Nov. 1, 2020

Back Into the Dark

Yesterday was the full moon on Halloween. I should have been excited. My roommates decided to hold a small house party and I just holed myself up in my room because I was too depressed to do anything. My friend said they weren't coming anyway. Undoubtedly they never planned to and probably just want to limit exposure to people which is fair but....they've been around everyone I live with multiple times.... I don't know why people can't just be honest and say no. I was inconsolable in my depression though and forced myself to at least have a peek downstairs where my housemates and a couple of their friends sat watching a bad horror movie. I got lucky enough for one of them to make me a few drinks. I'm not supposed to have alcohol on my medication, but feeling as bad as I did I think it actually helped me feel better. That's a real slippery slope though since I use to be an addict.

I took a shower for the first time in a while.... And I stole some of the dinner leftovers that were left out, so only my second real meal outside of the hospital... I'm really bad at taking care of myself. I don't know what to do when I get stuck in depression like this. I just wanted to scrub out all of the depression while I was in the shower, but I don't feel any better.

People keep telling me that I need to find my purpose in life and then everything won't feel so empty. I honestly believe I don't have a purpose which makes everything seem more difficult. Even if I did the one thing I've been told that I should do over and over and volunteer at an animal shelter, I don't have a way to get there and with my dislike of cats I don't think that's the best job for me. Same with art. People will tell me it looks nice, but it never sells. It's like what's the fucking point of trying? I can't even be successful or productive with my hobbies anymore.

I wish that someone would just tell me what to do. I don't want to feel like this anymore. I actually cried for the first time in a very long time too. It feels like I was holding all of that in since the beginning of the year when things started to fall apart. I still feel like I could cry more. I have trouble getting myself to cry. Someone told me that testosterone does that, and that's part of why men don't cry as much (but also toxic masculinity, so I don't know how true that is). I've gone down in dose, but maybe from being on it for so long...

I can't wait, 10 more days and I get to yeet my useless uterus and ovaries out of my body, then I might not even need testosterone unless my dysphoria gets bad and I have a feeling that with my luck it will and I'll still need to inject myself. I really hate needles. I had already put off the shot for a few days and that could also explain why I feel like shit. My hormones are all unbalanced. Everything feels really unbalanced right now. I should be getting ready for the new month and deciding what challenges I want to do on Habitica, but I don't feel like I have myself that well put together to think about routines.

Tomorrow I hope that I can get to the dispensary. I noticed about $200~ had gone into my account from social security....I REALLY hope that's back pay and not my payment for this month because that's not even half of my rent. They keep giving me less and less. I can't live off of this. I'm disabled. I can barely hold myself together let alone working with others at a job where I have to be super fake and bubbly and smiley. I hate it. I never want to go back to that. Unfortunately the only jobs I'm skilled in are retail and fast food and I can't do either anymore. It's just too much. I don't need to go through daily breakdowns while working too every time someone yells at me for something.

Looking at it that way.... I have no future. I'm just standing alone in the dark.

Written by iyazo

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Posted On Nov 02, 2020

Van Gogh sold just one painting in his entire life for a small amount (not enough to cover rent probably). After his death though, every single one of his paintings became worth millions. So even if your art doesn't sell, that doesn't at all mean they're bad! Just not popular enough to attract big money.

Posted On Nov 02, 2020

To add to what Megawatt said, art sales these days tend to be all about social media popularity: cultivating a follower base, playing the algorithm, etc. Which is honestly a big pain and not directly related to art quality anyway. Just personally I consider art successful/productive if it turned out well and I can see myself improving over time.

Posted On Nov 04, 2020

I'm proud of you. For just holding on - I have battled with dysphoria and depression in the past - I feel your pain. I never found my purpose when I was depressed, I just kept on living because I didn't want to make my parents sad, or be an inconvenience. Right now I am living for my cat, she's my baby and my best friend. My advice is to find a routine you enjoy, like drinking tea, or writing on this website, or taking a shower, to have something to look forward to everyday. It helps to able to look forward to something, but also feel productive if it's the only thing you've done all day. Be gentle on yourself, and try to feel proud or accomplished when you do the simple things that feel more difficult than they should, like showing, brushing your teeth, or eating a meal.

I am proud of you - you are doing so much more than I was ever able to when depressed, I hope you realize how strong you are. :)

Posted On Nov 06, 2020

@JustMegawatt I've even tried offering free art at times and no one was interested. I must not know how to market myself well as @Achaius had said, it's more about the algorithms and stuff now. I think the important thing is that I've been enjoying the small amount of art I've produced recently.

@ZED Thank you for being proud of me, I hope to continue to make you proud. I'll try my best to figure out what I enjoy anymore to look forward to. It's hard to feel strong when in this state.

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