1, 2020

Sad

I'm sad this morning because I couldn't stay up to do the Midnight Write-In like I traditionally do for NaNoWriMo. And this year, I didn't even have to go anywhere because it's all virtual. I didn't even make it to midnight and went to sleep around 11:30pm. I hate that my chronic illness is like this. I can't do the things I used to look forward to and do all of the time. I can't enjoy anything because I'm always so tired.

No matter what time of the day it is, how soon it is since I last slept, I'm always tired. I'm always a step away from needing a nap. Doesn't matter if I drink 2 pots of strong coffee, I'm yawning and thinking about taking a nap. I'm never fully awake for anything. Ever. That means I can never fully enjoy anything--writing, watching TV, playing board games with the family, knitting, reading, anything. The whole time I'm doing anything, I'm wondering when I can stop and go take a nap. My brain is always only half on because of exhaustion. It's frustrating and depressing. And it's making me really sad.

I hope they find something when I do the home sleep study on Thursday. It seems weird to wish I have this debilitating illness, but at least then I'll know what's wrong with me and get treatments. Maybe things will get better after that. Of course, every time I've thought stuff like this and hoped and looked forward to life after a treatment started, I've always been disappointed because it wasn't the cure for the exhaustion. But maybe this time it is. The doctor seemed pretty confident I have sleep apnea and it's probably the root of a lot of my other health issues (the depression, anxiety, high blood pressure, chronic fatigue, weight gain, etc). Obviously, those other things have other causes and everything is really interrelated, but getting the sleep apnea fixed might settle some of those other issues or make it so the treatments for them actually work. I don't know. I don't want to hope but...

On Wednesday, I also have a virtual appointment with my psych doc. I've mostly weaned myself off of the meds she had me on because I ran out and couldn't afford more. My husband told me I could get the refill which probably means he took money out of the savings to cover it, but I didn't want to spend $50 to refill something I might not be taking in a week anyway. It's a waste of money. But I also knew this would happen the moment I saw how expensive the med was.

Hopefully, there are other things to try for bipolar-depression. This was a new drug but it doesn't seem to work for me or I need a much higher dosage. It made me suddenly manic and then I was all over the place with my mood, having what appeared to be a mixed episode of mania and depression (very dangerous). And my weight went up 20lbs in the first two months I was on it. Not to mention the sleepiness I already suffer from fatigue and this stuff knocks me out within a couple hours of taking it. I'm supposed to take it with a full meal (dinner) so it works better but then I'd be in bed at 7pm every day and up at 3am because I literally can't stay awake more than 2 hours after taking it. So I take it right before I go to bed but that means I'm not eating when I'm taking it.

At this point, the side effects aren't worth the benefits if there are any. I don't think there were benefits. I had a spurt of energy when I first started taking it but since then nothing. I'm still exhausted but now my mood is unstable. Guess I'll find out on Wednesday.

This week is going to be a roller coaster of emotions and stress no matter what. NaNo starts today (still haven't actually started writing), Tuesday is the election, Wednesday is the psych appointment, Thursday I do the home sleep study, Friday I have to drop the machine back off. The only days that aren't crazy are Monday and Saturday, but I'll be feeling anxious because of everything else going on anyway. Ugh.

I need to stop thinking about it now before I have to go take an anxiety pill which will just make me sleepy.

I better go actually start my writing for NaNo. I need to write 1,667 words today (and every day this week). Which is about how long a chapter is in this story. I have 29 chapters left to write so I have to make them all a little long.

Written by justanotherjen

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Comments
iyazo
Posted On Nov 02, 2020

I got tired reading all that's coming up, oof! That is an awful lot. I hope the sleep study provides some insight so you can be non-drowsy. Good luck with your writing!

justanotherjen
Posted On Nov 02, 2020

@iyazo It' more emotionally exhausting than physically. The only time I have to leave the house is Thursday and Friday to get and return the sleep study device. I already voted by mail (checked to make sure my ballot was accepted already) and the doctor appointment is virtual. It's a lot to deal with because of my anxiety, but hopefully it goes smoothly. I think I'm most anxious about the elections tomorrow. It's going to be chaos. No matter who wins, a large portion of the country is going to be pissed. I suspect riots and stuff, especially in the bigger cities. Portland has been crazy since May with nightly protests that usually end up as riots thanks to the cops pressing the issue, and we just had some rioting in Vancouver, WA the other night with windows being broken after a midnight vigil for a black man that was shot by cops then the right-wingers came by and maced the group (including kids). Things didn't end well. The elections is just going to make it worse. I think I'm going to hide from all social media tomorrow. Or get drunk. Maybe both. I haven't decided yet.

iyazo
Posted On Nov 06, 2020

@justanotherjen I can relate to that. There have been protests against policy brutality here as well and even hearing about them causes me to start panicking. Hiding and/or getting drunk sounds like a good idea because who knows when the final count will be in

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